Leah, part 5

[leahsue]

Oh Cadence, you always make me feel so much stronger! Thank you for the quick response.

Not that his words mean anything, but he claims that his original infidelity in December was the drunken one-night stand, and that he did not meet this vacation OW until late February. I tend to believe him only b/c he was so ashamed of the December incident, and I truly don't think he kept up a R with her. He told both me and BIL (in what he thought was confidence but BIL told me) that he'd never met the woman before. Phone records tend to back up that this vacation OW came into the picture later.

Yes, it was hard to hear that it seems at the very time he was beginning to come out of his hole and creep back towards me, he was just meeting her and keeping up a constant stream of texting. I did not ask for many specific details, mainly to protect my own mind, but maybe at some point, if it matters to me, I will want more info. I'm not sure it would help me though, and I AM sure it won't help me right now.

You have always pinpointed straight to the heart of me, that I struggle with "not good enough", when it comes to him. As I've learned more about the reasons our M was not strong enough to withstand the distance and an A, that has become more of an internal struggle as I've seen more of the areas that I dropped the ball. There is no justification for an A and infidelity, but there does need to be ownership of the realities of why a M falters in the first place. Those are the things I can change about me, that would need to be changed in any future Rs. But at the end of the day, I AM worth the effort. And you're exactly right- I do have fear that he won't be willing to do the work to build a new R with me. But then I ask myself, why is there fear in that? He's already done that once, and I survived. I could survive again if that happens, and if I don't take the chances, I won't ever know if we could have made something new out of this hot mess.

I am glad you pointed out the things about IC and my own pain. She did go on to say- "NOT that he needs to have all the pain dumped at his feet right now!" There was one night during the first visit when we had gone to a little Mexican rest and were way back in a corner table, and after a few margaritas, I began to describe a particularly awful day right after BD. As tears began to stream down his face, I said, you know what? I don't need to be dumping this on you, as I can see it is very painful for you too, and right now I think we just need to be enjoying each other. But he insisted I finish the story- he said I need to hear these things. I did finish the story, but did not go there again during that visit. There will be a time and place for that, if we R, but I think those stories will need to be told under the guidance of a MC.

However, the last day of this last visit, I did have a great deal of pain. And I did not hide it from him, although I tried. After a particularly painful discussion the last morning, he did his usual deflection and said, why don't we go out to breakfast? like there had not 30 seconds before been some really hard things said. I just felt myself sigh and said OK. At breakfast though, I had a hard time fighting back tears, and he was very gentle and said why the tears? I just said, this feels like goodbye today,even more so than in December. When we got back to the house, I went in to take a shower, and while in the shower, just let the hard tears come. Ugly cry, I mean. He came into the bathroom and asked where something was, and when I answered him, although I tried to sound normal, I guess he heard the tears in my voice. He opened the shower door and saw how broken I was, and just pulled me over to him. Which was sweet, but I have to say, looking back on it, I laugh, b/c I can imagine how that would have looked say, in a movie, where water is beating down on me, he is halfway in, fully clothed, getting soaked, and the bathroom floor is filling up with water. Plus, who looks pretty when they are soaking wet and having an ugly cry? Well, not many of us, I'd venture. So during those unguarded moments, he saw some very real, raw pain. But that's it. I finally pulled away, pushed him out gently, finished my shower, and pulled myself back together. By the time we left for the airport, I was back to the "I'm fine, I'm strong, I'm moving on..." person I've been with him since I found this forum.

So although he knows the deep hurt is there from those two quick glimpses in, he has no idea the depth, and I agree, does not need to know at this point.

We briefly did discuss the long distance thing; well, mostly he talked about it. I made it clear I was not even ready to discuss moving back, but if that time came, it would have to be to a new place, not that apartment, and MC would not be negotiable. As he talked about becoming a grandfather, he said more than once that he knew my heart's desire was to be a grandmother, and what a huge heart I have for babies, and that he hoped we could do that together. He also said he knew his S would be hoping for us to R, b/c he knows he would hit the jackpot with me close by to "grandmother" his new baby. So he did make reference to my coming back, but I know he is aware there would be many steps to come before I'd be willing to do that.

Thank you again for your words. I know I'm far better prepared today to face the future, whatever it brings, than I was 9 months ago. And I believe I am far more back to living my authentic life than the one I had let myself slide into during the last few years. So there's some silver lining.

And Blu, if you happen to be reading, I just wanted you to know that, although I've always valued your input so much, and have read your whole thread in the past, I'm finding comfort and new insight into your story now. I could not sleep last night, so I went back and began reading your thread again. It's much more relevant to me at this point in time, and the constant reminders to not focus on him, but rather on me, are exactly what I need to hear right now. So thank you for being brave enough to come "live" to the forum when you did. I think you are a huge addition to the Newcomers, especially, with words we all need to hear during those first, awful, dark days. They don't sink in through the shock and pain until later, but if and when they do, they are key to recovery, not of the M, but of the LBS soul.

If you're still reading, (bless your stamina!) then I want to close this (way too long) post with these words from a great new book I'm devouring right now. I wish I could share the title, because I'm finding such healing in this book. If you're a Christian, you'll be OK with the reference to Jesus/God/faith, but even if you're not, substitute Universe/Higher Power/Karma/Whoever works for you. And may that Power give us all strength and peace in the journey. I love you guys, and put you at the top of my gratitude list every single day.

"I am here to tell you today, as I write this, WE LIVE. Dear ones, it was just a bit ago I thought I would never smile again. And even worse, I thought I would be scared the rest of my life. Some things I'd counted on were gone, and they left a vacuum of insecurity.

But God has not given us the spirit of fear, not has He saddled us with a spirit of defeat. We live because He lives, and He is real and present and moving and working and He will not have us conquered. Flatten your feet and anchor yourself, because nothing in your life is too dead for resurrection. It can be the very worst thing, the main thing, the one thing of which you said ANYTHING BUT THAT. Darkness can find your soul or marriage or child or body in ways that you begged against, that you blocked in every way. It can be worse than you think and more crushing than you imagined.

And even then, WE LIVE. This is the power in us. Rock bottom tells us that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do. Actual strength can be renewed. Real marriages can come back to life, flesh and blood families can be repaired, and miraculously, those very fractures can fuse back stronger than before.

We live.
Hallelujah."