Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[lcause]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just playing sour grapes with myself. Like maybe the only way to save my ego is to see all the bad things in the R, and to reframe things in a harsher light. "Maybe it's for the best. She was bad to me anyway." Thoughts?

I'm definitely guilty of this. It's really a mechanism we use to make coping with it easier. I think it is called "synthetic happiness", i.e. we are convincing ourselves that we are better off.

Ultimately I think we would have left our M if it was THAT bad for us. I think it was most likely at least mediocre but we personally didn't have the right conversation tools to make it better. Every long-term R is going to require a sh1tton of work from both. Don't expect to jump into another R and it being magically better.

Last week my IC said it's not codependent of me to want to find someone new. It's a basic human need, and it's normal. So I think I'm going to have my eyes open for new R opportunities. Every guy I've talked to said they dated too soon after D. But maybe it's part of the process of getting to a better place, as long as I'm not trying to "use" anyone along the way.

It's not codependent to WANT someone new but you have to ask yourself if it's really what you're after OR if you are trying to fill a void your X left, i.e. you NEED someone new.

The reason why we need time after a breakup is that we just can't select a proper potential partner, since we most of the time come with a need. Thus we might end up selecting someone who is not fully compatible with us and we can't see it until later. Then we are also shifting the emotional pain, which will come back when the rebound realization happens and the new R dies. Rebound relationships CAN obviously work, but I still personally think it's better to learn to be an individual again so you gain back your strength, you have had time to really self-reflect what went wrong, you have corrected the issues, picked new R skills and so on.

I think way too many people rush into dating without using the time to make better version of themselves. Also, they become way too needy and try to build a R directly without dating multiple people. It's just a recipe of a highly potential disaster. Too many people just can't be ALONE. We are not defined by our relationships and we do not need a partner to be happy.