It is a bad situation. I'm not here to promote D, but I have seen too many people stay in an unhealthy R. I have also seen people where physical separation, behavior changes, plus time, can work to bring the couple back to reconciling.
It sounds as if your H believes in a double standard. He was cheating (just hasn't admitted it) and womanizing and loving the female attention. I have seen those types that play the poor misunderstood & mistreated H of the unloving, controlling, jealous W he has to endure. I have also seen men, and women, who would threaten D every time there was a cross word spoken. My theory is that they see threatening D as their best shot to use as an emotional leverage in controlling the other S and the M. In the meantime, nothing changes in the MR. Their threats become over-used.
I have a close family member who was M to a woman who would threaten D every time they had a disagreement or she didn't like something he did. I told him one day that the way to break her from that, was to tell her to go file and he would respect her wishes. Well, he did.........and she would immediately try to back down from her threats. Eventually, he finally got enough of it, and got the D himself. She begged, chased, and promised him the moon if he would just stay with her. No deal. Her false threats came back to bite her in the end.
I don't know if that applies to your H, but it sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship for you and the child. It's certainly not a good role model for how a H and father should behave. It must make you very concerned for your son and how he will be influenced.
When I came to the board, I was quickly told there is never an excuse for an affair, and if my M had been so miserable I should have D and then had an affair. But you see, I was the disrespectful, resentful and rebellious W who was M to a man with the nice guy syndrome........so yes, in my case I have to agree with that advice. I was not abused, and my children were not afraid of their father's temper and threats. I don't think you have the heart of a WW. I think you are emotionally starved of tender love, terribly unhappy, and desperately trying to hold on to your H. My question.......is he worth it? Is he the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If he is, then it is what it is. But if you are clinging to the hope he will change if you just continue enduring..........and history shows his behavior steadily getting worse, then I hope you will consider another route.
There are several threads from some of the ladies about abusive relationships. I think you can find it somewhere in Vanilla's. If I get time, I'll look for it, or maybe someone will point it out. I apologize if I am not giving you what you need to hear. I only want to encourage you to place you and your son's safety over anything else. Sometimes, when we step away from something too close.......we can see it much better, know what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
