MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Welcome to the MLC Forum. I see that Cadet has already provided you w/the homework for our MLC Forum. Please read the homework because each and every thread has some valuable info for you.

Being new to this forum, the homework has been a huge source of information. It almost makes my head spin, but has given me so many a-ha moments.

In the MLC world, depression is the main ingredient of MLC. Yes, aging and dying scare the living daylights out of them. When they enter MLC they need to go back to a time in their childhood whereby they were emotionally stunted by someone in authority, i.e., parent, teacher, relative, minister/priest, etc. So, what you are going to be dealing w/is a man/child, or should I say a teenager at some point.

Yes, H is an irresponsible teenager. I am really getting that full force right now.

What happened in the last 18-24 months? Yes, your MIL passing about back in 09 could have been a slight trigger, but something has happened more recently...birth/death of a child, promotion/demotion, health issues, changing jobs, etc.

H and FIL always had a contentious relationship. FIL is a Vietnam Vet and suffers from PTSD. H never felt like he lived up to FIL's expectations and FIL was an absentee parent, leaving much of the child-rearing up to MIL. H resented FIL for this and resented FIL's absence when MIL was dying and always prioritizing any veterans activities over family. Over the last 2 years H was seeing behavior in FIL that was affecting him quite a bit. FIL would choose to not spend time w/ H or family over attending a veterans event or just nothing in general. H began IC and anger mgmt classes and ultimately went to maybe 12 sessions over 1.5-2 years. Summer of '16 w/ IC, H decided to set "boundaries" for FIL's behavior and decided to distance himself. This went on for maybe 4-5 months. I came home one day to find FIL also unexpectedly pulling up at our house. FILs behavior was odd and H, finally came outside to say hello and also noticed behavior. After that point, H decided to work with SIL to convince FIL to see Dr. In Jan '17, FIL was diagnosed with dementia and I believe this is really when things started to take a turn for H. He says he's come to terms w/ never being able to resolve issues w/ FIL because he no longer has ability. When someone claims this too many times, you begin to feel like they're trying to convince themselves.

As for where he's at in MLC...sounds like he's just taking off in the replay arena. Keep in mind the stages are just a guideline to help you better understand the behavior better...but they aren't linear, and they could bounce back and forth in the stages for a long time. This is not a sprint...but a marathon.

In my younger years, I was a runner... in my older years, not sure how well I can go the distance and I'm only 2 months in.

You were deal w/MLC or WAS the same way...give them plenty of space to choke on, don't discuss relationship issues, keep your expectations at zero, and above all else....get your finances in order, i.e, new checking/savings account and credit cards (if they are currently joint).

We don't see one another and only text when he initiates. That is until I blocked him end of August. Today was mortgage due date and I had to pay. I will wait for the 22nd (10 year anniversary - ouch) and unblock him, then begin discussions on selling the house we just moved into end of April (double ouch). Luckily or not, we have maintained separate finances. I have begun to discover some 401k withdrawals I was unaware of.

Keep the focus on you and your family and dig deep for patience as this didn't happen over night...but gradually and it's going to take a while for him to face his issues, deal w/them and accept that there are things from his past that he will never be able to repair and that were not his fault.

I am really trying. I think I am doing a decent job of holding things together, but the loneliness is at times, palpable.

Keep posting...others will come along. I suggest that you visit the threads, both new and old because they all have valuable info.

Yes, I guess lost in reading some of the old posts because there is so much. Time marches on, but the stories remain the same. Thank you for your time in providing thoughts on my sitch.