Kaizen with the samurai sword (as opposed to the 2x4)!
Ha. I thought that it felt combative, and that isnt really my intent. I think a lot of what you are doing is pretty good. So, I wanted to focus on the areas where I thought you could use another perspective.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
I know I'm struggling with not defending myself, and not getting riled up by her cuts.
One phrase that really helped me understand validation is this:
"Her perception is her reality".
So if she is offended by something you say, then you cant see that she took it wrong. You cant say that she didnt understand right. etc. If she said she were hungry, you wouldnt say "you cant be hungry because you just ate!" You cant dictate what she is feeling. Even if you dont agree with it, if its what she perceives to be true, then to her, it is true.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
I feel like I'm dealing with MLC and in the LRT. In the LRT part of the book, the instructions are very simple, and I have been following them.
Why do you think you are in LRT? I think you should follow Sandi's rules, but I dont think you are anywhere near LRT at this point. To me, that sounds like flipping through the book to find the shortcut one-size-fits-all answer. Shes still living at home? Theres still a good amount of interaction between the two you. That doesnt seem like fall-off-the-planet LRT to me.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
Most of it is about what not to do. what you are to do is GAL. BUT I do think that maybe I need to try to DO something else. She would complain about me not doing things around the house, so I will do more of those things. I have been cleaning more often. And now when I do things with the kids, I just do them and don't bother with filling her in. My sights are on painting some walls, since that is just about the only handy thing I know how to do.
Here's the most useful exercise I did. Id instruct you to make 3 lists of 10. In the first list I want you to put in 10 things that you like about yourself. These could be things W pointed out, things you like, things other people like, whatever. In the second list, put in 10 things that you dont like. Or that you want to improve. These could be things your wife doesnt like (for example, not being an equal partner in household chores) or things that you dont really like. In the third, put 10 things that you admire in other men. What qualities do you notice that you are drawn to?
Then you can set goals in how to incorporate those 20 things in lists 2 and 3 into list 1. How will Kylo2.0 be different than Kylo? You mention some ways you are working on self-improvement and thats good. I think this will help you find some other areas you hadnt considered. I think this is a good bit about what goals you can set for yourself.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
I have a hard time coming up with any, but I will make a goal of having her stat a conversation with me that isn't for the purpose of information. I know this is a blah goal, but she has been perfectly capable of living in the same house and not saying a word to me.
Heres where I have some disagreement with what MWD talks about. This isnt really a goal. You have absolutely zero control about whether this happens. And if it doesnt, does that mean you failed? To me, this is a mile marker to help guide your journey, not a destination.
How about how you will treat her? How you will react to her? How you will parent? How you will improve? etc. THEN you can observe her for those behaviors like starting conversations, etc.
