Hello my friend.I am glad you are on the mend...albeit slowly. And knowing you, because we are so similar..you dont have time for slow. You want it fixed now.
So, I am going through some tough stuff. While I know there are others out there with far more burdens, these are mine and I am trying to embrace the fact that it is ok for me to feel worn down. Doesnt make me weak. It makes me human.
Once in awhile a thought creeps in about why bad stuff keeps happening to me and to those I love. I see people who seem to breeze through life without a challenge in the world. While I dont wish them anything different, I wonder about it. Then I realize I have no idea how their lives really are. They could have terrible burdens I dont know about.
Anyway, as I hate to feel sorry for myself, I try not to. But sometimes, I am just freakin tired of it all. So when you say you feel like a ghost, I know exactly what you mean. You put one foot (for you literally right now - ok, sorry, my bad) each day and get through it. But sometimes I dont want to just "get through" something. I want it fixed..done..gone.
You know me, so, I know you know I am not one to feel sorry for myself and I hope that isnt how I am coming across. I just mean that I would like to just have a small period in my life where things arent so freakin heavy.
I want a time when I am not waiting for the next shoe to drop, or that I am not waiting for when my life will be tranquil. And then I realize, I am wasting some valuable time waiting and that is just adding to the problem.
I have now started to practice mindfulness, which, for people like us, is kinda hard. Like I dont have time for that! LOL! But really, it is helping a little. I try to be in the moment and feel it. So that at least in that time, I am engaged in my life. I am not thinking about all the stuff that succks. I am just enjoying that minute, or hour.
As I said, I understand feeling like a ghost. That describes it exactly. And while I could say that things will get better. You will feel better. You will feel whole and fulfilled and where you should be. And that would be true. But if I say that, it negates how you are feeling right now. And I want to validate your feelings. You feel as you do and that is ok.
I used to say on here that one will not always feel the way they do in this moment. That things change and people and circumstances change and so do we. And that is true.
When the feelings come.. the overwhelming feeling, the something is missing feeling, the waiting for the bad thing feeling begin to set in, I have to remind myself that while my life doesnt look the way I want it to..I have gotten through a lot of stuff and I am ok. And that maybe this is how my life is supposed to be at this time.
G, it is ok to have the feelings you do. What isnt ok, at least for me, is to allow them to permeate into my being present in my life each day. And trust me when I tell you...it doesnt always work. But each day, I try. Some days I make it and some I dont, but that is the goal.
What I am trying to do now, is figure out how to change some things so that I feel a shift in some way. It includes letting go of some thoughts, some people, some actions and figuring out how to get closer to feeling like I am no longer a ghost. I have to do something different or I will stay stuck. Change the things I can, ya know?
You want someone to share your life with. You have tried it the way you have been. Maybe it's time to do something different. I think you have to put yourself out there. I mean really put yourself out there.
I would have said the same thing to the cop because that is our knee jerk reaction to having people wanting to help us. That we are ok. That we can handle it. And I am not saying you should have said anything differently because you and I are not game players. We are real. But maybe next time, try a funny remark or something else that would have engaged him.
Just be you, G. Your wonderful, sassy, funny you. Do it even when you dont feel like it. Force yourself sometimes. Because who cares what the heck people think as long as you are being true to you.
I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you feel as I feel it. But life is passing me by as I float among it. I dont want to do that anymore. I want to be a part of it. I want to experience all of it.
G, life can change in an instant. Tomorrow you could meet the person you were meant to be with. Until then, just be present in every moment. Let those things go that you can, like having to be with your ex and his wife. Because let's face it, you lived that life and now she has to..that must succk. I know its hard sometimes, but, who freakin cares about them? As long as they are good to our girl.. bye Felicia.
I am sorry you are feeling as you do. It is so hard to feel that way. It weighs us down. But we have weathered the toughest of storms and come out the other side stronger.
So, change things up some. Do something different. Any little shift can cause a different result.
I know you are going to keep going. I know you are ok. I know, without a single doubt, that you will figure it all out. Til then, know that there is a little Brooklyn girl rooting you on always. <3
