Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[Chris73]

Grrrr. More drama...

Suffice it to say (without the extended backstory) that yesterday my W and I got our wires crossed with regard to who was picking up the kids from school. We were both working off assumptions and clearly both of us were at fault for not communicating better.

But the real problem started when she called me and started raging about how it's obvious that I'm trying to "stick it to her." I apologized for misinterpreting the plan and not communicating with her. I validated the frustration and anxiety she felt when she went to pick the kids up and they weren't there. I tried to assure her that the schedule screw-up had nothing to do with me trying to get back at her. Of course I'm trying to do all this while stuffed into a 3 seater on a crowded train coming home from the city.

When we finally hung up it was all I could do to hold back the tears until I got off the train. Finally back in my car I punched the steering wheel (man, that poor steering wheel gets so much abuse these days), called her an effing b1tch and balled my eyes out.

I'm still afraid of her. Most conversations we have these days end up with her losing her cool or just being snarky and sarcastic. And I'm waiting for the moment when she says, "Eff this, I'm tired of trying to work this out with you. You can speak to my lawyer from now on." But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it won't come to that.

This morning she was supposed to be at our house by 6:30 so I could leave for work. At 6:25 I get a txt from her, "Forgot to set the alarm. I'm leaving now."

...Deep breath. No big deal. I can take the next train. Plus staying later allows me to see my kids before I leave. I make coffee and watch Dude Perfect videos while I wait for her...

Finally, she walks in and apologizes for being late. Then apologizes for raging on me yesterday. She has tears in her eyes. I say, "W, it's ok. And I want to say again that I'm not trying to battle with you. I don't think you're a bad person or a bad mother. We're both in a very difficult and stressful situation right now. Regardless of who wants what, neither of us are happy and we need to work together to move past this so that we can get on with our lives." She starts crying. I offer a hug. She takes it. Kids wake up, I say goodbye and leave.

This is becoming a regular pattern now: Something goes wrong, she rages on me, I try to validate and avoid battling with her, 12-24 hours pass, she apologizes. It's hard to say if this indicates any progress in her journey out of the fog. Regardless, it doesn't change my expectations.

I really want this to end now. I don't think I'm DB'ing anymore. I still love my W but the reasons why I'm better off without her keep piling up. It's been 16 months since the BD and I'm getting tired of holding on to hope.