Seriously, have you ever let your emotions and feeling and rage out with your w?
Or do you always keep it together in her presence?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I've never really raged in front of my W. That's not my MO. I'm more of a passive aggressive type. Most of my comments are sarcastic and disguised as humor. Typical traits of nice guy syndrome. I try very hard to keep this to a minimum these days, but sometimes it's automatic and then I end up agonizing over my words for the rest of the day.
Sometimes I think that had a shown genuine anger a few times during our marriage, things might be different now.
There were a couple times over the last year when I lashed out a bit and said things like, "I can't WAIT for this to be over!" but in my defense, this was prompted by my W telling me (through gritted teeth) that she wanted to punch me, throw something at me, or make my life a living hell. One time she dumped a whole basket of folded laundry on my head! It's funny as I type it now, and had our relationship been different, dumping the laundry on my head would have probably been a good tension breaker. But at the time it was just disrespectful. I know I'm supposed to be stoic in these situations, but I couldn't.
But I digress. The short answer is that I try very hard to keep my cool. But to the detriment of my own stress levels. I know I can't rage on her, but I typically don't rage at all and I need to find an outlet for it.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
If you haven't already done research "charge neutral" a technique taught by Dr Bob Huizenga it should help with those tough conversations and alleviate the tension.
Be good.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Had to do a bunch of digital housekeeping today and ran across a few old emails from my W. Lot's of eCards and messages like "I love you soooooo much. Can't wait to see you. I'm so happy to have you in my life.."
Yes, I know. People change and I shouldn't dwell on this. But it stings when you run into it by accident.
The one thing I have to be thankful for is that she isn't trying to screw me with this divorce. As of yesterday, we were still in agreement to sit down and work out the details of the asset division on our own. She isn't asking for spousal support, just child support. And she's walking away from the house entirely. We'll work out a buyout number based on the value of the house (which isn't much considering it's worth less than we paid for it) and then it just boils down to what she takes out of the house to furnish her new place.
It still bugs the $hit out of me that she'd rather go through all of this hassle and have to face the kids to tell them that she's moving out than try to work things out with me. I'm really not that bad of a guy. And now looking through all those emails and declarations of undying love it's hard to believe that this is the way she wants it to end.
Amateur psychologist moment: My wife has a track record for running away when things get emotionally difficult. She did it with her first husband, several jobs, her dying mother, and her family. It's a coping mechanism that she developed very young watching her mom take the same approach with relationships. This doesn't make me feel any better, but sometimes it gives me solace to think that I'm not entirely responsible for this mess and/or that there wasn't anything I could have done differently...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Detachment practice today. Taking S8 to the beach today to go bodyboarding. D5 does not want to go and would prefer to spend the day with my mom. I'm struggling with the guilt of not spending the day with both of them. But I'm realizing that this guilt is really a distraction from the real problem which is that I'm worried about what my W would say/think about this. I know that it doesn't matter, and frankly it should have never mattered even when we were happily married. But it always did. Another symptom of nice guy syndrome, worrying about what everyone else thinks and not wanting to make anyone mad. Needless to say I haven't changed my plans and D5 is excited to hang with grandma today!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Good work recognizing where the guilt came from. I think one on one time with the kids is valuable. They seem to open up in a new way without the sibling around, and you get to see more of the true child. I wouldn't feel guilty at all.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Great weekend with the kids until yesterday afternoon rolled around, and I could really use some advice from the vets...
My W does not work on Sunday and our current plan dictates that she always has the kids on Sunday night. I play guitar in a weekly blues jam in Philly and it's the GAL highlight of my week. So yesterday she calls me to say that she just got a last minute job request from a high-profile client and she wouldn't be home until 9. So I agreed to stay home with the kids and forfeit the blues jam.
After hanging up the phone I was resentful about "the position she put me in" and I thought about talking to her about it today. My initial thought process went as follows: My W put me in a situation where I couldn't say no. She knows that I will opt to spend as much time with my kids and in my home as I can (I've told her this). But it's also true (although I don't know if she realizes this) that I continue to walk on egg-shells so that our divorce process remains as amicable and drama free as possible. So my attached, nice-guy personality decides that it was wrong for her to ask me to stay. That she should have realized that how hard it would be for me to say no and turned down the job without mentioning it to me.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is total bull$hit. If I had a pair of ba11s I would have said, "Sorry, I have plans. I need you to be home by 4." My kids wouldn't have loved me any less and sure my W would have probably been pi$$ed, but so what, right? My nice-guy resentment puts all the onus on her for my happiness. This has always been the problem in our relationship.
So now that the moment has passed and I chose to stay home so that she could work, I think it's best to just let it go and decide to react differently next time. Thoughts?
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
I think you not changing your plans based on her last-minute changes would have been better. This is the reality of a separation - you have to figure out your work/life balance without counting on the LBS.
She took that client because she knew that you'd probably cover for her.
I am all for spending extra time with the kids and would love more, but not at the expense of my W not meeting her responsibilities.
Your W needs to realize she can't just take last minute clients now and that the kids schedule comes first. If that hurts her paycheck, too bad - this is the reality now.
I can see this as okay if you also need her to spot you at times. If that's not the case, then don't let her change up her schedule around at your expense.
My W does not work on Sunday and our current plan dictates that she always has the kids on Sunday night. I play guitar in a weekly blues jam in Philly and it's the GAL highlight of my week. So yesterday she calls me to say that she just got a last minute job request from a high-profile client and she wouldn't be home until 9. So I agreed to stay home with the kids and forfeit the blues jam
Where the kids already with you? Has she ever done this before? Is it a pattern or 1 time event?
Quote:
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is total bull$hit. If I had a pair of ba11s I would have said, "Sorry, I have plans. I need you to be home by 4." My kids wouldn't have loved me any less and sure my W would have probably been pi$$ed, but so what, right? My nice-guy resentment puts all the onus on her for my happiness. This has always been the problem in our relationship.
I would have done the same thing but IMO it is about balance. I think women want a guy that can be both and you know for a fact that the only reason you are analyzing this is because of the situation you are in. I am sure you have displayed to her that you are not always a NG over the course of the past few months.
Is it BS....yep. But what options do you have?
So play this out. I always try to think like 2 or 3 steps ahead and look for potential outcomes. You say "sorry I need you home by 4, I got plans". She says "sorry not going to happen I am taking this client". What is your next move??
