How do I get things right?

[Lovelyp]

Hi LovelyP, welcome to our community. This may shock you, but I'll just tell you up front that you need to get away from your H. I am very serious! This man is threatening you! . He has been treating you very badly for a long, long time. He sounds as if he has serious issues. That doesn't justify your affair, but neither does he get to brutally punish you. Some women endure this punishing behavior for years, but you do not have to stay in this situation..........and it doesn't matter what you've done, you don't have to live under this type of threatening conditions!

When you choose to do the right thing, your H can forgive you and work with you to resolve the problems in the relationship...........or he can refuse to forgive you. If he refuses to forgive you, then you need to physically separate from him to give him plenty of space and time without you. But for your own safety and for the sake of your MR......you need to get away from him. Do you have children?

Has your H been guilty in past times of throwing insults at you? Does he have angry management issues? Has he ever been physically violent?

Thanks Sandi2 for the response. What you are saying makes so much sense and it is not shocking because it forced me to reflect. I have a child with him (10 year old D). For years he has always been threatening and always trying to make me feel like I am not good enough for him. He has never been physically violent but he gets so angry and says he needs a divorce. For the past 10 years he says I was controlling so he would just comply and had so much resentment and bitterness. Part of the reason was that in our first year (2008) of marriage he had contact with his Ex (girlfriend who left him for another man). After her man left her she started contacting him and I saw many phone records and emails to her. They even met but he ran from her because she wanted to have s*x with him which she didnt take lightly and called him a coward (Read this in their email exhanges and she had even deleted them and I saw them without his knowledge) and I got to know a few months after. I only saw the phone records after the emails and noticed they were still communicating even that day. I confronted him about it and he apologised. From that time I tried to forgive him but I lost trust. Thats when I started checking his emails, phone and other chats etc. I didnt react so well and thats when I changed. From that time i tried to initiate activites to do as a couple, always checked his phone and emails. He withdrew and had a lot of anger and built up so much resentment. In 2009 He became so close to a friend and brought them home and on weekends he would not have time for me. I complained to him and told him how I felt and he ignored. I was so lonely and started talking to a college friend(male). I told him about it and he was not bothered. One day I was chatiing with him and he asked to see the chats we were having but I had already closed the chat page (by then there was no chat history on yahoo). He then said he suspected we were not just friends and that I must retrieve the chats. He threatened a divorce and I told him to go ahead if he didnt trust me. I just apologised and told him if he wants a divorce its ok. He started telling me that I must know that his mother does not like me and I am controlling. Every relative of his and friends are always teling him that I do not respect him and his privacy. I decided to just see how things go but in 2010 he befriended an older woman (9 years older and she was going through a divorce) from work and he would invite him to our house. The woman was telling him intimate things about her relationship with another man. She was interested in him and would organise work trips with him and then try to be intimate. He would tell me. I complained about his friendship with this woman and he just said i am not interested in her. His idea was that he brought her home so she can talk to me and help in our marriage. This woman would always ask about me from him and always make excuses to contact him. He liked her company for some reason. I had to demand from him that he stops contacting her or I leave. He grudgingly complied but was bitter about that because he said I am controlling and dictating who gets to be his friend or not. he complained that he is loosing his freedom. I told him I didnt want a divorce but it seems he is not interested in the marriage. I told him if he doesnt make an effort to work on our marriage issues with me I would just leave because I cannot do it all alone. He stopped intitating s*x. We would only do only when I initiated. 2011 he got a work friend who told him he was scared of me and didnt want to upset me. The friend made him feel like he is controlled because he did not want to go out with him or have girlfriends and have fun. His comments affected him so much as the friend would talk about me to other work colleagues. He would become so angry because at work they were seeing him as a controlled husband who had no freedom to do what he wants. Some female colleguages would openly ask him out saying he deserves better. He turned them down but befriended some younger women at work. He got close to them and would spend hours chatting with them. He would spend hours chatting with these women and lied to me that he was in meetings and didnt chat with me. Found evidence he was contacting his Ex girfriend again. I started working on my weaknesses and reading books on marriage counselling. I changed a lot and would just tolerate. Thats was a big mistake because in 2015 he would start telling me that there are many women who are interested in him and that I must change so that he can start initiating s*x and stop his friendships with other women. He told me that he is refusing to be controlled so he wont listen to what i say. We became so distant and he would ignore my chats and calls. He would tell many people about us and would discuss personal things about me with his friends. I accidentally found out. I was overwhelmed and got into a major depression. I suffered memory losses, concentraton and withdrew from everyone. My work suffered and then during that time thats when I met that OM in late 2015. I confessed to him and he got more angry. Some days he is OK but sometimes he insults me and says so many things to me. When I am away from him it is the same. One thing though is before the A he would have days when he would be angry and even threten divorce. I do not know what to do. he says he hates to divorce but sometimes he just says the day I decided to cheat is when I ended the M.