Thank you for thinking of me and requesting my feedback. I just got caught up on your sitch. Since I am a little late here, I'm going to highlight a few things in your posts that stood out to me. Overall, I tend to agree with Ownit--she gives sound advice. ... Oh, and I sincerely have no 2*4s for you. This is really, really hard and it takes a really, really long time (for lack of better word choices). I have not even updated my own sitch because I am not in a good head space these days (and that is with 2.5 years of H having all the regret and remorse). Point in case--it is never clear what to do and it is never easy!
I think it was too soon for another visit. I think I've made it too easy for him to spend time with me. I think I knew in my heart I should have said no to the 2nd visit.
Leah, these are your words so keep them close to you. Your heart (instincts) were not ready for so much of him, so this makes me think you were go heading based on fear. It is not easy to know what the right thing to do is, but without too much analysis, our gut knows. Follow it. It is okay to say "no" to him and that will not push him further away. If anything, as you listen to yourself and value yourself first, you become more attractive to others. Most of us in piecing look back and agree with moved too quickly in the beginning.
He said all the right things, about wanting us to have a future together, but those words don't mean anything to me until he can give me the assurance that she is completely out of the picture. And the burden of proof as to how he will give me that is going to have to be on him.
At the end of this visit, I felt more sure that this will end in divorce.
I thought this was telling. You say he said all the right things, yet in the next breath you feel more sure it will end in D. You seem to have a high level of doubt for relatively early on, and this makes me wonder why. We are different of course, but I did not have so much doubt in the beginning when my H returned. It was as the months went by that my perspective began to shift. This might have been because I was flooded with relief early on tho.
I also have made the decision that I will not see him again or spend time with him, as long as there is the question of the OW and he having any contact with each other. I realize that right now neither of us considers ourselves "married" to each other, and certainly neither of us has re-committed to the M, ...
I think it is perfectly okay to expect him to not see any OWs and to require proof of it. Even if you are separated, 1. you are still his W, and 2. he has a history of infidelity. I don't want him to think he can drag his feet, cozy up to you and see how it feels, and keep you as his plan B. That seems wrong to me. I think if he wants any R with you, he should cut off all other Rs with OWs, come clean, show some remorse for how he hurt you, and offer up a transparency plan. Am I asking too much? I don't know, but that is what I needed and that is what I have felt I deserve as his W and as the person who was burned in this.
On that note, I am not a fan of his excuses--it was just 1 one-night stand, and I didn't start seeing OW2 until we were sep, etc, etc. His actions betrayed you and hurt you, and that is what matters. He also led you to believe that entire time that he would be visiting you and coming back around. He was dishonest and unfair to you. If he wants an R with you, he owes it to you to show you remorse and regain your trust. That is my opinion.
I think I've let him back into my life too easily.
You know what? That is okay and you live and learn another day. You get to wake up each day and continue to decide what you need and deserve. I often think I let my H back in way too easy. Now I have moments where I question myself, why I did that, and if ultimately I will move on without him one day. I probably would feel this way now whether I had or hadn't let him back easily tho. And, either way, is he doesn't think he got off easy--he lives with a lot of regret, shame and self doubt now.
Yikes, I have to get back to work and I only got through one post! I will think more on this and come back to it. In the mean time, you keep doing you. You are great and you deserve all the good things in life! Never settle.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
