Leah, part 5

[leahsue]

Hi JDub,
I don't feel you are hijacking my thread at all. I'm glad you asked.

Although..... I'm not totally sure what kind of answers you are looking for from me.

IF my H wanted it, and I saw genuine remorse and desire to build a new R, then I believe the hopelessness piece would go away on its own.

The anger and resentment I am just beginning to feel around the outer edges of, so I'm not sure how those are going to look going forward.

I've enjoyed my weekend with NC, although I'll admit I have checked my phone to see if he's "taking a break from me" like I asked. (He is.)

However, what I expected to feel was a sense of peace in knowing I did NOT have to wonder if he was going to call or text, or where he was and what he was doing. I have felt a little bit of that. But I've also felt some real anger building about the whole last 9 months. I've found myself alone several times, actually speaking out loud as if to him, and it's not pretty. It feels like justification for why I was not "the wife no one would leave".

I own my side of the street in the failing of the M. But I also feel some small justification for some of the things I did wrong, especially involving my step-children and their place in his life. I don't think, reconcile or not, I'll ever get a chance to defend myself in those areas, and even if I did, since we come from such polar opposite views on parenthood and spousal commitment, I don't think he'd ever see (or try to see) it from my point of view. I think when he and his siblings were at the family beach trip in July, based on a couple of statements he's made to me since then, that align almost word for word with comments his sister has made to me, that the family has pretty much decided that the reason our marriage failed is due to my lack of devotion, and jealousy of my step-daughter. Case closed. I think they discussed the failed marriage in light of that only, found me guilty, and no one ever mentioned his "vacation" 2 weeks earlier with another woman, nor his infidelity in December. Rose colored glasses when viewing him (and that's a direct quote from his sister, her own admission that she has always had those on and probably always will....) stands. He's still the golden, baby boy, and whatever he's done, right or wrong, can now be laid at my feet because I didn't love his daughter enough.

This makes me sad, even as I write it.

I loved having my Mama here for the weekend. We went shopping (which I hate) and she bought me some new clothes (which I love) because since I don't report to work anywhere every day any more, my wardrobe has changed dramatically. I believe I will begin doing some part time work downtown at the capitol when the legislature convenes
in January, and so if I start now, building up a professional style of dress, it will be much easier to slip back into that role. Dressing well empowers you. And I felt very empowered in my new clothes going to church this morning. LOL. Dress rehearsal, I suppose, for real job.