Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Thanks, LC! This is some good stuff to think about.

I'm definitely guilty of this. It's really a mechanism we use to make coping with it easier. I think it is called "synthetic happiness", i.e. we are convincing ourselves that we are better off.

I didn't know there was a name for this, so thanks. TBH, I've seen divorcees do this before - "Look at me! I'm soooo happy!" I always thought it was pathetic and transparent. Now I'm on the other side of the fence. Hmmm...

Ultimately I think we would have left our M if it was THAT bad for us. I think it was most likely at least mediocre but we personally didn't have the right conversation tools to make it better.

Good point. I guess I never reached my breaking point in the MR, but my STBXW did.

Every long-term R is going to require a sh1tton of work from both. Don't expect to jump into another R and it being magically better.

I don't have any expectations that it will be magically better (but after BD I did fantasize about how great our MR would be if W decided to come back). I do think I need to spend time being very picky with who I allow myself to be close to.

I think way too many people rush into dating without using the time to make better version of themselves. Also, they become way too needy and try to build a R directly without dating multiple people. It's just a recipe of a highly potential disaster. Too many people just can't be ALONE. We are not defined by our relationships and we do not need a partner to be happy.

I agree. I do want to try to date a lot so I can feel like I've really looked at what's out there. I think of it like shopping for shoes: I'm picky about shoes, so I'm gonna go to multiple stores, spend time browsing, and trying on lots of different pairs until I find the one I like.

I'm not (or at least the old me used to not be) one to jump into a R just to be in one. I spent most of my early 20s single. I'd like to think it's a want for me, not a need.