Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

You wrote:



If she came to me tomorrow and said she wanted to try again, I'd be at a loss for how to react. There so much work to do and so much hurt to get over. Sometimes I think that I could put the past aside if she really wanted to work on it, but other times I feel like too much damage has been done.

THIS^^^^ is a dilemma most of us face at some point. In a way, it's borrowing a problem from the future that we don't really have. And in a way, it's protecting our egos so we can imagine rebuffing them, so that we are not the rejected parties.

And yet, often there is within us a growing sense that there is simply too much wreckage to undo. Too much seen, to be unseen, and too much known now, to be unknown.

I believe time is the big revealer. Unless we force a decision b/c we cannot tolerate ambiguity anymore.




I realize this is assuming a lot, but I can't ever envision a day when she swallows her pride and approaches me with true remorse and a desire to fix things. It's just not her MO. I think she'd rather leave it all behind, unresolved, and focus on something new.


although we all play a part in getting here, which we must own,

* WAS often seem hell bent on not seeing the damage THEY caused...

and that makes it really hard for the LBS to imagine the seismic change within a WAS happening, let alone the persistent amount of effort required from the WAS, and whatever humility it would also require...

so maybe, just maybe, seeing this^^^ in its' true form with all the implications of it,

can free us to accept and let go??

So we can't go back to the way things were. But we can't move forward until we're out of each other's lives. How do you DB this? What else is there to do but GAL?


No time machines available so you're right, no going back to what we had (or thought we had) and nothing to help us zoom forward to what we hoped we were working towards.

You can move forward with them still in your life - unless you plan on waiting around in limbo until the last child finishes college. It requires a lot of detachment and I don't know a way to detach other than GAL.

One thing - don't make decisions about your marriage based on your spouse's potential as a partner, but based on them as they are.

Also requires time, the revealer.
Then decide.


I feel happier when she's not around and I feel optimistic about my life without her. I enjoy my free time, and my time alone with the kids. I have a lot to look forward to without her.

is this^^ all due to reduced tension, or what?

BUT... I would never have chosen this path for our lives. How do I continue to stand for my marriage while at the same time find a way to accept the reality of divorce, heal and move on...?


Have you found a DivorceCare group around you? They have them all over and they ask these very questions in a healthy supportive setting.

Standing for the marriage is not you emotionally or socially standing still. And You need to heal regardless of what else happens.

Hang in there