What to Do? 3

[Maika]

I am still trying to find ways and understand how to not be passive as a person in general to 180 myself.

Are you going to IC? They can really help you with that. I was a passive person too and I am changing it up for myself and it is really awesome.

Things that I focus on:

1. Stand up for myself without worrying about how the other person will react.
2. Be more assertive about what I want and what my needs are.
3. Don't be wishy washy - say what you want to do and when.
4. Not avoiding conflict - handling it with poise and calmness.

Do all of those things without being rude, cold, and passive aggressive, demeaning, or mocking. Exude self-confidence and emotional control. Also do those things but create enough space to work with others.

This will not only help you get out of being passive, it will also get you mad respect from people.

[chris19]

M - Great thank you; you try to do this in every aspect for your life correct? Not only when speaking with S? Do you have any books you have read?

[Maika]

Yes, these changes are for every aspect of my life. I can tell you that it has improved my work life immensely as well, not to mention my friendships.

I am mostly talking to my IC about this and I read the Nice Guy Syndrome book, which was really helpful.

[Holding]

Chris, I suggest you google the book on "not being a nice guy". This is an approach for your entire life.

[joejoe1]

Love,

I'm interested in this answer as well.

[Lovelyp]

Hmm, so do you think if your H detached from you more and GAL for himself you would have been more incline to see the changes in him? Or become more interested?

Not really. In my case my husband was not doing anything. He was so passive and sort of detached from the marriage. He didn't do that. I saw him trying to connect and doing things to improve the marriage.
It seems the things you wanted from your H after being separated are exactly the opposite from what this forum and the things I have learned from reading Michelle's books are.[/quote]
I think on detaching it is clear that if a person was already withdrawn detaching or going dark may not be recommended. see this link http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095


Are you still involved with the OM? If not, what caused you to stop? Did you H make you do a no contact type of agreement?[/quote]

In my case I stopped because sex happened by accident. all i wanted was to talk to him so when sex happened I felt so bad and woke up. All had happened because I was extremely depressed. Religion and morals played a huge role. I felt so bad and decided that even if I might divorce I dont need to cheat as it makes me feel worse abt myself. I decided to connect to my faith and read the bible and drew closer to God and had to repent. I stopped and cut contact without H even knowing then when I had healed I confessed to H on my own. I was not caught by H but I confessed then he contacted the OM to hear his side. He confirmed I ignored his contact even though he really wanted to be with me and he indicated he was disappointed that H wants to work things out and forgive me

[chris19]

Not really. In my case my husband was not doing anything. He was so passive and sort of detached from the marriage. He didn't do that. I saw him trying to connect and doing things to improve the marriage.
It seems the things you wanted from your H after being separated are exactly the opposite from what this forum and the things I have learned from reading Michelle's books are.

That is very interesting; and makes me question if what I am doing is helping or making things worse.

[LH19]

[/quote]That is very interesting; and makes me question if what I am doing is helping or making things worse. [/quote]

Can you be more specific about what you are doign?

[chris19]

LH19 -

After reading Lovelyp message:

Not really. In my case my husband was not doing anything. He was so passive and sort of detached from the marriage. He didn't do that. I saw him trying to connect and doing things to improve the marriage.
It seems the things you wanted from your H after being separated are exactly the opposite from what this forum and the things I have learned from reading Michelle's books are.

I was questioning if by me going dark I was doing more harm. I have been the passive, doormat within our M for a while now. She has reached out a couple times with texts such as "My god. Can't you tell I'm like prying for attention and understanding of where you're at" and "I'm sorry I've been immature the last week or two; I'm just overwhelmed with emotions".

So I now be acting a bit more interested in her? Because is me going dark "more of the same"; because I was the passive one in our M. I know she is still speaking with OM; but do I need to feed her a bit of my new self? Or continue the darkness?

[chris19]

I really have be practicing N/C, and detaching as best as possible. I rarely answer her calls/texts, unless there is a direct question related to money, or insurance, etc.