I am new here so I am thanking you in advance for guiding me through this.
So here it goes...
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together 9. We've know eachother since elementary school but weren't friends. When we started seeing eachother, everything went really fast. We were 22 and still living at home. Our parents houses were 5 streets away from eachother. By age 24 we had already bought a house together. Everything was great, we loved eachother like I have never seen. I said it was love at fisrt sight for him and couldn't believe how lucky he was to be with me. Throughout the years our relationship was great and he kept telling me that I was his life and everything he did was for me. I have never seen anyone love someone that much.
A couple years ago, the routine of life started to set in and our relationship started to show signs that it was as happy as before. I started asking me H to show me more affection and attention. He would do it a bit, but it wasn't enough for me and he started to resent me for asking to much. We had small fights here and there and he always took the blame and apologized. I never thought I was in the wrong as he always said it was his fault. I was sometimes mean during our fights as he would always be kind and respectful.
At the begining of 2017 we talked about starting a family at the end of the year. In march 2017 we had a 2 week vacation in Costa Rica. It was amazing but in the middle of the second week, we had a huge fight. I was mad at him and ignored him all morning. We had an activity in the afternoon that I was really looking forward to. I was so mad that I didn't want to go anymore. My H He apologized for the morning fight and started to scream, beg, plead, went on his knees for me to go to the activites. He knew that if I didn't go I would blame him and resent him so he did everything to make me go. He is not that kind of person, he never raises his voice and is super calm. I finally decided to go but ignored him throuhout the activity. We made up that night and everything seemed fine.
Still on our vacation, 2 days after, we had an other big fight. He again apologize saying it was his fault and would do anything to make it up to me. The followng night was amazing we talk about us and both decided to make more real time with eachother. He would complain a bit that I spend to much time on my cellphone and watching TV. I promised him I would pay more attention to him and get out more of the house even if its just a small walk. The next morning he proposed and asked to renew our vows as our 5 year anniversary was coming in august.
The week after coming back from our vacation he made a romantic diner and gave me a beautifully written card. He said that he knew that his love for me didn't show as much, but it was still very much there and he was willing to do anything to show me. He said I was his angle, his queen, his princess, his goddess...
A few day after, I started to notice something wrong, he was detaching from me. The week after, he told me that since coming back from our vacation he starting thinking about our fights in Costa Rica and he didn't feel good at all. He said he was ashamed that he had to beg me and felt like a dog. I said that whatever he did it wasn't enough. He said I was never satisfied with him. I told him I didn't know he felt that way. We cried and he said he needed some time to think. I tried to give him time, but I coulndn't. I started to beg and plead for him to give me a chance.
The couple months following, he would stay at his parents house for the weekends. Some days he was nice but most days he would ignore me or be very distant. I would try to initiate talks about us, but it would always backfire. I would beg, plead for him to come back and start to work on our mariage. He would shut down and tell me things like he didn't thnik he saw a future with me anymore. I also caught him with an OW at the movies, they were holding hands. I confronted him and he said it was nothing. He was talking to her about our mariage because he had no one to talk to. He said it was a mistake and promised not to see or talk to her again.
Some days I would see some progress, he would ask me to do something or would accept my invitations. Almost everytime, I asked reassurance about our mariage, I couldn't help myself. I don't like not knowing what is happening and I am a bit controling. Everytime I did this it would turn into me pleading and begging again.
In early july he said he was leaving again for the weekend. I said if you leave again, you are not coming back. We talked for hours, he looked unsure as he asked me what I wanted. At the end of the day, I said I was going to get something to eat, he asked if he could come. I said yes and asked if he decided to stay home. He then changed his mind completely and said it would be too awkward and wanted to leave for good. I then said that if it was his choice to leave to take everything so he wouldn't have to come back. When I got home a couple hours late, almost all his things were gone... I know it backfired.
Since he's been gone, we saw eachother 1-2 a week and talked on most days. I tried to give him some space and not talk for a few days. Everytime we saw eachother it was the same thing over and over again. He told me he didn't want to be married anymore and didn't see a future with me. He said that fight in Costa Rica really traumatized him and hurt him deeply. He said because of me he has no selfesteem, he doesn't like himself and doesn't want his life anymore. He would also give me false hope. When these conversations happend, he would say that he would think about it. He once also said he would try to work on our mariage. Later I he would tell me that he only said that so I would stop talking and let him go.
Mid august he came to the house with a contract about how to devide our assets as we have a house and all our money is joint. I got super mad, begged and pleaded again, without succes.
On august 25th, it was our wedding anniversary, the one we were supposed to renew our vows on. I decided to ask him out for diner, he said yes without hesitation. The night was great and we talked about us a bit without me begging. I found out that the folowing night he had gone out to the movies with the OW. He saw her a few times here and there for the past months. He said it was nothing just a friend and he never did anything physical with her.
On august 27th, I wanted to see my H to talk about us, the OW and the contract he had written. We talked for hours, I did all the wrong things again. He told me he had kiss the OW, I was so mad. I asked him then why the day before he wanted to celabrate our wedding aniversay if he was seeing the OW the next day. He said it was and important day for him also and that our wedding day was the most beautiful day of his life. I calmed down and by the end of the day, he said he still wanted us to sell our house and separate our things but would be open to start over and go on dates. I asked if we could write eachother 3 things we liked about our mariage, he said he agreed.
On august 29th, we talked on the phone because I had questions about our bank accounts. We talk for about 40 minutes and it was nice, no fight. I said I would send him my 3 things soon and he said the same. The next day I sent him mine without any response.
I was on vacation since we were supposed to make a trip to renew our vows. I was so sad and didn't want to spend 2 weeks alone so I decided to book a 1 week trip with my mom. We left on august 31. I didn't really look at my phone throughout the week as I wanted to enjoy myself and really think about what I wanted.
We hadn't talk since august 29th and on september 3rd he send me his 3 things, written by hand and he took a picture of it. It said how he liked the nicknames I gave him. He loved that we started fast our relationship. And he love to see me in my passions. I didn't anwser. On september 6th, he wrote me hi, how are you? you said you wanted to talk about the letter and our bank accounts, so tell me when you want to talk. (I don't really know what he was talking about the letter and we had talked about our bank accounts the week before). I only anwsers the following night saying I had to be evacuated from our trip and that I would talk to him the following day. I said he didn't know I was gone and told me safe trip.
The following day he send me a text asking if I landed safely. I answer and asked if he wanted to go to diner to talk about the letter and bank accounts. He said he couldn't he had a happy hour with his work, so maybe next week. I asked to see him after he said no. You think I would understand but no. I harassed him and waited for him at his parents house. I asked where he was and with who, if said he left his work friend 2hours before. He said it was none of my business. I said it was as we are married. He got very mad and said there was no more us, he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me. He finaly said he went to a bar with a work buddy. I asked about the OW. He said he never did anything physical with her, he swore. He said the only reason he said he kissed her the other day was so I would get mad and leave him. Anyway I don't think I believe him, I'm sure he has been physical with her. I asked him then if its over between us, why hasn't he done anything about it (like selling the house, asking for divorce, separation our bank accounts and joint credit card). He said ok then I will call a realtor.
The next day, he was playing in a soccer tournament. Throughtout our relationship I went to his every game. I asked to come, I didn't seem to want to see me there but said come if you want to. So on september 9th I met him at the tournament. We talk a bit about anything and it was nice. His father came and when he saw me, he had a big smile and gave me kisses (he never did that). I felt he was really happy to see me. My H told me thoughtout our separation that his father asks him sometime about us and hopes we work it out. My H hasn't told he to whole situation though. He didn't tell his father that he wanted to not be married to me anymore, just that it isn't going well.
We talk through text that night and I asked him if it was ok for me to go to the second day of his tournament. He said he would rather not. So I said Ok I wont go. I found out that after the tournament he went to the botanical gardens with someone, probable OW. I am pretty sure he is still seeing her.
So here I am, we haven't talk since then. I know I did all the wrong things... Is there still hope for my H and I to reconcile? I need help and the harsh truth.
sorry for the mistakes, english is not my firdt language.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
i forgot to say that when my H said it was over and that he would take action towards our separation like calling a realtor, he stil hasn't done anything.
Could it be that he is still unsure about ending our marriage even though he said it was over?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
i forgot to say that when my H said it was over and that he would take action towards our separation like calling a realtor, he stil hasn't done anything.
Could it be that he is still unsure about ending our marriage even though he said it was over?
More likely he is too depressed to DO almost anything. That is part of the script.
I am reading DR. H won't know about since we don't live together anymore and hardly ever talk. I feel like the book is less for spouses who are separated...
i forgot to say that when my H said it was over and that he would take action towards our separation like calling a realtor, he stil hasn't done anything.
Could it be that he is still unsure about ending our marriage even though he said it was over?
More likely he is too depressed to DO almost anything. That is part of the script.
I thought at first that he was depressed but now it seems he is going out more and seeing OW. I feel like he doesn't even think about me and us...
