Oh, Leahsue, I do understand. At least I think that I do.
I don't think that you should feel negative about R. I think you should strive to feel neutral about it, and continue your focus on you. I think that you can handle anything, so there's no need to worry about which way this will go. And I don't think that it's impossible that H could pull through and give you what you need, but it's important not to invest in it too heavily at this point.
(The following is only my opinion. It applies to stepmoms who met divorced men and when there was no cheating involved.)
Unless there's something that you're not telling us, I am bothered that you were told you were jealous of SD. I really don't think that's what's going on here.
First, it honestly sounds like H's S is stuck developmentally and has projected herself and her pain onto H's D. I simply don't understand her stance that, unless she keeps you in check, you will harm SD somehow.
Life as a stepparent can feel like you're a big screen onto which others project their feelings; oftentimes those feelings have little to do with who you are and more to do with what you represent. And, mostly, what you represent is the reality that mom and dad aren't getting back together and/or a loss of control, which certainly doesn't endear others to you.
It can feel like you're The Invisible Woman, where no one is interested in seeing you for who you are. Unlike other roles in life, the stepmother is presumed evil/jealous/conniving/competitive, and must work to prove that she is not.
I don't think "kids come first" works in intact/first marriages and I think it definitely doesn't work in step/blended families, which tend to have more pressures from more parties involved. I think it erodes marital bonds, conflicts with the traditional marriage vows, and I think kids actually end up suffering if they're not allowed to remain as kids in the household power structure.
A saying I've heard that I think explains the complexity is "kids are the first responsibility, marriage is the first priority." That applies more to minor kids, who ABSOLUTELY need food, shelter, physical safety, and love to thrive. They should be given those things and those things have to come above everything else. But I disagree when a blanket "kids come first" is used to place children's wants above a spouse's wants. I think that introduces weak spots into the marriage.
I don't understand what choice H is supposed to be making, as wife and daughter are totally different relationships. And maybe I'm wrong, but from what I read it doesn't sound like you were competing with her for her dad's time or affection.
I think you were very gracious in that "lap sitting to exclude Leahsue" situation. Frankly, though she needs her dad's attention and affection, her actions were somewhat rude. You reacted with grace and empathy for her feelings. Good for you. I don't see anything wrong with an H stepping up to greet his W when he sees she's arrived, even if SD was on his lap. He should do that for anyone, especially his wife. Just as if you were snuggling and she came in; he could get up and say hello to her and you wouldn't be offended because there's no competition. In fact, you'd probably go greet her as well.
Kids try to divide and conquer in a stepfamily (and in an intact family, too, but it's easier to spot there.) Very few kids want a stepparent, and many hold onto a fantasy of their parents reuniting. Kids are also very focused on themselves (especially when they're younger) and they test boundaries. They will check to see if there are weaknesses present in the M between the parent and stepparent, and exploit them if they find them. With a "kids come first" style of parenting, these things are not kept in check, and the kids become a source of strain on the M.
In my mind, your SD would have been better off with a childhood where she didn't have to worry about adult matters, and who was given the message that there was no competition between herself and her stepmom and her father's love wasn't a limited resource.
In my mind, 100% possible for a father to remarry, treat his spouse like a full partner, and raise happy, healthy, and treasured children. Personally, I think there is trouble for all when the marital boundaries are allowed to be blurred, no matter if it's a first or second marriage.
I understand that it's a hard situation, and certainly there are things that can improve on your end. But it's a bit of a no win for you. SD was left anxious and competitive, no one has fixed H's childhood (because that's impossible) and your M was/is in trouble.
Dialing your situation back, aren't you being asked to accept a limited W role so that SD can have some pieces of it? Do H and his family think that you failed, and this absurd strategy would have worked better with another woman? Because I could never have been as patient as you were in your circumstance.
I've never seen a kid who was elevated to adult status in the home who didn't have significant anxiety issues. I think that minor kids crave knowing that their parents have life under control. Step-families who put kids first take that security away from the kids.
I feel nervous typing all of this out because it would be very easy to point at me and tell me I'm an evil stepmom because I think kids coming first is the problem, and that I don't think the roles of marriage should be different if there are children from prior relationships. If H does not come around, I am officially terrified to date men with children.
