I forgot to add: when someone else then says "wow you played that chord perfectly!", my brain instantly realizes that it was something actually "cool" and THEN it releases the dopamine and thus I feel good.
It is my messed up reward system that is just not functional at all. I would need something that targets it to push me out of this to actually see something nice in doing things. SSRIs target the serotonin system which makes it even a bigger problem because that takes off the dopamine even more. I am not crying or feel that emotional most of the time (serotonin), I feel no purpose, no drive, no motivation (dopamine). But those meds are addictive and they could "mess up my brain chemistry" (from my doc) so I wont be getting them.
Sorry for the venting, this is useless. It is just myself trying to get more validation... lol. Ironic.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
