It's probably just part of the roller coaster. Your too early in to be detached completely.
You're probably right but having gone through this already with her last year, it just feels different this time. I already accepted that my M was most likely over so I'm hoping the acceptance will be easier the second time around.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
I think this is a good sign. Having that weight removed from you can free up your mental energy for better things.
Yes Sir.. I can't say that I have detached but I know this is out of my control and that my S and myself are going to be just fine either way. I've also been following your thread and although I don't believe I can offer any advice at this point, I'm hoping it starts to get better for you soon.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Yes Sir.. I can't say that I have detached but I know this is out of my control and that my S and myself are going to be just fine either way.
Good. AS recently said that detachment is basically a process, not a step. So starting to feel maybe a little detached is a good start.
Originally Posted By: lostrig
I've also been following your thread and although I don't believe I can offer any advice at this point, I'm hoping it starts to get better for you soon.
Thanks!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I've posted that I have accepted that my MR may be at the end. Iv'e taken a lot of steps to line up my future and career these past few weeks and I guess my W has taken notice. She has been texting and calling me more often the last few days. Now most of what she has been communicating is about the D but it feels like she is temp checking to see where I'm at with everything. Almost as if she is throwing it out there just to get a response from me. I woke up to a text she sent me last night after I had gone to sleep that she was "blown away" by how excited I seemed to be leaving our team and starting with a new team.
W came home this morning and told me she was sorry for all of the negative comments she has been making towards me. She continued by telling me of all my great qualities at the same time she was diminishing herself and her own worth. At one point she teared up and almost cried. Most of what she was saying was that she never felt loved by me and I was only in the marriage because I was afraid to leave her and my S. All I could do was validate while this conversation was happening but it took all my strength to not want to reach out and comfort her. I actually felt like she wanted me too. I really don't know what to make of it but for the first time she actually showed some emotion over this.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
During this time the business had become priority #1 and we really lost any connection we had. We were so busy we didn’t spend hardly any time at all together.
Divorce threat #2
Originally Posted By: lostrig
I didn’t want to make the same mistake so I went full steam into the business. I worked harder this past year than I have in my life.
Im sorry, but I dont understand. It looks like after you 'reconnected', it went back to same old, same old?
What is different about you now than from before Divorce threat #1?
What kinds of goals do you have about how you want to be different in the future?
During this time the business had become priority #1 and we really lost any connection we had. We were so busy we didn’t spend hardly any time at all together.
Divorce threat #2
Originally Posted By: lostrig
I didn’t want to make the same mistake so I went full steam into the business. I worked harder this past year than I have in my life.
Im sorry, but I dont understand. It looks like after you 'reconnected', it went back to same old, same old?
What is different about you now than from before Divorce threat #1?
What kinds of goals do you have about how you want to be different in the future?
Divorce Threat #1 She felt that I could have been putting more into the business. Coming from a job that consumed my life I was trying to find a work/life balance.
Divorce Threat #2 After the reconciliation I gave everything to the business. I was working weekends, late night, early mornings and holidays.
Her biggest complaint previously was that I could have been applying more of myself to growing the business. My goal at that time was to show my W that I could and would give all I had to take more of the load with the corporation which is exactly what I did this past year.
Personally I feel like right now as a goal I do need to find more of a work/life balance but that is what started the original BD to begin with.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Divorce Threat #1 She felt that I could have been putting more into the business. Coming from a job that consumed my life I was trying to find a work/life balance.
Divorce Threat #2 After the reconciliation I gave everything to the business. I was working weekends, late night, early mornings and holidays.
Maybe Im misunderstanding, but at BD1, the big issue you point out was a lack of connection between you. Then you spent some time last year working on rebuilding that. And now since moving back in until BD2, that connection you worked to regain was gone.
So what was the period of time like while you were separated? What was THAT GUY like that drew her back? How do you (now) compare with him?
So what was the period of time like while you were separated? What was THAT GUY like that drew her back? How do you (now) compare with him?
This is a really good question that has me thinking. THAT GUY was definitely more loving and attentive. THAT GUY would spend time talking about the future and goal setting over a cup of coffee in the morning. THAT GUY was much more affectionate and would say I love you often and give long hugs before leaving for the day.
I guess the only change I was able to maintain was my involvement with the business.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
THAT GUY was definitely more loving and attentive. THAT GUY would spend time talking about the future and goal setting over a cup of coffee in the morning. THAT GUY was much more affectionate and would say I love you often and give long hugs before leaving for the day.
Unfortunately, now isnt really the time to start doing those things to W. But I think it's time you get back to being that guy in general. What was he like during the separation? What enticed her to want to consider reconciling?
How can you help to ingreate those qualities into your permanent persona and not just as a 'trick' to 'win her back'?
