Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[PsySara]

Well I'm done, I've called some divorce lawyers and will be scheduling consults. We got in a big fight when I awoke from a nightmare and I woke him up. Previously he told me to wake him and we could talk about whatever. Well this proved wrong. First he went to the bathroom for at least 10 minutes then moped around the kitchen. Then he sat down and I started out by telling him I am so angry, I am angry that he swore he never cheated with his hand on the Qu'ran. He interrupted and said, "I know, I know, I've heard this a dozen times." At that point I exploded, I told him it was amazing that here we are 2 years later and he has not changed one bit from the guy who cheated on me. No empathy or remorse, just irritation and defensiveness. At that point he stonewalled me like usual so I basically went off and poured out my venom.

Since then we haven't talked. Today he came home late with no explanation while I fed the kids dinner and started their baths. I look around and he left again without letting me know. Then he came back 40 mins later and while I was cleaning the toy room. When I came out the baby was missing and I almost crapped myself. He decided to take him out to talk to the neighbors without letting me know.

I.
AM.
DONE.

I am done with this passive aggressive BS, I am done with his stonewalling and then retracting from the family leaving me to do all the adulting. I am done with his criticisms of my clothes, hair, weight (I weigh 115 pounds BTW and 5'1, meanwhile he is at least 20 lbs overweight) my smiles lines aka wrinkles, and my anger. I am done with his immaturity, his sulks, his stone walls, his inability to hold any conversation of any depth for more than 30 seconds. I am done.

I gain nothing from him being here but suffer greatly. My IC told me she couldn't even do EMDR therapy on me because I was basically getting re-traumatized repeatedly by living in the house with a remorseless "offender." So his presence continues to do damage to me and he doesn't give one d@mn. So I failed at DBing my friends, I cannot endure the marathon anymore. I am fatigued and demoralized. I choose divorce. I already called and left VMs with some of the top rated attorneys in the city and will be scheduling consults. I just need him away from me. I need him to go live somewhere else and let me heal, because my healing and ability to detach is almost impossible with a remorseless a-hole living in my home. I'm sorry my friends.

[Rose888]

You don't owe anyone an apology, least of all us.

I don't think I could have put up with your H for as long as you have.

Peace.

[Stormchaser]

I echo Rose. You have nothing to be sorry about.

[kml]

First - you have nothing to apologize about. HE broke the marriage and he isn't doing the work necessary to repair it. You should have eace in your heart that you did everything you could do to save the marriage. This is on him now.

I am done with his criticisms of my clothes, hair, weight (I weigh 115 pounds BTW and 5'1, meanwhile he is at least 20 lbs overweight) my smiles lines aka wrinkles,

Read my recent discussion with bttrfly on the Mid Life crisis forum about this very thing.

[kml]

Peace in your heart

[sophene]

Here's a little different perspective:

Hope it helps

EDIT - sorry external links are not allowed on DB - Cadet

[PsySara]

Thank you my friends, I just feel kind of low right now. WH has resumed snap chatting a single, pretty young nurse at his job. He doesn't know I know so for now I am keeping my cards close to my chest. I am back to the LRT but I am doing it for my own sanity versus attempting to get him back. I made an appointment tomorrow with the first of many lawyer consults. A lesser known fact but WH will not able to utilize any lawyer I consult. So I plan on consulting every "big" one in our city, it's known as poisoning the well. Honestly it's just a strategic move on my behalf so I can make sure I am most likely to get what I want from this divorce. My main goals are majority time with the kids but I will "settle" for 50/50. He needs to pay for child care and education costs and I will cover their day-to-day expenses. Previously when I consulted a lawyer I was told there will be no SS as WH and I make equal pay at this point. I am fine with that, I don't desire to fleece him just ensure my children have the financial stability.

I have purchased a book that addresses what to expect when divorcing a narcissist and how to plan your strategy. I chuckle to see it next to my 8 books on how to save marriage and strengthen marriage.

Basically I am going to have the papers written up and present them to WH with a goal to schedule the splitting of assets. As of now he is behaving as if it's business as usual and I suspect he thinks were just repeating the cycle. Previously we'd have a fight, not talk for days to weeks and then I would approach him for reconciliation. Well, not this time. My goal is no longer to save this marriage but to save myself and my children.

This weekend I plan to take the kids to an Eid carnival and invited WH. Initially he hemmed and hawed but I told him matter-of-factly that I needed to know so I could have a friend come with if he wasn't coming to help with the kids, He tried to pick an argument by saying, "So you just need me for childcare." I shut that down and told him it didn't matter if he came but I needed to plan one way or the other. He appeared taken aback and softly said he would like to come. Okay then. Gawd! Why does everything have to be about him?! Just answer a question yes or no! Why did I fight so hard for such an immature @sshole?

I've also started being more proactive with the kids religious education. I've started having them pray salat next to me and have left a VM at the mosque about children's Quranic studies. I've decided I can no longer wait for WH to be the Muslim father he promised to be when we had children. HE is dishonest and wayward so I definitely can't expect him to teach things like morals and integrity.My anger has now been focused to a cold, pinpoint tight beam.

[leahsue]

Hey Sara,
I love your focus on a cold, pinpoint tight beam.

My heart is so VERY FULL tonight, and I have so many things I want to share and say, but by mind feels like a tilt-a-whirl at a carnival.

I just wanted you to see a response from me, and know my heart is with you.

You are so much stronger than you ever thought. You deserve better than this. We all do.

[Stormchaser]

WH has resumed snap chatting a single, pretty young nurse at his job.

Just out of curiosity, how did you find this out? I thought snap chat deleted texts/images?

[BluWave]

(((Sara)))

You're my queen and a shining star! You are fierce and are going to come out on top with or without this fool. I can sense your strength and determination. So keep moving forward and making choices that are best for you and the kids. If you change your mind again, that is okay too. I bet as he sees your strength and detachment, he will back peddle, soften, and start his game of pursuit all over. You know it's coming. So keep your plan close in your vest and don't compromise your worth or the remorse you require. You know what you need now, and you dont have to give that up for him or the M. .... I am so glad you have your religion and that awesome community of people; perhaps that is the intact family that you and the kids need right now..

Keep posting, we are here for you!
Blu