Nice to hear from you, my friend. I was hoping you would pop on by, actually.
I have always waited for the and other shoe to drop and it always has. ANd yes yes yes on becoming overwhelmed with the feelings like something is missing and this isn't the way my life should be. We are so much alike. You shared some of your struggles and I know you, like me, do the work and it's frustrating not to get the results. I am trying so hard to not sit in this right now but I am seriously struggling. When the hope leaves, I don't do well.
The ghost feeling. I don't feel like I am "me" right now. I feel like my tank keeps getting sucked dry and is not being replenished. I am running on emotionally empty.
The good news is I am taking advantage of what I can to feel just a little better. I am searching for ways to feel that shift. It hasn't helped that someone very important in my life hasn't been around. To have that one go-to person not be there is difficult. But on the plus side, I am spending more time with my cousin. We are going for a weekend in Chinatown and doing a food tour and staying overnight with another couple we are friends with and her H's brother. My friend is coming from FL this week and we are going to the city on Saturday and out to dinner on Thursday. School is almost done. My brace is almost off.D10 is happy and doing wonderful. Her happiness is my happiness. Today we went to Sugar Factory in the city for my dad and his wifes gift to her. She brought her bestie. They had such a fabulous time. We all did.
The thing is, I feel like a loser and failure at the same time that I feel accomplished and a survivor. I can't keep a man, let alone get one right now. I have been able to love, but only two have ever said they loved me back (my ex and exNG) but neither of them showed it and I never felt it. And the one person who showed it and I actually felt (but didn't say it) broke up with me, moved on immediately, and said he loved our relationship and who I was to him, but not ME.
I realize I have been single for as long as I was not. 9 years with ex and 9 years without. And in those 8 years, I don't even think I have a combined year of dating.
But what have I accomplished? Raising a fabulous child alone, putting a roof over our head and food on our table plus some, advancing my college degree, surviving an affair and having it in my face all the time. I am determined to get healthy again. I do have very strong friendships, ones that I wouldn't have had if my life didn't take this path..... and this is the stuff only post divorce. I do take great pride in accomplishments and that I didn't lay down and die when I felt like that might be the only way to get rid of the pain, but I am ashamed of not being able to keep a partner. It is so hard for me to admit. I feel like I am defective and unlovable.
Funny story (I always have to conclude my posts with one). I've been watching "Jane the Virgin" which is so outlandish and the basis is on a Spanish soap opera. But I can relate to the main characters mother. Anyways, D10 was watching an episode with me today and when ever it looked like someone was going to cheat on their significant other, she was getting upset and saying how that is "so wrong!!!!". Thank God my daughter has a moral compass.
