Journey to Acceptance

[HaWho]

I ditto Roist.

But from my vantage point, I just want to suggest that as odd as his interest in models appears to you, it makes sense to him. If this is MLC, this may be a flash of a child. Maybe he built models as a child and wants to return to that time. Or, maybe he grew up too fast and always wanted to build models.

Mleigh's h took on many child-like hobbies I remember.

Maybe, just maybe, do the opposite of your instincts and see the reaction. When he comes to pick them up, if you are there, mix up your reaction: "Wow! What a huge model set. Very impressive! Have you ever built them before or will this be your first?"

It is tremendously wholesome in comparison to what most dabble in during MLC. So, circling back to Roist's point, why would you not want to encourage it?

[OwnIt]

Roist, for me that was some of the best most meaningful advice I have read on the board. While I don't think we will ever reconcile, I think that the advice is still golden for how to reach a more civil state with him at some point in the future.

Coly, I'm sorry he is still bringing you so much pain. On the stuff front, my kept a lot of his stuff here and I think I held onto that believing it meant he was coming back or still cared or something. When we were planning to move I had him come get most of it (he brought too small a truck and the big stuff is still here in the garage). Nevertheless, getting him out of my space has been a godsend. Seeing his stuff was very traumatizing for me and a constant reminder of the pain.

He's going to keep coming back whether his stuff is there or not. I think for you it might give you some peace to have it gone. I totally get the desire to hold onto it, but it is a false security that really means nothing. Some walk out with nothing and never come back for anything.

I would love it if mine were home building models instead of chasing immoral women.

[BluWave]

Hi Coly,

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I liked the post by Roist as well. I think the LBS (and yes I was guilty of it too) spends far too much time speculating and mind reading. We are hurting and afraid, so we try to make sense of things subconsciously hoping we will get some relief, or that maybe it's not so bad, or maybe even to deflect blame off of ourself. The reality is we do not know why they do what they do. It really only serves us to make the focus be on what is best for us. So quite simply, if you dont want to store his belongings anymore--and why would you--just say "please come get all info your things, I have put them in this place." Then don't give it another thought and go on with your day.

I am not an epert, but I think above is the only road to detachment--this is doing something for you without considering the affect on him. You know how hard my sitch was, and I suffered tremendously! Years later tho, I can look back and see that he was not often doing anything to me. I was causing a lot of my own suffering by not letting go of him, by focusing so much on him, and also by trying to predict what the future held. By doing that, I wasn't living my own authentic life.

Take care,
Blu

[skm0619]

Coly.....I'm sorry you are upset. I totally understand exactly how you feel. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that my H acted strangely when it came time to get his things. As a matter of fact I think he said something like "now it makes everything final".....WOW!!!!

Like we have heard/read before, none of what they do makes any sense to us.....thank goodness I still have a hard time not mind reading, wondering why H did or didn't do something. I still am struggling with detaching.

I love what Blu said ......

I can look back and see that he was not often doing anything to me. I was causing a lot of my own suffering by not letting go of him, by focusing so much on him, and also by trying to predict what the future held. By doing that, I wasn't living my own authentic life

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this (((hugs)))

[Coly23]

Hi everyone! Sorry I have been MIA on my thread since I posted. I have been having a hard time with this all so my and D went away for the weekend to see some friends and have a bit of a break.

AP, Ginger, roist, pinn, HaWho, Ownit, Blu and Skm, thank you all so much for your feedback and encouragement. I really don't know why this has bugged me so much. I think at the moment I feel like it's death but a thousand paper cuts because he is not totally gone from my life so each time something like this happens I take 10 steps back on this journey.

Well I screwed my courage to the sticking place and asked him to come and pick up some more stuff. He came while we were away and collected some bags with his clothes in but there is still so much for him to sort through and collect I don't really know when this is going to end.

Also it's hard when I spin but he manages to remain nice and pleasant to me. When I asked him to pick his stuff up while I was away he said that he hoped I will have a lovely weekend away. I just asked him if he found all the bits for his model and he said yes and then complimented me on garden chairs I repainted. He said they looked very cool! God this is so hard!

I know I probably look like I'm stuck but I am trying so hard to move forward. I just miss him so much sometimes I can't bare it. I just don't understand how after 16 months we don't seem to be any further forward.

Roist, I am interested to know why someone who is depressed wouldn't be interested in making models? I thought it would be something you would do if you wanted to be alone and go inside of yourself? Also I don't know if he was depressed in the first place although the tone of his communications seems to have changed so maybe he is feeling a little better in himself.

So he has been texting me this afternoon about D and college and has been really nice to me. I am struggling because I want to ask him about us. Someone stop me!!!

[roist]

Hi coly.

Doing models requires above all concentration and many people when depressed cannot focus enough to do that. Plus depression blocks the desire to want to too. A short answer to a complicated issue.

Coly, don't ask him about ye. Have you noticed that after every limited communication there is an ice breaker followed by pleasant exchanges. Then you ask and he scurries back into his man cave. Askinghas never helped until now and it won't this time either. Even if ye slip back into NC he will not experience the pressure of your question and hence only have your pleasant interactions to remember. Over time only having positive interactions could build a desire for more, but slowly. Negative interactions reset the counter.

I know this is hard and you just want to know. We all do. But pushing to know only pushes them away. So you force the response to be one where they don't want to reconnect.

Best wishes

[Coly23]

Hi Roist, once again thank you so much for your wise words. It is amazing how you can see the pattern and I really couldn't before this but now I see you are right.

Tonight I am really struggling as I just want to talk to him but I know that will be too much pressure. I miss just talking with him about my day as he and I work in the same industry he would understand.

I'll just leave him for now and hopefully the pleasant interactions we just had will make him want to come back for more. Mostly I think that he just doesn't want to be married so all of this will be for nothing... :0(

[skm0619]

Coly......sorry you are having some sad days

I know how you feel. If you could just speak to H, it would be better. If he heard my voice, heard how calm I was being, how I was showing that I cared about him and was concerned, he would finally get it. WRONG.......H told me that it pushed him further away when I did that. He had to figure it out on his H. Taught me some patience that's for sure.

I know that when I did try to speak to H and ask him things he would shut down so fast. It didn't matter what I said, or how I said it......he just didn't want to talk about it at all.

I remember someone on here telling me if I was having those moments where I wanted to try and connect with H, post on here instead. I know it isn't what we really want to do, but it is for the best.

Be good to yourself Coly

[Coly23]

Hey skm! Thank you for your kind words. I know you are right in saying that H needs to figure this out for himself. I just winds if be already has and has decided that he is happier without me. IDK, the linger this goes on, the less hope I have. However it's good to get an insight into his your H felt.

Journaling: had a fantastic day yesterday with my two younger Sisters. We went to a local wine festival and did our very best to try all the wines on offer although eventually we had to admit defeat!

Nothing more from H after he told me he had transferred some money to me to pay for the hedge cutting. I really hate all this contact. It undoes all my hard work of detaching and then H just goes back to treating me like I don't exist. I was thinking today that the next text I get from him, if it is not important, I'm going to just ignore it. It will be a 180 for me and it will be a taste of his own medicine!

Happy Sunday everyone!!

[skm0619]

Coly.......trust me when I tell you that I totally understand what you mean when you say that you don't like all the contact between you and H. It definitely can undue or set you back in all the hard work you are doing.

I remember when H came around me....it was too much. I had to ask him to please give me some space. I have found that when H sends me a text I don't responsd unless it is of very high importance. When I would respond with a "thank you" I would expect a "you are welcome" in return, and when that didn't happen it made things worse.

It is hard, but you have to let him go. I am still learning that with my H.

Hope you had a good weekend.