What to Do? 3

[Lovelyp]

Let me try to answer you. I think I am a bit similar to your wife because in terms of education and career I think I have been blessed and have had very good positions that my peers havent had. My husband careerwise he is above his peers. I think maybe i might behave and my thought processes may mirrior your wife a bit though I do understand that people are different. My husband is a good person and very family focused, he provided for me and daughter. I must mention he is very attractive. When I cheated she was 8 years old. He is great dad. However, since we married he hs been passive. He would not make an effort to do anything or to resolve fights. When we had problems he would withdraw and avoid saying anything and he had so much resentment. He was not initiating communications or anything related to the marriage so I felt the need to plan for us. I would literally suggest what I need us to do and he would grudgingly go along and do. Slowly I would bottle in a lot of things that hurt me and as a result I lost desire for him. whatever I said he would do and he would not even make me know how he feels so it got to the point where I would feel he is doing out of duty and his heart not in it. Sometimes I would suggest something in a way to provok him to stand his ground and refuse and when I saw him comply I would get turned off. So basically all he did I felt wasnt coming from the heart. I am a quite a strong character and I easily say no to anything that I dont like. In his resentment he would open up to close friends about things happening in our marriage and I accidentally found out. That really made me feel he is a coward and doesnt have the guts to say things to me. I like to be in control so I decided to say things to provoke him to say his issues to me. He said he felt controlled and that I only like to do things my way and that I disrespected him. He told me he had decided to avoid communicating his feelings and decided to just give in to what I want so there would be peace. Problems got worse and he would burst and say bad things because of resentment he had. he withdrew from any form of intimacy and we would only have s*x only when I initiated. I also had so much resentment and things escalated to a point where I just felt overwhelmed and got extremely depressed to the point that I felt to work for months. Failure to work led me to spend more time and effort in work. I then met someone at work (sort of a workmate) who started to help me with a task. He proposed something very interesting and with my husband s blessing started wotking ont hat with him. (This person is a workaholic and not attractive to me- everything from his physical appearance and his character isthe opposite of what I like). In working and talking to me he noticed I was depressed and started asking about whats bothering me. For some time I tried to avoid mentioning anything to him. One day I was really low and he suggested we work over lunch and I opened up. He was having problems of his own in his marriage and seemed to understand. He would say compliments abt my intelligence, how i looked, how i dressed and I started spnding more time with him because I felt better around him. I would look forward to seeing him only because I liked things he said to me and how I felt around him. He met the needs that my husband wasnt for most of the marriage (affection, openly saying how he felt but standing his ground). He was himself around me and didnt seem controlled by me. I would say what led to the A was that I was vulnerable, failed to set boundaries and my resentment and unmet needs cemented the A.

My decision to leave were because I felt overwhelmed by guilt and feared the fights and accusations. I felt my H could never forgive me and i couldnt make things right and I thought divorce would be best. However, how my husband handled this is what made me stay. He didnt tell his friends about the affair and that gesture made me understand that he really wants to work out things. (Most times we had a fight he was always telling his friends so this showed me he has changed in that respect). He seeked MC and paid for it without even complaining. He tried to communicate more even when we were apart and when Im home he started coming home early (he used to come home very late and put his friends first). From the BD he initiates sex and when Im withdrawn he initates conversation. he has so much anger and sometimes he wakes up in a bad mood but he is a better husband. I can see so many changes.
I think how you behave after you found out about the A makes a difference to your wife. If you start to make changes in things she complained to you about it may make her see that there is hope that she can be happy with you again. If you tell many people about the A it may make it difficult for her to stop because she will feel that "there is nothing to loose after all everyone knows about it".
I hope I answered you.