What to do

[sls1860]

I will be honest that I am really worried that it's just an emotional swing right now. She has answered all of my questions and her body langue and actions are all pointing to wanting to work. I have told her that this is going to be a long hard road back to us. She stated she is willing to work and do everything to make it. We talked about her cheating and she told me she is sorry that she treated me this way. And I know it's all only words right now but she has done everything I have asked her to do in regards to nc with other man. Baby steps I'm not going to rush into anything. Like everyone says we have the rest of our lives to figure this out

[sls1860]

So wife asked me to move in to her apartment with her today. Do you think this is all to soon? Or is it a great sign that she wants me back in her life?

[Teppo]

Lucky dog, I wish I were in your shoes.

[sls1860]

Ok just want some help from some of the vets on here. So just a quick recap of my situation. Wife said she was done end of April. By end of May I found out during separation she had sex with another man. I confronted her about it and told her I was not willing to be plan b. And was done until she was 100 percent in this. She ended it with him(was one night drunk in a bar and hooked up). About four weeks of me pretty much being done and door closed on our relationship she started to really engage with me. And we worked really hard(both of us). And we got to a point where our relationship was better than it ever was. I worked hard on my faults of letting life get in the way of me and her. She has worked on opening up and talking and just being a better person. I have really enjoyed these last few weeks. Have moved into her apartment she got when she left. So really good on all those fronts.

Now on to the parts I am struggling with. We are both really open now with each other we have talked more about the dark hidden things we all try and bury about ourselves and I have really enjoyed learning new things about my wife and she has said how much so loves for me to share my struggles. But I think I am also very guarded because I don't want to give her to much ammo to hurt me if we split again. Is this normal?

Do you ever regain all the trust and love you had for your partner?

I really am loving life. I'm glad our family is whole again. I just wonder does the pain from the little blip in our life ever get easier to deal with. Will I ever be able to look at this and not almost have a panic attack wondering when the other shoe is going to drop

[doodler]

sls1860,

You should take a look at the following threads: LiM, BluWave, StormChaser and TxHubby.

[TxHubby]

You two are ready for marriage counseling. This is not a do-it-yourself fix. You need a good pro. One that has experience with infidelity issues. You have to work those out or you'll build major resentments. Nobody could blame you, she did something worthy of major resentment.

You can't rug sweep any of this or it'll boil over in the future. Obviously she was having some issues and coped with them by cheating. She needs counseling to figure out why she did that or no matter how much she says it was a mistake and would never do it again, she might. My own wife had such a major MLC meltdown, including a LOT of cheating, that she needed several therapists along the way to get to root causes of why she made that particular decision (to cheat). I also needed individual therapy to keep from building resentment, because I was harboring MAJOR resentments. When we were healthier individuals then we engaged in marriage counseling to make a healthier marriage. Obviously we had mucked it up on our own and needed a professional to help us.

No marriage will ever be perfect. You're going to have disagreements/fights again. It happens. You just want to deal with everything better in the future so there are no repeats to any of this.

[25yearsmlc]

Ok just want some help from some of the vets on here. So just a quick recap of my situation. Wife said she was done end of April. By end of May I found out during separation she had sex with another man. I confronted her about it and told her I was not willing to be plan b. And was done until she was 100 percent in this. She ended it with him(was one night drunk in a bar and hooked up).

okay there are 2 immediate issues here^^. 1) why did your w want out of the m? Are any of her reasons valid?

2) usually an A fractures the marriage partly b/c it requires thought out deceit by the cheating spouse. That behavior often ends up hurting the LBS more than the "act" itself.

IF your w is telling the truth about the ONS, for ME, that's just not in the same ballpark as a long term affair made while sober, and with time to cool off & stop.

Plus, she did what many here would say is the "honest way" b/c she first informed you she wanted out of the marriage, and then you physically separated.

None of this ^^ makes it "all better", but for ME, it's just not as significant. The underlying reasons she wanted out of the marriage, are.



About four weeks of me pretty much being done and door closed on our relationship she started to really engage with me. And we worked really hard(both of us). And we got to a point where our relationship was better than it ever was. I worked hard on my faults of letting life get in the way of me and her.

Can you elaborate on this 'fault'^^? It's so vague that I don't know how you'd do anything specific to address it. Or how you could measure progress. And I'm slightly concerned that you are glossing over some behaviors with a vague sentence.

I mean, did your wife list "letting life get in the way of the m" as the BIG reason she left?

I'm asking.
-
Now on to the parts I am struggling with. We are both really open now with each other we have talked more about the dark hidden things we all try and bury about ourselves and I have really enjoyed learning new things about my wife and she has said how much so loves for me to share my struggles.

If this^^^ is all true and if it lasts, wouldn't these changes help you with the rest?


But I think I am also very guarded because I don't want to give her to much ammo to hurt me if we split again. Is this normal?

Please explain about the "ammo" you fear. Is there something you're confessing that you fear she'll hurl out in an argument?

Or Do you mean getting hurt again? And If so, isn't she taking the same risk?


Do you ever regain all the trust and love you had for your partner?

Good question.

So ask yourself if love is ever, at least partly a matter of choice. If you believe it is, then you can control some parts. (And so can she).

Consistent effort + sufficient time = change that can last.

I really am loving life. I'm glad our family is whole again. I just wonder does the pain from the little blip in our life ever get easier to deal with.

Isn't a chunk of this^^^ about the underlying issues she left about?

Or are you fixated on a one night drunken event that she told you about?

I am not minimizing it. But it's not as if she works with this guy or will keep running into him. Nor does she have an emotional connection with him.

so there's no big need to restructure her life to avoid the situation happening again, correct? And you were separated at the time, correct?

How would you feel if you were in her shoes now?

To me, the real questions are,

whether she sees it as a big mistake

AND how forgiveness was modeled in your childhood/life? This is a serious question for you.

I didn't see forgiveness modeled between my parents growing up. So I had to develop that skill, which I now realize is vital to ANY long term marriage. Giving forgiveness AND asking for it, often, is mandatory to long term marital success.

I think it's a learned skill, not something we are born with. And it sounds as if that's something for you to work on.


Will I ever be able to look at this and not almost have a panic attack wondering when the other shoe is going to drop

I think so, if you both want to and then DO the work you both need to do.

Finally, I fully agree with what Tx says, you need MC. *IMO, you also each need individual counseling, - both of you, & not together. I feel strongly about this.

There are things you each might want to explore, but which you'd feel inhibited discussing with your spouse rig that. Some of our responses will be subconsciously "edited" to avoid over sharing or hurting or angering our spouse.

Speaking from experience, my problem with my MIL needed some work. It was impossible to do that with my h right there.

So I ended up working on it at a personal growth workshop I attended without h. It was not about marital issues, but all r's will improve if we dig deep & live our lives with clarity and intention. We make better choices. the workshop helped me become a better w and better mother and better lawyer too. (It's called "Essential Experience" or "EE" for short. It's in Philly, if you are interested. Several DBers have gone & all have gotten a lot out of it.) Workshops like that jumpstart your relationship work and then you can continue on with a T or the follow up support groups that EE provides.

Retrovaille is a great workshop too, but it's for couples, not individuals. EE is for personal individual work, but obviously that spills over to all areas of our lives.
EE was the single most profound learning experience of my life, btw.

Retrovaille is excellent too, but both must attend and please - do the follow up sessions. No "one weekend retreat" will fix everything and last, without follow up efforts. Like a new way of eating, you can't lose all the weight & keep it off, without incorporating it as your new way of life.

I really regret that we did not do most of the follow up for Retrovaille but we thought we were "fixed" and besides, it was a 2 hours drive and - and- blah blah blah. (UGH!!)


So I would recommend Retrovaille if you can make it work as a couple, to get there.
And I would recommend EE to you as well.


I believe the more confidence you both have in your changes and the m itself, the closer you'll both be to getting past this. But confidence won't just land on your heads.

My advice is that you both get individual counseling with a stated goal of improving the m, owning your parts and changing some behaviors. Attend a workshop to get a jump start on the work.

Then add in some ingredients like time and consistent efforts and checking in with each other, and you have a real chance.

Keep it up

[sls1860]

Thanks 25. I really appreciate your advice. Here is where I am for the last couple weeks. I have talked to the w about marriage counseling she is willing to go for me. Big chance there she always said that what can someone tell us that we don't already know. So I appreciate the fact that she is willing to go if I want to. But honestly do I want to go I don't know. I can look back on our problems in the marriage and we are both working on them. I think that yes it might be helpful to have somebody that is outside looking in tell us how messed up we were(are). But also both of us in the last five months have changed so much for th better I almost want to keep at what we are doing and go with the flow. I can tell you this I am 100% in this marriage. And everything I have got from the w says she is too. And that has made life a lot better for both of us. Do I wish we hadn't been thru this for sure. But I can tell you it has made me a better person without a doubt. We have told each other we love each other and need each other more times in the last two months then we did in 8 years of marriage. And I have said in order for this to work we are both going to have to be open and honest and in this 150% and she says I'm in it for the long haul. My major question is does the wondering ever end or am I always going to question what she is doing and what she is ip too. And how do you know when it's real and not just a bunch of bull coming from your spouse.

[sls1860]

So it has been quite a few months since the last time I posted. So I guess a recap is in order. Do I love my wife....yes I sure as hell do. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her....for sure. Do I think we are in a good dare I say great place....yes I do. I know that I am in a place everyone on here wishes they were. But here’s the thing....I hate my wife

That’s right I said I hate my wife. I hate what she has done to our family....I hate what she has done to our relationship. I hate what she has done to me.

So I guess my question is this normal will I get over my hate or am I a bad person for feeling this way?

[Subitai]

Are you doing IC? I would call these feelings an emergency, and would e rushing to get talking to somebody asap.