Sara - Thank you so much for your perspective. I read your story the other night...sometimes as much as I'm dealing with a situation that stinks, I see what folks like you are going through, and I feel badly for complaining!
Quote:
your wife is like a ship out in the storm, your job is to be that lighthouse, steady and sound, shining the light out into the storm and darkness.
If I may vent for a moment...W has been on antidepressant meds for about 10 years, just stepped off of them. The person who organizes family events, decorating for Halloween or other holidays, even coordinating with friends on carpools...it's been me. I've been that source of light and stability for years. My kids know it, too...my S15 made a comment about 18 months ago that when mom goes on business trips it's fine at home, but when I go it's chaos, so they prefer me to be home. Our friends know that she's atrocious at responding to texts, so they default to me.
I know she values calm, and that's something I'm working on...it's a sudden change in approach for me. I've been the primary parent getting the kids ready in the morning, so I am a little more bossy with them than she'd like. I'm trying to soften my methods.
There are two things that I'm seeing in conflict on these boards (and I could totally be missing it, please weigh in): 1) being the lighthouse is seemingly in conflict with detaching and "Sandi's rules." Being that calm source of light isn't sexy 2) when she feels us getting close, she pulls back (especially with sex, but really with everything). It's not safe to her. I don't know how to establish "safe." Anxiety takes over (she will have anxiety no matter what happens). I can't figure out how to jump over that impasse as a couple, or invite her over.
In short, I don't know that even being that source of light is enough. It's up to her to address her anxiousness and emptiness. She seems to be reaching out, really wanting something, but I can't figure out what, or if I'm equipped to help her get there.
