I disagree. I think moving back in the marital home and standing for what you believe in (marriage, family, children) actually shows confidence.
How about W: After a lot of thinking, I am going to move back in the martial home to keep things as normal as possible for our children. I would love for you to stay and work on our marriage together. I am respecting your decision for time and space for you to figure things out and if you feel you need to move out for this to happen I completely understand.
I like the sounds of that. Now to decide when. Should I just do this right away, like today? Or maybe wait till after the weekend since we both made plans for this weekend. Well I'm assuming she has weekend plans.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
it'll be quick. All i have is a suitcase. I was just staying with some friends until an apartment opened up so pretty much everything of mine is still at home. Ive only been away 4 nights.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
A word of caution. She will be angry and probably call you every name in the book. Try to maintain eye contact and do not back down. Validate when possible. "I understand you are angry but I will not abandon my children and have them think I walked out on them"
Don....not an expert but from everything I have read when your S is in an affair you have to be tough and lay down the law, not just stick your head in the sand and go on your merry way. Most of the sitch's I have read, when someone is having an A, the LBS had to get very tough.
Move back home, go sleep in your bed (naked!), reclaim your throne. She cheats, she moves out and gets the apartment. When I find a thread that I enjoyed reading I book marked it. I saved this post as maybe it will be useful to you.
I made this post a while back, but I think it covers a lot of this so I will post it here :
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The problem is LH when someone starts an affair there are three roads they can take :
A. Pursue both the affair and maintain the marriage at subsistence level B. End the marriage and pursue the affair 100% C. End the affair and pursue the marriage 100%
Option B and C are painful... in both cases they have to give up something and make a commitment to something fully
Option A allows them to hold onto both relationsihps. Option A is the least painful, the most hurtful, the most destructive, and unfortunately the most desirable
Why would any addict want to give up anything when they can juggle both?
In most cases they don't want to and wont. They may show anger, they may move out, but they will continue to send text messages, call, or show up to "get some things I left behind" ... It's all a ruse to maintain a subsistence marriage and "check in" to keep the marriage barely breathing...
Right now he's choosing A because to an addict it makes sense...
If you sit with an alcoholic and offer them
A. Purusue drinking each night, and keep your family support B. Break with your friends and family and pursue alchohol 100% C. Break alcohol use and enjoy your supporting family 100%
Why would any alcohoic in their right mind choose anything other than A?
They won't.
They will chose the path of least resistance each time.. and the path of least resistance to them is the one that causes them the least amount of stress - having to make a choice for one and end the other is stressful... very stressful
So they maintain both... THey will mantain the marriage and try to keep up contact with the affair partner at a subsistence level, or they will move in iwth the affair partner and keep sending the odd text message to the LBS to maintain the marriage, etc. They don't want to make a choice.. choices are undesirable compared to juggling both options... Having to make a commitment to B or C only is too final, too painful, too grown up.
The advice I usually reccomend on this forum is to FORCE the addict to choose B or C by taking yourself OUT of the affair. You confront him one time and set clear boundaries :
a. End all contact b. Full transparency of cell phone use and PC use c. Transfer somewhere else or change jobs if OP is in workplace d. Family therapy for both of you at least once a week e. Do all necessary readings on building and repairing marriages f. A no contact letter written and signed by both of you and sent to OW etc
You may add to it, but you hit him with those terms and he has FIVE MINUTES to decide.
If he wont' you choose for him by packing his things and showing him the door.
Once he's out the door
a. You don't call him b. You don't text him c. You don't email him d. You dont' visit him e. You don't write him a letter f. You don't leave notes on his car g. You don't post anythign on your facebook about him
You force him to choose B or C by taking A away as an option.
YOu can't force him to choose C my dear, but you CAN force make A not an option anymore by exiting yourself from his lifestyle until he chooses a healthier one for the two of you
That in a nutshell is my advice.
I DO reccomend you tell friends and family your position and ask them to press himt o return home and agree to return to FT, etc... But I strongly reccomend that you exit yourself from his life if he refuses the confrontation.. You don't give him a week to choose, you give him five minutes and you watch him the whole time.. he does NOT call her to chat or make up his mind.. he sits there and chooses no calls no talking to OW
It's a confrontation NOT a negotiation... You give him one choice, and he either takes it or he leaves
If he refuses to choose you tell him his choice is leaving... And you start packing his things FOR HIM
Don't ask him to do it and walk away.... YOU do it so he KNOWS you mean business ...
THe HARDER and FIRMER you ARE on this the more SERIOUS he will take you..
If you waffle and cry and backpeddal even an INCH he will exploit that a mile...
You hit him hard and firm and fast and send him to teh door if he won't commit there and then
Another thing that concerns me is all the confusion I keep leaving her with by going back and forth on my plans. I mean I want to implement this and stick with it but man have I wavered a lot lately and each time it just seems to wear us down more. I mean after I asked for a Divorce on Friday and moved out I then on Tuesday asked to forget the Divorce and give it more time because the family is worth at least a chance! I then asked for just seperation instead of a divorce to think things over more. She agreed. Now Im going to move back in. Can that still be a seperation? I've made a lot of profound statements in a short amount of time.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
Another thing that concerns me is all the confusion I keep leaving her with by going back and forth on my plans. I mean I want to implement this and stick with it but man have I wavered a lot lately and each time it just seems to wear us down more. I mean after I asked for a Divorce on Friday and moved out I then on Tuesday asked to forget the Divorce and give it more time because the family is worth at least a chance! I then asked for just seperation instead of a divorce to think things over more. She agreed. Now Im going to move back in. Can that still be a seperation? I've made a lot of profound statements in a short amount of time.
It's expected to make erratic decisions when you're under this emotional stress. I'm sure most of us on this forum did things and said things we regret.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Another thing that concerns me is all the confusion I keep leaving her with by going back and forth on my plans. I mean I want to implement this and stick with it but man have I wavered a lot lately and each time it just seems to wear us down more. I mean after I asked for a Divorce on Friday and moved out I then on Tuesday asked to forget the Divorce and give it more time because the family is worth at least a chance! I then asked for just seperation instead of a divorce to think things over more. She agreed. Now Im going to move back in. Can that still be a seperation? I've made a lot of profound statements in a short amount of time.
You are quite right, you've sent her a lot of mixed signals and I'm sure she's sick and tired of it. So talk to her about it. Tell her "W, I'm sorry I've sent you so many mixed signals lately but I had no idea you were so unhappy and never thought you would want to break up our marriage. It came as quite a jolt and I think may have even put me into a state of shock. I apologize for that, but I'm starting to think more clearly now. I can see it was a mistake for me to leave the house, this is our home and if you want out of the marriage you are going to have to be the one to leave. I would prefer that you stay and work on the M, but if you decide that leaving is what you want then I will support your decision. But I am not leaving."
It doesn't have to be those exact words but I think you get the idea. Make DB'ing your game plan moving forward and stick to it and be consistent. Don't worry too much about what your W thinks right now, like LH said she could very well get angry that you've moved back in. But legally you are within your rights, and morally as well. And she is going to get angry and frustrated with you no matter what. When you DB, the WAS HATES it. They want you to just go away. They don't want you there, they don't want you to change, they don't want you to get a life. So just be ready because she will probably not take kindly to anything you do for quite a while. It's a marathon, settle in for it!
