Evidently I'm the bad guy right now bc I ignored W's calls the day I went dark. W showed/mentioned to D22 the texts etc. to 'prove it.' So she's still the victim and still has a hardened heart.
I'm so pissed off that she's using propaganda against me now w D. This is the same W who gave me rafts of crap repeatedly for 'involving the girls.' Do I just let this slide?
D22 sees it as, 'you've both done mean stuff to each other.
Your D is right. None of us end up here because we were perfect and our spouses were not. We're here because we and our spouses both quit working on the M. Both parties are to blame, and both parties need to own their part in it. You should be completely honest with yourself and with your D that you DID contribute to this sitch. A good convo with your D would be "D, your mom and I have grown apart over the years and I just didn't realize what impact it was having on her. I didn't know how upset she was until it was too late for her. I would like to work on the M but that's not in her heart right now so I have to respect her wishes. But we both love you very much and are committed to being the best parents we can for you. This situation is not because of you, I hope you know that. I'm sorry you have to go through this with us, but we are both here for you."
As far as going dark, I'm going back to your original post here:
Quote:
However, earlier in the week after considering how to start my DBing, I decided I would do a 180 at the meeting and suggest just going out to eat, movie, or something fun instead. But then I realized I was really in LRT territory, so I texted and cancelled the meeting two days ago and went dark. So, here's the guy who was pressing and pressing to talk for months suddenly not wanting to talk after all.
Well, yesterday my phone blew up. W tried to call maybe 20 times. Cell, office, even coaxed D20 to call on her behalf, I later found out. Me: ignore, ignore, ignore. Then a text comes. "If you don't call me immediately, I'll never speak to you again." Me: ignore.
You said it yourself, "here's the guy who was pressing and pressing to talk for months suddenly not wanting to talk after all". THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO DARK!!!! You don't go from full blown pursuit to completely ignoring your W. I mean how do you think she'll interpret that? She'll think you're a jerk, that's how. Unfortunately like so many new DB'ers you're quickly shuffling through every technique you read about and trying it out for a day or two to see if it'll "wake your W up". But there is no magic bullet here, you've got months or even years of hard work ahead. Just settle down and take a deep breath. It is inappropriate to completely "ignore" your W when you have kids and shared bills and such to work through. You should by all means stop pursuing her and give her time and space and work on your GAL'ing, but that is not the same thing as ignoring her. Don't call her/ pursue her/ pressure her. But if she texts then do reply to her. The relationship you should be striving for right now is like a "friendly neighbor".
"Going dark" is a last resort when nothing else has worked, and is more often used where the WAS is in MLC and just saying and doing crazy stuff. It's to protect the LBS from more damage. It does not restore marriages.
