Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

Grrrr. More drama...

Suffice it to say (without the extended backstory) that yesterday my W and I got our wires crossed with regard to who was picking up the kids from school. We were both working off assumptions and clearly both of us were at fault for not communicating better.

okay as this ^^reveals, communication and assumptions are a challenge for you guys.
You need new tools.

When we put things in writing we gain clarity (if we write clearly, not a lot of caveats) but we risk harming the R or divorce if he use legit concerns to vent or rant).

So put NOTHING controversial or re to the divorce b/c that is what L's are for but I think writing or texting will help if you keep it on message/on track.


But the real problem started when she called me and started raging about how it's obvious that I'm trying to "stick it to her." I apologized for misinterpreting the plan and not communicating with her. I validated the frustration and anxiety she felt when she went to pick the kids up and they weren't there. I tried to assure her that the schedule screw-up had nothing to do with me trying to get back at her. Of course I'm trying to do all this while stuffed into a 3 seater on a crowded train coming home from the city.

Seems to me the train was a good "Excuse" for keeping her on task. "W, yes this is frustrating but I'm on the train so we need to keep our focus on - X & W- for now."

(BTW who did get the kids? Reassuring her that the kids are safe is usually a safe way to keep the focus on Them)

If she circles back to the divorce, you will need to circle back to the topic at hand. Gently but firmly. Keeping the issues separate.




When we finally hung up it was all I could do to hold back the tears until I got off the train. Finally back in my car I punched the steering wheel (man, that poor steering wheel gets so much abuse these days), called her an effing b1tch and balled my eyes out.

I'm still afraid of her.

Can you explain ^^this?

Is it because she can still hurt you, correct? Boy, I really get that. Sometimes it helps to limit the exposure to them (i.e. interacting time) to a few minutes. We have to remind ourselves then, that "This is a short time, I can do it..."


Most conversations we have these days end up with her losing her cool or just being snarky and sarcastic. And I'm waiting for the moment when she says, "Eff this, I'm tired of trying to work this out with you. You can speak to my lawyer from now on." But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it won't come to that.

If you think those^^ conversations will "cause" her to file, all the more reason to nip that escalation in the bud. Reframe the discussions and show that they are narrow issues which should not overwhelm her.

"Pick up times" - packing lunch, PTA, sports events, etc --these are ALL manageable normal life tasks. Every couple has them.

If there is also a power struggle and unresolved conflict (and there is, right?) then get a tool for those issues. A plan. There is software out there that deals with these issues if you want to try it. I cannot recall the title but I hear it reduces these snafus and keeps them from ballooning into something unrelated and bad.

This morning she was supposed to be at our house by 6:30 so I could leave for work. At 6:25 I get a txt from her, "Forgot to set the alarm. I'm leaving now."

...Deep breath. No big deal. I can take the next train. Plus staying later allows me to see my kids before I leave. I make coffee and watch Dude Perfect videos while I wait for her...

great reaction from you

Finally, she walks in and apologizes for being late. Then apologizes for raging on me yesterday. She has tears in her eyes.

this ^^^can be acknowledged and then left for its face value. IMO, The more you make of it, the less she will offer apologies.


I say, "W, it's ok. And I want to say again that I'm not trying to battle with you. I don't think you're a bad person or a bad mother. We're both in a very difficult and stressful situation right now. Regardless of who wants what, neither of us are happy and we need to work together to move past this so that we can get on with our lives." She starts crying. I offer a hug. She takes it. Kids wake up, I say goodbye and leave.

Why did you say all ^^^that? It sounds as if you believe Divorce is the solution. Is that how you feel now?


This is becoming a regular pattern now: -

I really want this to end now. I don't think I'm DB'ing anymore. I still love my W but the reasons why I'm better off without her keep piling up.

It's been 16 months since the BD and I'm getting tired of holding on to hope.

I understand how you feel. But be clear that the messages you are sending are mostly you taking crap from your w, (which does not help in the respect department) then an apology from her but no behavioral changes on her end,

rinse and repeat. Now you have added in the part

And I want to say again that I'm not trying to battle with you. I don't think you're a bad person or a bad mother. We're both in a very difficult and stressful situation right now. Regardless of who wants what, neither of us are happy and we need to work together to move past this so that we can get on with our lives."

So it's like you are saying "W, we are divorcing b/c we are both stressed, and btw, you can rage at me when you feel bad about a choice you made...and do it again."

Perhaps if you put up the metaphorical STOP SIGN when she begins to rage, then redirect the conversation to what is really at issue in the present (kids, pick ups, chores, NOT the divorce)

OR end the discussion. If she rages at you - say "W, we need to stay on topic b/c this isn't productive."

OR "W I;'m not listening to off topic outbursts again. Let's keep the focus on XYZ. OR we can table the issues for now. Call when you feel more civil."

and get off the phone or leave the room. You are not tied down. Always say things like this^^^ with as much calmness as you can muster.

In discussions and disputes, the person who remains the calmest is the one who is empowered. When you show you are in control of yourself, you show your power.


It is okay to be done. But make sure you are done, and not just having a really bad day or trying to get a reaction or trying on a new position in your head.

Make sense?