Leah, part 5

[leahsue]

I've been putting off posting an update, because my emotions have been so all over the place. But I am feeling a little needy for some input so I know in order for that to happen I have to show up. I may get some 2x4s but that's part of the journey.

I think it was too soon for another visit. I think I've made it too easy for him to spend time with me. I think I knew in my heart I should have said no to the 2nd visit. But selfishly I missed him and wanted to see him. From the very start of the 2nd visit, it was different for both of us. The frantic honeymoon, I can't keep my hands off of you, it's magical, all of the good feelings of being together came right back..... there was less of that, and more of the reality of - we are going to have to deal with the reality of our situation.

There were still good, close times that felt right. But I felt myself holding back and trusting the process less. We talked openly about his R with the woman he went on the "vacation" with, but I did not get the reassurance that I am going to have to have, in order to continue a relationship with him.

He said all the right things, about wanting us to have a future together, but those words don't mean anything to me until he can give me the assurance that she is completely out of the picture. And the burden of proof as to how he will give me that is going to have to be on him.

At the end of this visit, I felt more sure that this will end in divorce. He asked me to please not give up hope for us, and to give him a little more time to straighten out the mess he's made. I agreed to postpone the filing and re-scheduled the appointment for the next available appointment which is Nov 6. But I also told him I need a break from whatever this new R is becoming, because I just need some time to think about the last 2 visits. He didn't necessarily agree to a "break", but I intend to lay low and give myself some time.

I also have made the decision that I will not see him again or spend time with him, as long as there is the question of the OW and he having any contact with each other. I realize that right now neither of us considers ourselves "married" to each other, and certainly neither of us has re-committed to the M, so I don't kid myself that I have the right to make demands.... but on the other hand, that is a boundary that I am not willing to compromise on, and I have no interest or intention of continuing any kind of romantic relationship with someone who may still be seeing or talking to another woman.

I think I've let him back into my life too easily. My IC said although I've done a good job of DB, in that I have not shown him my desperate, broken self, at the same time, he has NOT seen the enormous amount of pain he has caused me these last 9 months, so he really cannot see the scope of work that we will have before us if we both decide we even want to do the work.

I feel like I'm rambling..... and I am. But that's how my thoughts feel right now. Like I'm on a tilt-a-whirl at a carnival.

I want to be with someone who chooses me every single day. I'm not sure I will ever feel or trust that to come from him again. And I'm not going to settle for less. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.

I've got lots of GAL activities planned for the next couple of months, and I intend to stay as busy as possible and spend less time thinking about "us", where we've been, where we are headed, etc. The next couple of months will be very busy for him as he moves his office into their new, permanent space. He also wants to move out of the apartment and closer to his son, further away from NYC. His son and DIL are expecting a baby, so H will be a grandfather. This seems to have sparked something in him also.

I'm going to be kind to myself, stay busy, and try to keep contact with him minimal for now. Then I'll re-evaluate where I am as the attorney appointment gets closer. Stay on my side of the street, and try to enjoy every single day, right where I am.