What to Do? 3

[Parkema]

Chris,

I’ve tried to make this short and written this 4 times now so apologise for the length of content.

“What is your take on this; I'm not saying I will take that path because I do beehive Sandi and her guidance; I am just interested. And how did you come to this direction? Did you try the complete NC/Dark first, then it morphed into your current views?”

Firstly let me say each situation is different and as such people will deal with theirs differently to someone else, in the early stages of coming onto these boards and DR’ing I found/find the advice slightly biased to R’s that are based on the WAS/MLC and NOT the A, in fact there is little in the DR book about infidelity.

Please I urge you to take Sandi’s advice I didn’t see it at first and was against some of it in the early stages of my situation but as time went on I could see how she’s bang on. Realise Sandi has a unique skillset here due to her own situation, use her advice.

I have also learnt whilst on here that giving advice can be very dangerous and very subjective, who am I to say what I’m doing is right for you? So take what I’m about to say with a pinch of salt and focus more on what’s actually working and getting the results.

Communication I feel is a key area in trying to RC, if we don’t talk how can we express ourselves? I again am all for the NC and definitely detaching (I see this now), and the best way to detach is to GAL!
What we must learn and early on is that we can’t control anybody else we can only control ourselves so what’s the point in trying to affect what WW is doing its more likely to do the opposite, not only that BUT has a detrimental effect on us mentally.

Now where I differ and get so many 2x4’s is I take the stance that no body leaves someone for someone worse, in nature I’m sure your aware the female is ALWAYS looking for the best partner, the alpha male the one that they feel will keep them safe and secure and of course good breeding stock. Initially you were this person and your WW “fell” for you but over time things begin to happen in a marriage and we get into a rut, without being taught the signs we don’t tend to repair these issues (no one is taught this) and we are where we are.

The AP/LO is ahead of you in this department, he’s being fed the answers by your WW through better communication they are literally talking about your short comings and of course he’s taking this all in and adapting to the information which of course leads to him being “mister wonderful” and her “soulmate”!
So what do we do? DR’ing and these boards would suggest NC, detach and again I would agree IF that suits your situation and you’re getting the desired results but some can’t help but have to have some sort of contact due to kids (< this is me).

I do see my WW almost every day, she’s still in her A but I have no choice due to my situation that’s how it is! So I adapt this and use a modified version of DR to try and gain some results based on the above, how do I manage this to my advantage?

I’ll mention this in my next post, this is getting way too long.

Mark.