No 2x4s from me. I don't think you should beat yourself up. I think that you're simply experiencing the emotional fallout that accompanies knowing that all of the good stuff is still there with someone who hurt you so badly, and fear that you'd have to trust him again. The trust wouldn't even be as it was before; he'd have to do some significant stepping up, and I wonder if your negative feelings are about fearing he won't follow through.
Leah, I just want to reassure you that you are worth it. You are worth this man moving heaven and earth to regain your trust in him. Please solidify that belief in your brain and make it something that you remind yourself of every single day. It's not to be spoken to yourself in a vengeful way, where you suspect he'll disappoint you and you're putting up a new defensive shield. It just is - you're worth the effort. It's like the tides going in and out and the sun rising every day.
On the topic of pain, I urge you to be very careful. Your IC is telling you that H has no idea about the pain he caused you, and that's true. However, I'm not sure it's time to notify him of that. My understanding is that it's okay to acknowledge that the pain is there, but you have to continue taking care of yourself and processing your own pain unless there is that significant commitment from him - the "I'm all in" from him - and the two of you are actively working together.
So your IC is right, but don't be tempted to show H that pain yet. It's not time for it. Remember your DB principle that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are still in the stage where dealing from the fallout from H's choices is solely on your shoulders. You're processing it and dealing with it because you love yourself and it's the right thing to do. Continue on that path.
It sounds like you've got a solid boundary with the "I won't continue trying to repair this if I have any doubt about other women in your life." That's very reasonable. (And, tell me, is the woman he went on vacation with the same one from his original infidelity? Has it been this one woman or was it multiple women?)
I'm so sorry you heard about what he has been up to. Even though you knew it, logically, it must have been hard to hear from him. I very much suspect it was incredibly shallow and not anything comparable to what he'd built with you, so don't beat yourself up about it. He needed an ego boost and so he looked to quick and easy candy. If it was truly as amazing and fulfilling as he'd thought, he'd not be asking you to put off filing for D and coming to see you, right?
Did the two of you speak of the distance and how that would ever be resolved?
I think that your plan of concentrating on you is the way to go. I've always seen little bits of abandonment fears in you, and I'd like to see you continuing to heal yourself and that little girl inside of you who is so afraid that she's not good enough. Because she is good enough; grown you knows that and it's time to keep reminding yourself of that.
Keep healing and keep building yourself up. You're on the right path, no matter what happens.
