I've been reading here for 4 years. I've recieved so much valuable advice from reading the threads of others. I'll thank the many that came before me in general now and individually as opportunities arise.
My story:
My husband met the OW 4.5 years ago. I believe he was covertly but seriously depressed at the time and she affected him like heroin. He claimed he wanted to keep our marriage, but couldn't give her up. He drank himself to sleep on the nights he was home. He told me he wanted to kill himself when she passive aggressively told him he had to spend his birthday with me and the kids.
I cried, tried to remind him of the good, etc (all the wrong things). I couldn't eat or sleep. I dropped 30 pounds and my coworkers were asking if I had cancer. I read the DB books and started reading the boards in Aug 14. I held on as long as I could.
I asked him to move out in Nov 14 because I had to get away from the pain. He said he knew she wasn't as good as me. He gave me a list of the important ways I was better, but he wouldn't (or couldn't) give her up and he seemed powerless to say no to her increasingly bold demands (like spending the afternoon with him and my children).
We mediated the terms of our separation and started living by them when he left home. I filed for a legal separation when he bought a house in Aug 15. We continue to trust each other in financial matters and neither of us have any fear that the other is plotting against us. We continue to share a joint account and credit card for the kids expenses.
I set a boundary that I don't go to his house and he isn't allowed to come into mine. Except for urgent situations with the kids, I limit my calls or texts to his work hours because it's uncomfortable to talk to him when she's around. His personality seems different.
When his mental health comes up (rarely), he admits to continied depression and anxiety. He says he doesn't sleep. When our D14 started pulling away from him, I asked if he wished he'd made another choice. He was convinced at the time that his relationship with me was bad and he can't go back. I asked if he wants to divorce and he says it might be a good idea to get me out of limbo, but he's never brought it up himself or made a move towards it. He almost never says the OWs name to me. He shows up for the kids and she has never been in tow. I think he's stuck.
As for me, I regained a healthy weight and I sleep fairly well. I'm focused on a good relationship with my kids (D14 and S12) when they're here, and I enjoy hobbies and the company of friends when they aren't. I've had suitors, but I can feel that I'm not ready to give up on my marriage. I feel like I can accept a divorce and be at peace if he wants one, but I don't have any desire to initiate one myself. I still believe that if he finds his way through this that he would be a better choice than what's behind door #3. If he doesn't get through this, I'm okay. You might say that I'm stuck too.
