Juju, I know. I am just a rare case and I guess that makes me feel like a failure. Like something must be wrong with me. The worst thing about this is I like me! I think I really am a great catch, from Dbing and the such, I think I have become a very good partner. I think I am lovable. I guess I just have an awful case of timing and circumstance. I see all these single moms who remarry or find love and their partners love their kids..... and I can't find that. Let alone just love me. It's all so messed up.
FF messed me up. That whole situation really messed me up. It still hurts to the very core of me.
Today has just been a hard day. It's my first Monday. I am back to reality! I really really miss my dad and stepmom taking care of me while I lay on the couch! It's sad I need to have surgery to get some help around here! After work, I fed the kid, we went to PT, it was an hour and half long, and I tried to ride the bike and it wasn't what I expected. She said it was normal to not be able to do it, she just wanted me to get the motion. I made full rotation a few times but it hurt and she didn't want me hurting too much. I for some reason thought I would hop on the bike and would be able to do it. She said by the end of the week I will be doing it. She's great. I did some mini squats and those felt good. I got home, went down my very steep and dark driveway to take out the garbage, came back made myself dinner, put kid to bed and now I am relaxing. Then I ealized my Chinatown trip is on ex's weekend and he can't switch because he has tickets to something. I have no one to watch D10. So it's a no go for me. It made me sad because I was really looking forward to it. Then D10 decides to facetime OWW's sister. She is bringing her all over my house, she sees everything, she sees me and I just don't like it. I had to have a discussion with her when she got off the phone. I said she either makes a normal call or takes it to her room because I don't want people all up in my business. It's like the attack of OWW's family lately and I would like some personal space in my home from it.
I'm just tired and alone and I wish I had a mom or a parent or someone close for some help sometimes. But I don't.
I try to be mindful in my good moments. I suck it in for all it is worth. They are just few and far in between lately.
I was interested in joining this somnlier (sp?) group that meets on Monday nights at a nice resturaunt by me. I figured I love wine so much, I should become educated about it. But nope, no one to watch the kiddo. It's a catch 22 sometimes.
I am venting big time as you can see. But I need to exit this victim mentality mode and just accept life as it is. I'm tired of trying to change it. I am just going to be happy with what it is.
