separation...is there hope?

[joejoe1]

Yes there is a chance. It's going to be a long road to travel for both of you.

[Rose888]

First, I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting.

But you asked for advice and harsh truth.

I see a lot about how much your h loved you, but I don't see much at all about how you showed love for him.

Instead, your story has a lot of really unpleasant behavior from you. You don't sound like an easy person to live with. And over and over, you say you shouldn't have done this or that, but "I couldn't help it."

You're going to have to learn to help it.

Maybe there are important details you aren't sharing that would change the picture, but I can only know what you share here.

I suggest seeing an individual counselor to help you work through things like learning to be more emotionally self-sufficient. The good news is, it sounds like there are a lot of things you can change on your end, which means there is hope.

[marie21]

I see a lot about how much your h loved you, but I don't see much at all about how you showed love for him.

I really do love my H. Yes I wasn't as demonstrative as he was but I would show him and tell him.

Instead, your story has a lot of really unpleasant behavior from you. You don't sound like an easy person to live with. And over and over, you say you shouldn't have done this or that, but "I couldn't help it."

It's true that I am not an easy person to live with but I am also giving you the worst part of me. I couldn't help to beg and plead because I am desperate to get him back.

Maybe there are important details you aren't sharing that would change the picture, but I can only know what you share here.

What kind of details? If you are thinking of something you can ask, I'm an open book.

[marie21]

^

[Rose888]

If he came back, how would your marriage be different? How would you be different?

[marie21]

If he came back, how would your marriage be different? How would you be different?

If my H came back and I really do hope he comes back, I would first start by giving him confidance in himself. He said that what he did wasn't acknowledge and wasn't enough. I would let he know that he is more than enough, he is perfert for me. I would listen to him more and not always focus on my needs. I would stop being mad at the little stuff. I would give him more affection and not push him away when he initiate physical intimacy.

That's what I can think of right now, I know I have other things to work on.

The problem now is to get him to talk to me and to not hold a grudge againt me. That is where I need help.

[Rose888]

If he came back, how would your marriage be different? How would you be different?

If my H came back and I really do hope he comes back, I would first start by giving him confidance in himself. He said that what he did wasn't acknowledge and wasn't enough. I would let he know that he is more than enough, he is perfert for me. I would listen to him more and not always focus on my needs. I would stop being mad at the little stuff. I would give him more affection and not push him away when he initiate physical intimacy.

That's what I can think of right now, I know I have other things to work on.

The problem now is to get him to talk to me and to not hold a grudge againt me. That is where I need help.

I don't think that's the problem you need to focus on. You want to show that you listen and that you can put his needs ahead of yours. Right now, he needs and wants space.

I think you should put your energy into meeting with a counselor so that you can make the changes you want to make. You need to learn to live with uncertainty without pressuring him, and you need to learn to be more emotionally self-sufficient. A counselor can help you with both of those.

Then, when he's ready to spend talk, you will be able to make the changes you want to make.

[LiM]

Marie,


You need to read The 5 Love Languages. It sounds like you were not speaking to him in his love language. I highly recommend you do that.

But I'll also echo what Rose is saying to you. You've got to spend this time working on YOU. Not to win him back but you need to make changes in your life to make YOU a better person and you have to do this for YOU. Make these changes because you sincerely want to be a better person in all your relationships in life. If you only make changes to win him back, he will see right through them. But if you sincerely make these changes because YOU want to be a better person, it will work. He will see the changes.

Right now, let him go. Give him the space he wants and focus 100% on yourself. THIS is how you get him back.

[AnotherStander]

My H He apologized for the morning fight and started to scream, beg, plead, went on his knees for me to go to the activites. He knew that if I didn't go I would blame him and resent him so he did everything to make me go.

It sounds like there's a lot more history here than you're delving into. WHY did he think you would blame him and resent him? It's happened a lot of other times, hasn't it?

I finally decided to go but ignored him throuhout the activity. We made up that night and everything seemed fine.

I sense that this has been a repeating pattern throughout your marriage? If so, that is very, very damaging. I'm not surprised he finally gave up on the M.

The week after coming back from our vacation he made a romantic diner and gave me a beautifully written card. He said that he knew that his love for me didn't show as much, but it was still very much there and he was willing to do anything to show me. He said I was his angle, his queen, his princess, his goddess...

Sounds like he was working very hard on the M, what were you doing in return? If little or nothing, that would explain him reaching his breaking point. He probably felt like he was putting a ton of effort in and getting nothing from you in return.

I tried to give him some space and not talk for a few days.

No, that's not giving him space. It needs to be for months.

He said that fight in Costa Rica really traumatized him and hurt him deeply. He said because of me he has no selfesteem, he doesn't like himself and doesn't want his life anymore.

How did you respond to him? Read the sticky thread on validation, that should be how you respond when he says these things.

I got super mad, begged and pleaded again, without succes.

Yeah that never works. It just makes you look desperate and pathetic, which is NOT attractive. You've got to pull back and give him time and space. Quit pursuing. Quit checking up on him. Quit talking to friends and family.

On august 25th, it was our wedding anniversary, the one we were supposed to renew our vows on. I decided to ask him out for diner, he said yes without hesitation.

You've got to stop doing this. It's full-blown pursuit, and it's just making things worse.

I asked if we could write eachother 3 things we liked about our mariage, he said he agreed.

Oh man! Hopefully you know not to do this stuff anymore. No R talks, no M talks, no future talks. Read Sandi's rules and live by them!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2230603

I asked him then if its over between us, why hasn't he done anything about it (like selling the house, asking for divorce, separation our bank accounts and joint credit card). He said ok then I will call a realtor.

And he will. If you can pull back and remove all pressure, he'll likely put it all on the back burner. But if you keep pressuring him he WILL proceed with this.

So here I am, we haven't talk since then. I know I did all the wrong things... Is there still hope for my H and I to reconcile? I need help and the harsh truth.

There's always hope, but you've done a lot of really damaging things. You've got to stop that all, and you have got to be super patient because it will take many months or even a year or more to possibly turn things around. This didn't happen overnight and it's not going to be fixed overnight. Read DR, hire a DB coach if you can.

i forgot to say that when my H said it was over and that he would take action towards our separation like calling a realtor, he stil hasn't done anything.

Could it be that he is still unsure about ending our marriage even though he said it was over?

No, at this point he's sure he wants to proceed. If you can stop with the pressure then he may drop it though. But if you keep asking him to do something he will.

Then what should I do? I want him to come back to us and work on our marriage.

That is what YOU want. That is not what HE wants. What he wants is time and space to decide what he wants to do, and all you can do is give it to him because you will NOT get what you want anytime soon.

The hard part is detaching. I will try to create mystey but I feel like he doesn't even think about me and our marriage. He already said he doesn't really think about me. Should I believe it? Do you guys think he thinks about our M. ?

Right now when he thinks about you and the M, he just thinks about all the bad things. That's why you need to back off, because any pressure you apply just makes it worse. Leave him alone and eventually he'll remember the M had good things too. He's got to learn to miss you, and when you are always there, always dropping by and asking him out and going to his games and such he will NEVER miss you.

I know I shouldn't mind read but I can't help it, I still don't understand why H left.

It was probably the fighting. He told you that's what it was, and I have personally been through that with a GF as well. We had a wonderful R most of the time, but she had a fiery temper and would start huge fights over nothing and be very resentful for days afterwards. I finally told her I just couldn't take it anymore, and like you, she couldn't believe that I wanted to break up over it because to her it was no big deal. But to me it was a HUGE deal, I couldn't concentrate at work, I couldn't sleep well, etc. The fights were traumatic to me. And they probably were to your H as well. Are you going to IC? If not you should. I get the impression that you don't realize your anger issues are a problem.

You should not be trying to get him back at all right now. You need to dig deep into how you drove him away and work on those things. Like I said above I think IC would be beneficial to you. Remove all the pressure from him and give him time and space while you work on yourself. In the meantime don't call or text or try to see him. If he contacts you it's OK to respond, but don't initiate contact. Read the book and keep posting!

[marie21]

Thank you AnotherStander!

When H and I would fight, I would blame him and he would take it and not call me out on my nonsense. It only happened a few times before. My H is very bad at communicating and almost never told me when something was wrong.

I know I have my faults but he never really voiced the problems in the M. He repeated that it was that fight on vacation that he couldn't stop thinking about and made him not want to be with me anymore. I did also work on the M, not as much as I should've but I'm writing the things I did wrong so you can have a better understanding.

I am working on myself. I admit that when I get mad I get mad for a couple of hours. We didn't fight that much unlike what you all seem to think. I find it just very hard to detach because we used to be always together. I think I've done some progress but I know there's along way to go.

Anyways I found out today that H and OW are in a PA. I was GAL for a week now without talking to H but now I am devastated. He doesn't seem to be having any remorse and any thoughts about me and our M....