Wow, I have been reading and so much caught my eye.
Depression is awful. Depression runs heavily through my family. My mother killed her self at 47 due to a horrible depression component of bipolar disorder.
When my ex left, over 9 years ago when I was 27 and my baby was 6 months old, I actually did not fall into a depression. I was in survival mode with a baby.
I have been on AD's for almost 2 years. Depression finally did set in. Then I was in a relationship and it ended and I sunk into a REAL depression. I actually knew what depression felt like. I have been seeing an IC all along and we worked through it and I increased my AD's. I couldn't stop sleeping, nothing made me feel good and I was ultimately hopeless and it was the most godawful feeling. I have a kid to raise and a job to attend and school, so I had no choice but to fight through it. I went to the gym even if I didn't want to. I socialized even when it felt like torture. Eventually I came out of the very dark place, but it took WORK. and it took HEALTHY work.
Reading what I am reading about your need for validation from a signifincat other and it being the only thing that makes you happy seriously worries me. Yes, relationships feel good, validation feels good but when that is our only source of happiness, that is a serious problem. That also puts a huge burden on a partner. I also read that everything you are trying to do or have done is all about you. You do for others because it makes YOU feel good. There is nothing wrong with deriving pleasure from helping others, but it seems as if you do it just for you. An example would be the rebound R. Have you even stopped and thought about how that might feel for the person on the other end of the rebound? How you making yourself feel good could seriously hurt others?
A healthy form of receiving your validation: Volunteer! Give to others who have much less than you! Support a good cause! It's a win win! You feel good about seeing how your work helps others and others are helped! I get depressed on the holidays I don't have my D10. I don't really have much family and I am single. So this year my D10 goes to her dad's for thanksgiving, I decided to serve Thanksgiving Dinner at a mission. I fill my hole by giving back, and the less fortunate have a thanksgiving meal.
You need healthy ways of coping. I do believe you really need to be on meds or very intense treatment with a psychiatrist. I think you would benefit so much. Your coping mechanisms aren't so healthy right now. I know for a short time during my depression I probably would have done ANYTHING to make myself feel better. I never understood it until I went through it. But working hard with my therapist, I found healthy, non-destructive ways to help myself. I hope you can do the same.
