I said, well, is she someone you could see yourself really loving and marrying???..... he said ...... ATTENTION- "No, b/c she has young kids and I don't want to raise any more kids."
I'd want more from him than that. I'd want to know why he chose to get together with her, even though he was chatting with you. It sounds as if he tried to have a relationship with her (even if it wasn't serious.)
But the more that I'd want is that his explanation makes it sound like he'd be with her if not for practicality. Where's the remorse for her not being Leahsue and his regret for seeking a shallow fling?
Since his intention is to try to work through things with you, you don't want to be left thinking "he's with me because I don't have young kids and she does, otherwise he'd be with her."
Perhaps he'll get there and is just not digging very deep right now. And maybe you've heard these things from him and just didn't include them.
And by saying the above, Leah, I want to include the disclaimer that I don't think he won't get there, just that surface-level explanation leaves me dissatisfied.
For this reason, I don't think that you should be comparing what he said about his fling to what you think about other men. You didn't have a choice in this, Leah, and now you're wondering if there are better options out there for you. He did have a choice, so I don't think it's a similar comparison.
(And, for what it's worth, I'm terrified to date guys with kids after my experience. However, if H came back to me saying he wanted to work things through because he tried something out with a woman with young kids and didn't like that, I'd be left wanting so much more from him.)
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I don't think, reconcile or not, I'll ever get a chance to defend myself in those areas, and even if I did, since we come from such polar opposite views on parenthood and spousal commitment, I don't think he'd ever see (or try to see) it from my point of view.
That's incredibly frustrating. I'm sorry.
I feel like step parenting can be such a no-win situation, where you're supposed to find this balance of all loving maternal light yet no say on how the kids are raised, and constantly suspected to be trying to compete or hinder the kids in some way. It's so hard. Most stepparents have the best of intentions, because it's a great deal of sacrifice right from the start (versus dating someone without kids.)
Also, I've noticed that divorced parents and an opposite sex child can sometimes form an almost relationship-like interaction in the absence of the parent having a significant other. When it's a dad and a daughter, it can be really problematic as a stepmom. The emotional space just isn't there for you to be a full partner. And the child, of course, doesn't want to give up the power they've come to assume (as the parent's confidante and decision making partner), which makes sense. And the parent has trouble seeing that boundaries were massively blurred, and think that they're just "really close" with their child. But they've inadvertently set up this unnecessary competition between stepmom and daughter, when, really, those roles are entirely separate and there's no need to compete.
It's all very confusing, Leah. He wants you around for his grandchild, but also allows others to think you weren't a good stepmom to his D? How's that work?
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I think when he and his siblings were at the family beach trip in July, based on a couple of statements he's made to me since then, that align almost word for word with comments his sister has made to me, that the family has pretty much decided that the reason our marriage failed is due to my lack of devotion, and jealousy of my step-daughter. Case closed. I think they discussed the failed marriage in light of that only, found me guilty, and no one ever mentioned his "vacation" 2 weeks earlier with another woman, nor his infidelity in December.
Image management. At some point he's going to have to tell his family to knock it off, and also tell them that he did some very negative and hurtful things to you. That can come down the line, but it would need to happen. Otherwise his family may come between you in the future based on incorrect assumptions that they've made.
