Leah, part 5

[OwnIt]

Leah,

Wow, I hadn't realized he was back. I guess he was missing home more than he realized.

I think what you are feeling is natural. There is a lot of hurt and a lot of pain and it will need to go somewhere in time. Maybe keep reading through Blu's thread for inspiration and understanding.

Hope you do get just a bit of rain.

[leahsue]

I've been putting off posting an update, because my emotions have been so all over the place. But I am feeling a little needy for some input so I know in order for that to happen I have to show up. I may get some 2x4s but that's part of the journey.

I think it was too soon for another visit. I think I've made it too easy for him to spend time with me. I think I knew in my heart I should have said no to the 2nd visit. But selfishly I missed him and wanted to see him. From the very start of the 2nd visit, it was different for both of us. The frantic honeymoon, I can't keep my hands off of you, it's magical, all of the good feelings of being together came right back..... there was less of that, and more of the reality of - we are going to have to deal with the reality of our situation.

There were still good, close times that felt right. But I felt myself holding back and trusting the process less. We talked openly about his R with the woman he went on the "vacation" with, but I did not get the reassurance that I am going to have to have, in order to continue a relationship with him.

He said all the right things, about wanting us to have a future together, but those words don't mean anything to me until he can give me the assurance that she is completely out of the picture. And the burden of proof as to how he will give me that is going to have to be on him.

At the end of this visit, I felt more sure that this will end in divorce. He asked me to please not give up hope for us, and to give him a little more time to straighten out the mess he's made. I agreed to postpone the filing and re-scheduled the appointment for the next available appointment which is Nov 6. But I also told him I need a break from whatever this new R is becoming, because I just need some time to think about the last 2 visits. He didn't necessarily agree to a "break", but I intend to lay low and give myself some time.

I also have made the decision that I will not see him again or spend time with him, as long as there is the question of the OW and he having any contact with each other. I realize that right now neither of us considers ourselves "married" to each other, and certainly neither of us has re-committed to the M, so I don't kid myself that I have the right to make demands.... but on the other hand, that is a boundary that I am not willing to compromise on, and I have no interest or intention of continuing any kind of romantic relationship with someone who may still be seeing or talking to another woman.

I think I've let him back into my life too easily. My IC said although I've done a good job of DB, in that I have not shown him my desperate, broken self, at the same time, he has NOT seen the enormous amount of pain he has caused me these last 9 months, so he really cannot see the scope of work that we will have before us if we both decide we even want to do the work.

I feel like I'm rambling..... and I am. But that's how my thoughts feel right now. Like I'm on a tilt-a-whirl at a carnival.

I want to be with someone who chooses me every single day. I'm not sure I will ever feel or trust that to come from him again. And I'm not going to settle for less. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.

I've got lots of GAL activities planned for the next couple of months, and I intend to stay as busy as possible and spend less time thinking about "us", where we've been, where we are headed, etc. The next couple of months will be very busy for him as he moves his office into their new, permanent space. He also wants to move out of the apartment and closer to his son, further away from NYC. His son and DIL are expecting a baby, so H will be a grandfather. This seems to have sparked something in him also.

I'm going to be kind to myself, stay busy, and try to keep contact with him minimal for now. Then I'll re-evaluate where I am as the attorney appointment gets closer. Stay on my side of the street, and try to enjoy every single day, right where I am.

[cadence]

Hi Leah!

No 2x4s from me. I don't think you should beat yourself up. I think that you're simply experiencing the emotional fallout that accompanies knowing that all of the good stuff is still there with someone who hurt you so badly, and fear that you'd have to trust him again. The trust wouldn't even be as it was before; he'd have to do some significant stepping up, and I wonder if your negative feelings are about fearing he won't follow through.

Leah, I just want to reassure you that you are worth it. You are worth this man moving heaven and earth to regain your trust in him. Please solidify that belief in your brain and make it something that you remind yourself of every single day. It's not to be spoken to yourself in a vengeful way, where you suspect he'll disappoint you and you're putting up a new defensive shield. It just is - you're worth the effort. It's like the tides going in and out and the sun rising every day.

On the topic of pain, I urge you to be very careful. Your IC is telling you that H has no idea about the pain he caused you, and that's true. However, I'm not sure it's time to notify him of that. My understanding is that it's okay to acknowledge that the pain is there, but you have to continue taking care of yourself and processing your own pain unless there is that significant commitment from him - the "I'm all in" from him - and the two of you are actively working together.

So your IC is right, but don't be tempted to show H that pain yet. It's not time for it. Remember your DB principle that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are still in the stage where dealing from the fallout from H's choices is solely on your shoulders. You're processing it and dealing with it because you love yourself and it's the right thing to do. Continue on that path.

It sounds like you've got a solid boundary with the "I won't continue trying to repair this if I have any doubt about other women in your life." That's very reasonable. (And, tell me, is the woman he went on vacation with the same one from his original infidelity? Has it been this one woman or was it multiple women?)

I'm so sorry you heard about what he has been up to. Even though you knew it, logically, it must have been hard to hear from him. I very much suspect it was incredibly shallow and not anything comparable to what he'd built with you, so don't beat yourself up about it. He needed an ego boost and so he looked to quick and easy candy. If it was truly as amazing and fulfilling as he'd thought, he'd not be asking you to put off filing for D and coming to see you, right?

Did the two of you speak of the distance and how that would ever be resolved?

I think that your plan of concentrating on you is the way to go. I've always seen little bits of abandonment fears in you, and I'd like to see you continuing to heal yourself and that little girl inside of you who is so afraid that she's not good enough. Because she is good enough; grown you knows that and it's time to keep reminding yourself of that.

Keep healing and keep building yourself up. You're on the right path, no matter what happens.

xo!

[leahsue]

Oh Cadence, you always make me feel so much stronger! Thank you for the quick response.

Not that his words mean anything, but he claims that his original infidelity in December was the drunken one-night stand, and that he did not meet this vacation OW until late February. I tend to believe him only b/c he was so ashamed of the December incident, and I truly don't think he kept up a R with her. He told both me and BIL (in what he thought was confidence but BIL told me) that he'd never met the woman before. Phone records tend to back up that this vacation OW came into the picture later.

Yes, it was hard to hear that it seems at the very time he was beginning to come out of his hole and creep back towards me, he was just meeting her and keeping up a constant stream of texting. I did not ask for many specific details, mainly to protect my own mind, but maybe at some point, if it matters to me, I will want more info. I'm not sure it would help me though, and I AM sure it won't help me right now.

You have always pinpointed straight to the heart of me, that I struggle with "not good enough", when it comes to him. As I've learned more about the reasons our M was not strong enough to withstand the distance and an A, that has become more of an internal struggle as I've seen more of the areas that I dropped the ball. There is no justification for an A and infidelity, but there does need to be ownership of the realities of why a M falters in the first place. Those are the things I can change about me, that would need to be changed in any future Rs. But at the end of the day, I AM worth the effort. And you're exactly right- I do have fear that he won't be willing to do the work to build a new R with me. But then I ask myself, why is there fear in that? He's already done that once, and I survived. I could survive again if that happens, and if I don't take the chances, I won't ever know if we could have made something new out of this hot mess.

I am glad you pointed out the things about IC and my own pain. She did go on to say- "NOT that he needs to have all the pain dumped at his feet right now!" There was one night during the first visit when we had gone to a little Mexican rest and were way back in a corner table, and after a few margaritas, I began to describe a particularly awful day right after BD. As tears began to stream down his face, I said, you know what? I don't need to be dumping this on you, as I can see it is very painful for you too, and right now I think we just need to be enjoying each other. But he insisted I finish the story- he said I need to hear these things. I did finish the story, but did not go there again during that visit. There will be a time and place for that, if we R, but I think those stories will need to be told under the guidance of a MC.

However, the last day of this last visit, I did have a great deal of pain. And I did not hide it from him, although I tried. After a particularly painful discussion the last morning, he did his usual deflection and said, why don't we go out to breakfast? like there had not 30 seconds before been some really hard things said. I just felt myself sigh and said OK. At breakfast though, I had a hard time fighting back tears, and he was very gentle and said why the tears? I just said, this feels like goodbye today,even more so than in December. When we got back to the house, I went in to take a shower, and while in the shower, just let the hard tears come. Ugly cry, I mean. He came into the bathroom and asked where something was, and when I answered him, although I tried to sound normal, I guess he heard the tears in my voice. He opened the shower door and saw how broken I was, and just pulled me over to him. Which was sweet, but I have to say, looking back on it, I laugh, b/c I can imagine how that would have looked say, in a movie, where water is beating down on me, he is halfway in, fully clothed, getting soaked, and the bathroom floor is filling up with water. Plus, who looks pretty when they are soaking wet and having an ugly cry? Well, not many of us, I'd venture. So during those unguarded moments, he saw some very real, raw pain. But that's it. I finally pulled away, pushed him out gently, finished my shower, and pulled myself back together. By the time we left for the airport, I was back to the "I'm fine, I'm strong, I'm moving on..." person I've been with him since I found this forum.

So although he knows the deep hurt is there from those two quick glimpses in, he has no idea the depth, and I agree, does not need to know at this point.

We briefly did discuss the long distance thing; well, mostly he talked about it. I made it clear I was not even ready to discuss moving back, but if that time came, it would have to be to a new place, not that apartment, and MC would not be negotiable. As he talked about becoming a grandfather, he said more than once that he knew my heart's desire was to be a grandmother, and what a huge heart I have for babies, and that he hoped we could do that together. He also said he knew his S would be hoping for us to R, b/c he knows he would hit the jackpot with me close by to "grandmother" his new baby. So he did make reference to my coming back, but I know he is aware there would be many steps to come before I'd be willing to do that.

Thank you again for your words. I know I'm far better prepared today to face the future, whatever it brings, than I was 9 months ago. And I believe I am far more back to living my authentic life than the one I had let myself slide into during the last few years. So there's some silver lining.

And Blu, if you happen to be reading, I just wanted you to know that, although I've always valued your input so much, and have read your whole thread in the past, I'm finding comfort and new insight into your story now. I could not sleep last night, so I went back and began reading your thread again. It's much more relevant to me at this point in time, and the constant reminders to not focus on him, but rather on me, are exactly what I need to hear right now. So thank you for being brave enough to come "live" to the forum when you did. I think you are a huge addition to the Newcomers, especially, with words we all need to hear during those first, awful, dark days. They don't sink in through the shock and pain until later, but if and when they do, they are key to recovery, not of the M, but of the LBS soul.

If you're still reading, (bless your stamina!) then I want to close this (way too long) post with these words from a great new book I'm devouring right now. I wish I could share the title, because I'm finding such healing in this book. If you're a Christian, you'll be OK with the reference to Jesus/God/faith, but even if you're not, substitute Universe/Higher Power/Karma/Whoever works for you. And may that Power give us all strength and peace in the journey. I love you guys, and put you at the top of my gratitude list every single day.

"I am here to tell you today, as I write this, WE LIVE. Dear ones, it was just a bit ago I thought I would never smile again. And even worse, I thought I would be scared the rest of my life. Some things I'd counted on were gone, and they left a vacuum of insecurity.

But God has not given us the spirit of fear, not has He saddled us with a spirit of defeat. We live because He lives, and He is real and present and moving and working and He will not have us conquered. Flatten your feet and anchor yourself, because nothing in your life is too dead for resurrection. It can be the very worst thing, the main thing, the one thing of which you said ANYTHING BUT THAT. Darkness can find your soul or marriage or child or body in ways that you begged against, that you blocked in every way. It can be worse than you think and more crushing than you imagined.

And even then, WE LIVE. This is the power in us. Rock bottom tells us that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do. Actual strength can be renewed. Real marriages can come back to life, flesh and blood families can be repaired, and miraculously, those very fractures can fuse back stronger than before.

We live.
Hallelujah."

[joejoe1]

Le,

Thanks for the very intimate post. I loved the passage at the end of your post. It gave me strength in this moment.

Reading your Sitch, you have became a very strong woman. Yesterday my friend told me something that really hit home. I'm a Christian and you seem to be as well. He told me, "that sometimes GOD gives us Grace for more than one person.". Can you picture that, that GOD grace is so strong that we can contain Grace for more than ourselves. Your H and my W doesn't have grace right now. And we have to be strong for them, tough love, Watch towers. It's sucky place to be in. But GOD doesnt give us anything we can't handle.

Stay strong Le.

[Nrthman]

Leah,

Thank you very much for visiting my thread. Your last post what can I say. Faith that things will work out putting trust in our creator.

WE LIVE and have been given free will sometimes to use in a good way and at other times to hurt the ones closest to us.

I am sorry for not being able to offer some plan of action I just wanted to let you know the comment WE LIVE will be my go to thought as I deal with my own concerns today and going forward.

Keep strong Le,

[JDub]

Hi Leah - I wonder if I could pick your brain about something. I've read a lot of your story, and BTW you write very well and it's kind of heartbreaking. But I see how hard you are trying to move forward, and that's inspirational.

I'm wanting to understand more about the W's mindset. My W gets overwhelmed by anxieties, and she's always had trouble coping with life events that are modestly complex (she's very very smart, but doesn't like breaking eggs).

I started a business about five years ago, it took much longer than planned for me to get on the payroll (we had planned for three years, I just started getting paid in May). During that time, she got laid off, her mom got diagnosed with cancer and subsequently passed away, she went off meds, etc. I'm the source of all blame and resentment, and she goes into full-on "blame rage" when we have R discussions. She's not owning her stuff, but feels justified in her anger.

This isn't an A situation obviously, so it is a little different, but some people might see a connection between dedication to a business and an EA. Saps your attention and focus for sure. We are both devoted to our kids, and although she's conflicted, she is really pushing for a D.

If your H even wanted it, what does it take for a W to overcome accrued anger and resentment and hopelessness, including the kind you are facing?

Thanks - don't mean to hijack your thread at all, just didn't know if you had ever thought about it.

[leahsue]

Hi JDub,
I don't feel you are hijacking my thread at all. I'm glad you asked.

Although..... I'm not totally sure what kind of answers you are looking for from me.

IF my H wanted it, and I saw genuine remorse and desire to build a new R, then I believe the hopelessness piece would go away on its own.

The anger and resentment I am just beginning to feel around the outer edges of, so I'm not sure how those are going to look going forward.

I've enjoyed my weekend with NC, although I'll admit I have checked my phone to see if he's "taking a break from me" like I asked. (He is.)

However, what I expected to feel was a sense of peace in knowing I did NOT have to wonder if he was going to call or text, or where he was and what he was doing. I have felt a little bit of that. But I've also felt some real anger building about the whole last 9 months. I've found myself alone several times, actually speaking out loud as if to him, and it's not pretty. It feels like justification for why I was not "the wife no one would leave".

I own my side of the street in the failing of the M. But I also feel some small justification for some of the things I did wrong, especially involving my step-children and their place in his life. I don't think, reconcile or not, I'll ever get a chance to defend myself in those areas, and even if I did, since we come from such polar opposite views on parenthood and spousal commitment, I don't think he'd ever see (or try to see) it from my point of view. I think when he and his siblings were at the family beach trip in July, based on a couple of statements he's made to me since then, that align almost word for word with comments his sister has made to me, that the family has pretty much decided that the reason our marriage failed is due to my lack of devotion, and jealousy of my step-daughter. Case closed. I think they discussed the failed marriage in light of that only, found me guilty, and no one ever mentioned his "vacation" 2 weeks earlier with another woman, nor his infidelity in December. Rose colored glasses when viewing him (and that's a direct quote from his sister, her own admission that she has always had those on and probably always will....) stands. He's still the golden, baby boy, and whatever he's done, right or wrong, can now be laid at my feet because I didn't love his daughter enough.

This makes me sad, even as I write it.

I loved having my Mama here for the weekend. We went shopping (which I hate) and she bought me some new clothes (which I love) because since I don't report to work anywhere every day any more, my wardrobe has changed dramatically. I believe I will begin doing some part time work downtown at the capitol when the legislature convenes
in January, and so if I start now, building up a professional style of dress, it will be much easier to slip back into that role. Dressing well empowers you. And I felt very empowered in my new clothes going to church this morning. LOL. Dress rehearsal, I suppose, for real job.

[PsySara]

The anger, HOLY MOLY do I know what you're talking about. I remember once my WH finally moved to my state and the RAGE just boiled under the surface. I would be driving to work and replaying the last 6 months of the chaos and just YELLING convos. I am sure if someone looked in my car they would have thought they were viewing a mad woman. Now's the time to become really intensive with working out lest you break sh*t, seriously. I am not proud to admit to punching a few holes (and quietly spackling them) in the walls when no one was home.

You have a metric ton of stuff to process from this visit. Be gentle with yourself and patient, everyone's journey is unique and there is no "right" way to heal.

[leahsue]

Well, you got a good out loud laugh from me on punching a few holes but especially the (and quietly spackling them) line.

How are you holding up?

You've dealing with a metric ton of $hit yourself, lady.