Possibly. I did drop the rope tho. I've had enough. I told him yesterday that enough is enough. I've had it. If a divorce is what he wants then let's do this. I actually told him I don't care if he comes home or not. Which at this point is true right now. I said come get your stuff out of my house and let's figure out custody and holidays and all the asset division. He doesn't say much. Today he is in a bad mood and I get a text tellling me not to threaten him and that everyone would get peace if I moved on. And I said yes. Hence why I told you let's sit down and figure out everything or get lawyers. I told I'm ready. Which I am. I am ready to give this to him so we can all move on. And what do I get? Stonewalling. I straight out asked him what do you want out of this divorce? His answer was to stop arguiing. My gf says he is just avoiding the question. And it's a big game to him. I'm getting frustrated. I'm sure he wasn't prepared for the statement I gave him yesterday that I didn't care. But really at this point. I don't.
So since making that statement about I don't care if he comes home or not and let's get this over with, he won't sit down with me. I'm frustrated beyond measure. I want my life back and to stop playing his games. I'm not interested in being his doormat. I'm not interested in pushing a divorce. But how do I get my point across that I'm ok with ending this. I've said it, I've left him alone. I truly don't care what he does now. I've come right out and asked him to sit down and go over things. He won't.
I did however get a response when he said for me to move on. I asked what he meant by that. As I had already told him at that point that I didn't care if he moved back or not. And he said for me to stop assuming he has a gf. He doesn't. And every time he answers a text to assume it's a gf. So I said fine. I won't assume anymore.
Anyways. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think at this point it's a lost cause, as of October it will be a year.
I don't understand your path. You don't want the divorce. You want to change the way you interact. So you manage to make some behavioral changes. And he responds well to them, like HE is content with the new you.
But this bothers you...because you were only acting happy, you actually felt hurt and furious and he did not act like he did.
What did you want from him? Did you want him to suffer in some way so that this would "feel fairer" to you? We all struggle with these thoughts but it's not really something we will feel good about later. It actually undermines your new way of life.
Once he reacted well to your changes, you backslid and now you demand HE do some work to END things. I cannot help but think you are doing this to get a reaction from him,
(which I think you know is not new behavior) or to hurt him so he can understand how you feel.
That's not easy to admit but it is a common mistake. We tend to think if the WAS is not devastated like we are, they must not care and they are not "paying" for wounding us.
So I'd remind you to lose the scorecard, first. Second, learn more patience. A lot more. Your changes are not a year old, his statement to you happened a year ago. Not the same.
also your h has said numerous times all he wants is less conflict. (And that he does not believe you/the dynamic can change.)
Conflict for him is painful. Not easy for you I assume, but it's not a natural thing for him. I think it drains him.
[quote=Henwen]So since making that statement about I don't care if he comes home or not and let's get this over with, he won't sit down with me. I'm frustrated beyond measure. ever think he just wanted what he saw from you, to last? He wants to trust that your changes are real so He can feel safe from criticism and
maybe that is what he got with the kids on his own. Why continue to tell him you don't care? What is the goal of that statement? It is not detachment. I think you know how It sounds.
Why do you want him to shoulder the divorce paperwork? Couldn't you just file if you really wanted to? I'm not suggesting it but don't know what your goals are here.
Also you say this is Not what you want.
I want my life back and to stop playing his games. I'm not interested in being his doormat. I'm not interested in pushing a divorce. I don't know where the doormat piece is, but you are pushing for the divorce. Read your post from an outsiders perspective.
To me, it seemed you were making real change in the way you interact with him. But you wanted an immediate reversal from him. When you did not get it, you lashed out.
Hen, I know how hard this is. But please step back and read the past few posts of your thread.
But how do I get my point across that I'm ok with ending this. I've said it, I've left him alone. I truly don't care what he does now. I've come right out and asked him to sit down and go over things. He won't. I think if you read this^^^ you can see and hear the indecision in you. You cannot get your point across and demand he join you in the "let's divorce" dance at the same time. They are not consistent demands.
Why couldn't you just keep up the PMA and GAL for more than a few weeks? Wasn't life better for YOU?
Or Were the changes really just tactics to get him back? Tactics are not authentic changes.
Here is the math of it: consistent change + sufficient time = change he can believe in.
I did however get a response when he said for me to move on. I asked what he meant by that. As I had already told him at that point that I didn't care if he moved back or not. And he said for me to stop assuming he has a gf. He doesn't. And every time he answers a text to assume it's a gf. So I said fine. I won't assume anymore.
Anyways. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think at this point it's a lost cause, as of October it will be a year. [/quote
Look at this^^^ dynamic. You are cajoling and baiting him yet you do Not want a divorce... I feel as if you are daring him to file for divorce.
The vacation for him MAY have been a respite, not a time for wondering about missing you. You backed off and he returned - possibly with hope for you guys-- but not yet ready to completely change his mind/heart and path.
Then you declared your indifference and that you wanted him to hurry up and --- and what?
You want him or file & sit down with you only to see the horror of his choice and then slap his forehead and say "now that you've forced me to decide, I want this dynamic back!"?
Hen, please take this next comment as it is intended, which is to help YOU.
Okay, ready? (Got your helmet on?)
You're in pain. It has triggered You to behave a bit like a bully to him. Please take deep breaths and don't take any bait and do Not prod him anymore. Back off as if YOU have had the awakening (Sandi's "37 rules"--)
Maybe that ^^^ should be a permanent tool for you. It's a good one and I know you can do it.
Besides, If he really wanted the divorce and was now positive, you'd know!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ok I just read your post. I need time to process that. You are right. 100% all of it. Except that I thought not caring was detaching. I'm at work now so I'm going to read this over again and let it sink in tonight when I am alone. Thank you.
detaching is not indifference and it's not ever telling the WAS that is how you feel.
Here is something that might help.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse.
It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
Hope this helps.
Hang in there
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I read over your post on my lunch break. Yes i am most certainly keeping a scoreboard. I can see that now. Yes I want him to feel affected like I am. I want him to wake up to see the kids are affected by his decisions. I'm mad that we have to split up holidays and one of us has to spend Christmas morning alone. I'm mad that I'm the one at home raising the kids and driving them everywhere. While he does what? Goes home to a house where he has no arguing teenage daughter or homework. Or a leaking well pump. Yes I'm angry about that. I'm angry about his blind ways. I am desparetly trying to get rid of this anger. I am seeing an IC.
Your comment made sense that it's been a year since his BD not since behaviour changes. Some days I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. And I think if I got rid of him I would do ok. I hate working with him now. It just reminds me of the future I don't have. The one we had planned. I know I have a new one. One of my own making and it can be as fabulous as I want it. I'm only here because I get paid for my job really really well. Other then that I would quit. It's a conundrum for sure.
I want him to pay for the divorce and settle everything because this is what he wants. And I guess that is where my constant confusion comes in. Sure it's not listen to what they say. And only half of what they do. But parts of me wonders if he hasn't moved his stuff out of the house because his house is so small it won't fit into his place. And I know mind reading gets you no where. I know all this. But why can't I get my sh*t together and live that way? I am GAL. The kids and I had a blast at the local fair this weekend. I fill my calendar up with stuff to do. But honestly. If he truly wants to get out, then get out, so we can both move on. I find it incredibly hard to trust him after the EAs we went thru a year ago. And being separated makes it even worse. And if he is dating, then I want to know and then I will file. And I told him that. I told him if he starts dating then I want to know so I can quit at work. It's just confusing. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. And some days I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. And yes I do do some of the stuff to cause a reaction, so he can say woah what am I doing. I need to come back home. And that's why I said if he wants to leave let's do this. Because I can't take the insanity anymore. At all. And I try not to think of him and get on with my day. But working with him makes that hard. And if he does end up leaving then I have to mourn all over again?? I don't want that. Yes a patience is a virtue. Of which I don't have. And yes thank you for the 2x4. I'm going to process that further and take to heart what you said.
That detachment and your post really helped today. I woke up this morning feeling a bit stronger. I didn't engage him at all. And when I wanted to argue a point I stepped back and asked myself if it will help the situation. And if the answer was no then I backed off and didn't say anything. I'm going to try to give myself until Christmas. Back off and see what happens and reassess how I feel then. Unless of course he ends it before then.
3 days in the books of no arguiing. I joined a book club so I'm excited about that. Booked an evening for my daughter and I to watch a Christmas concert in December. Trying to make plans with the kids. My daughter wants to go mini golfing. H is still grumpy. So I'm doing my best to keep out of his way and not let his moods affect me. I told the kids their thanksgiving plans, where they will spend part of the weekend with me and the other half with H. Daughter got upset. She said she hates being shuffled back and forth on the holidays. So not too sure what to do about that.
She said she hates being shuffled back and forth on the holidays. So not too sure what to do about that.
Just validate, you can't "fix" that problem. Ask her how it makes her feel, validate her feelings and tell her you are sorry she has to go through this and you appreciate her showing so much strength in getting through it.
I did my best to help her. She seems better about it now. H has the boys this weekend. And he's been letting me know what time he expects to have them home at. Doesn't normally do that. So I will see that as a plus.
