LRT is my 180

[AvgGuy]

Here's what I'll do then:

There's enough money in said account to get thru another week. I'll sit tight for a week. Maybe she'll stop by the house in the interim, in which case she'll get my note about (among other things) funding the account.

If that doesn't happen, and/or the fund is nearly depleted, I'll send a simple text like, 'shared fund is nearly dry. please add $$.'

How does that sound?

[joejoe1]

It sounds like a plan. The text is straight forward but a passive/aggressive. You can say? "The shared account is depleted, I need you to add money to shared account"

[LH19]

She has always been way more stubborn than me. She will win this. I will blink. IDK when, but I will. And she knows it.

This is going to become, 'at what point do I reach out, why, and how?' And 'have I waited long enough that maybe her heart has softened just a little?' vs 'have I waited too long and she's completely tuned into the new life?'

AG,

Going NC is allowing her time and space to figure things out. She is going to figure out if life is better without AG or maybe she was wrong and life sux w/o AG. Either way you have to let her figure it out.

If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.

If you go all clingy and needy on her that will push her away further.

I know your mind is thinking have I waited too long and she's completely tuned into the new life? The thing is she has to want to comeback for the right reasons.

My wife and I got back together after we separated for the wrong reasons (kids,finances,family friends) and I could feel it and it was an awful feeling.

I am getting divorced but I now realize my life is going to be fuching awesome moving forward because I will make it fuching awesome. I will find someone who treats me like a king and I will treat her like my queen.

Right now I think you really need to start working on your self confidence moving forward. Are you exercising and seeing an IC?

[AvgGuy]

Thx for the 'perspective checkup' LH.

Exercising yes.
GALing yes but still learning.
IC not yet.

Most of the past week I've been fine. Yesterday was hard. Detaching still a work in progress, obviously.

[AnotherStander]

Evidently I'm the bad guy right now bc I ignored W's calls the day I went dark. W showed/mentioned to D22 the texts etc. to 'prove it.' So she's still the victim and still has a hardened heart.

I'm so pissed off that she's using propaganda against me now w D. This is the same W who gave me rafts of crap repeatedly for 'involving the girls.' Do I just let this slide?

D22 sees it as, 'you've both done mean stuff to each other.

Your D is right. None of us end up here because we were perfect and our spouses were not. We're here because we and our spouses both quit working on the M. Both parties are to blame, and both parties need to own their part in it. You should be completely honest with yourself and with your D that you DID contribute to this sitch. A good convo with your D would be "D, your mom and I have grown apart over the years and I just didn't realize what impact it was having on her. I didn't know how upset she was until it was too late for her. I would like to work on the M but that's not in her heart right now so I have to respect her wishes. But we both love you very much and are committed to being the best parents we can for you. This situation is not because of you, I hope you know that. I'm sorry you have to go through this with us, but we are both here for you."

As far as going dark, I'm going back to your original post here:

However, earlier in the week after considering how to start my DBing, I decided I would do a 180 at the meeting and suggest just going out to eat, movie, or something fun instead. But then I realized I was really in LRT territory, so I texted and cancelled the meeting two days ago and went dark. So, here's the guy who was pressing and pressing to talk for months suddenly not wanting to talk after all.

Well, yesterday my phone blew up. W tried to call maybe 20 times. Cell, office, even coaxed D20 to call on her behalf, I later found out. Me: ignore, ignore, ignore. Then a text comes. "If you don't call me immediately, I'll never speak to you again." Me: ignore.

You said it yourself, "here's the guy who was pressing and pressing to talk for months suddenly not wanting to talk after all". THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO DARK!!!! You don't go from full blown pursuit to completely ignoring your W. I mean how do you think she'll interpret that? She'll think you're a jerk, that's how. Unfortunately like so many new DB'ers you're quickly shuffling through every technique you read about and trying it out for a day or two to see if it'll "wake your W up". But there is no magic bullet here, you've got months or even years of hard work ahead. Just settle down and take a deep breath. It is inappropriate to completely "ignore" your W when you have kids and shared bills and such to work through. You should by all means stop pursuing her and give her time and space and work on your GAL'ing, but that is not the same thing as ignoring her. Don't call her/ pursue her/ pressure her. But if she texts then do reply to her. The relationship you should be striving for right now is like a "friendly neighbor".

"Going dark" is a last resort when nothing else has worked, and is more often used where the WAS is in MLC and just saying and doing crazy stuff. It's to protect the LBS from more damage. It does not restore marriages.

[AvgGuy]

Points taken, AS, thx.

So should I be looking at some kind of damage control? Or do I continue to wait for her to initiate contact at this point?

(Haven't ruled out MLC but I don't see/hear enough to know for sure, fyi.)

[AnotherStander]

Points taken, AS, thx.

So should I be looking at some kind of damage control? Or do I continue to wait for her to initiate contact at this point?

(Haven't ruled out MLC but I don't see/hear enough to know for sure, fyi.)

When in doubt, do nothing and read DR again

Don't pursue means don't initiate contact yourself. If SHE initiates it's OK to reply. The rule of thumb is sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait an hour, and sometimes don't reply at all (if it's something that doesn't warrant a reply). The idea is to make it look like you are busy and not just sitting there waiting for her to call/ text.

[AvgGuy]

Well, today marks 2 weeks since the most recent events noted in my original post.

Also two weeks of dead silence. Feels like 6 months. I did send an 'all business' text a couple days ago saying the shared expense account needs funds. W did not respond, nor did she make a deposit (yet?). I'm about to take a couple hundred dollars out of that account which will leave very little in there; I guess I'll send one more reminder this coming weekend...?

The folder of her mail/bills w/ my accompanying note still sits where I put it (see p. 5 of this thread for details). I am 99.9% sure she viewed the bills/mail/note but left them in the folder here. Her bills now total nearly $2,600 and she seemingly continues to ignore them. Whatever.

Detaching/GALing going ok, just ok not great. Still working on that.

How/when do I determine whether this step is/isn't working, or is this just 'it' - she might or might not reach out and it is what it is, either way?

[LH19]

I'm about to take a couple hundred dollars out of that account which will leave very little in there; I guess I'll send one more reminder this coming weekend...?

How/when do I determine whether this step is/isn't working, or is this just 'it' - she might or might not reach out and it is what it is, either way?

AvgGuy,

Do not send another text this weekend. Message was delivered and ignored. No need to resend.

That's great NC for two weeks. Most newbies can't go that long and come up with an excuse to reach out. Keep it up and keep your expectations at 0.

[AvgGuy]

I've been preparing for what I'll say if/when W shows up. Found some Sandi posts with some good ideas, and I've been committing some of her suggested statements to memory. I'll probably be doing some validating also, so I'm readying for that as well. It'll be easier to be 4C if I'm prepared. Being a little distant/aloof will be challenging; trying to keep that in my mind also.

I've also been considering what my transparency requirements might be if we do decide to reconnect, and I've been jotting those down.

Hope I get the chance to use some of this stuff...