You did not hijack! you sympathized. And I am sorry you are in the position to sympathize with me. I understand exactly what you mean. NO matter how many years out we are from all of this, we continue to do work, the people who left us are still the same and they get what they want. We don't even want them to fail or be unhappy. It's about US now and how we deserve what we work hard for. I read your recent posts and I can feel your eagerness with college guy. Your eagerness comes from true love, not desperation. I do believe that what is meant for us will not miss us.
Juju,
It's not him I want or what they have that I feel is unfair I didn't get. The best part of her M with my ex is my daughter. I don't want their life. I had their life. I realized yesterday, on my D10's bday that despite all I've been through these past 10 years, they have truly been the best 10 years of my life, because in those 10 years I have been my D's mom. Easy or hard, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Zues,
Thank you for your condolences. Our kids never met and I haven't actually seen her in many years, but as a parent, I could imagine for her the hardest part of dying was leaving her babies. It breaks my heart to think about it.
I read your update and I think you described it. I feel like a ghost. A deeply feeling ghost, but nonetheless a ghost. Like I am hovering above my life and looking at it from the outside sometimes if that makes any sense.
I had my IC session. I did tell her emotionally I was still doing pretty poor. She told me every way I felt was expected. She understood my feelings of isolation. I have been feeling very isolated, and that is a bad feeling. I don't have my outlets either which is contributing to the isolation. Zues's happy place is shooting pool. Mine is exercising. Breathless exercise. She recognized the past few months have been a series of things that are just punches to the gut. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her unsettled. I just don't feel settled or in a safe place. It's a crappy feeling.
A good feeling was my D10 turning 10. She had a very nice day, I surprised her with a chocolate chip muffin with a candle for breakfast. Her dad and I took her to dinner. He wasn't remembering the restaurant we were going to and when I described it, he said "Oh yeah, you and I used to go there all the time" We did, but I wasn't going to remind him of that. We were waiting for our table and D10 went to the bathroom and watched her walk away with her sassy little walk and we look at each other and said "wow, she's really growing up. She really is.
I volunteered yesterday and I was walking up the stairs outside to the nursing home. One at a time of course. A cute cop is parked outside and sees me and asks if I need help up the stars. I said "I'm fine, thank you". Kicked myself in the butt for that one, could have been a great opportunity!
I went back to work today. it was great to see everyone. I forgot all my passwords, but luckily I remembered how to do my job, lol. By 1pm My leg was swollen from knee to foot and I was really uncomfortable. I iced it and elevated it on my garbage can, but I am going to have to do more. I went to PT and it was really tough today, but when I got it moving it felt much better. I had my all the PT's cracking up tonight, especially mine, over my cadaver ligament. It's a long story and I'll spare you, but hey, at least I can still make people laugh.
FF's sister hasn't liked any of my posts in a long time, but she liked my D10's birthday post. I got tempted to look at her page, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My IC says it's perfectly fine if I avoid the hurt. I feel weak because it would still hurt me, but she reminded me that I can avoid the pain and that is not weak.
I just don't want to feel like a ghost anymore. I want to feel alive. My IC thinks I am an incredibly well coping strong individual. I read what I write here and I sound like a depressed mess. But I function well, and I guess that's what counts.
Saturday ex can't make it to the game and I am glad. Sunday, me my dad, stepmother, D10 and her bestie are going to the Sugar Factory in NYC for her birthday gift. I am excited and so is she. Look it up. I'm going to need insulin, lol.
Again, if you made it to the end, I congratulate you.
