Still here. Still not detached...

[Chris73]

Grrrrr!!

Boy, yesterday I was REALLY angry. Nothing major happened. I was just full of rage and anger and spite whenever I thought about my W. We had back to school night for D5. Normally these are happy and fun events, but I was a little hung up on the loss of our family unit and how it has and will affect everything in my kids' lives. And I got a little teary when the teacher played a slide show of photos from the first few days of school with the sentimental music. UGH!

After the event was over, W and I had a little talk about our next step. My W and I agreed to a shared custody schedule that would take effect once she's moved out. But now she wants to start up the schedule early so that the "kids have more structure now that they are back to school."

So I started with some validating:

"I know that this nesting arrangement is really tough for you and I know that you're anxious to move forward with your new living arrangements..."

Then stated how I felt:

"...but I'm not comfortable changing the schedule until we have another session with the M&F counselor to discuss how we talk to our kids about this new change."

My W seems to think that the kids are just fine and "don't even notice" when one of us isn't here. I don't agree with that, but it's her opinion and I don't think there's any reason to debate this with her. So instead I requested that we get some expert advice and come up with a plan for how to approach the kids with this new news. W agreed.

Once I was in my car and driving back home I was ready to punch something. I don't know why I was so angry. W didn't do anything to enrage me. I guess it was just the situation. The rage and anger quickly turned to sadness and I cried most of the rest of the way back home.

This morning my W came to our house to relieve me so I could leave for work. I stuck around long enough to say goodbye to the kids once they woke up. After showering and getting dressed I came upstairs to find both kids on the iPads. It was only 6:45 in the morning! I was livid!

But I kept my cool and finished getting ready to leave. Once I was set to walk out the door I approached my W. Again, with validation first:

Me: "I know that things are hectic in the morning and I don't want you to think that I'm trying to start an argument. But didn't we agree at the end of the summer that the kids are not allowed any screen time in the morning until they're ready for school?"

W: "Well, D5 woke up at 6:20 and I can't have her bugging me every minute while I'm trying to get ready. And so if she's using a screen, S8 wants to use one too."

Me: "I understand, and I know it's hard. But we DID agree on that right?"

W: "Yes. I'll make them turn them off."

Me: "Ok, thanks."

Once I left the house I was SO glad that I had mentioned this. It would have been eating at me all day and I would have harbored even more resentment.

On a side note: Divorce Care session 1 was just ok. The organizers had a lot of introductions to take care of and so there wasn't any time to break into groups.

I found it a little odd that I actually WANTED to share (even though it's optional) and was a little disappointed when I wasn't able to. I don't think the rest of my group felt the same way. I don't know for sure but I think most of them are only a few weeks/months post-bomb drop and are still trying to process a lot. Next week should prove to be better.

Today/tonight is GAL. Going to the gym at lunch and then a run after work. Then I have a float session booked for 7pm. Man do I need it. This anger thing is starting to bother me. I'm pi$$ed off at everyone and everything and I get annoyed very easily. I need to chil...

[joejoe1]

Chris,

I'm glad you noticed that you need to work on the anger situation. Do you think your wife can sense the rage in you? Is there anyway you can turn that rage into happiness no matter what your wife do or say. I know it's hard. I'm just want to support. You deserve to be happy and no person should be able to take that away from you.

I looked up the D-Care sessions, you are the second person today on their Sitch that said it was ok. Making me doubt attending one.

[lostrig]

My W seems to think that the kids are just fine and "don't even notice" when one of us isn't here.

My W thinks the same way. She also like to add that once we have moved on with our lives that our S will be so much better off and will finally get to see both of his parent happy. My S is a only child and we have a pretty tight bond. He has confided in me on multiple ococcasions and is pretty emotional. He puts on an act in front of the W. I think he's afraid to show her its bothering him.

[Chris73]

I'm glad you noticed that you need to work on the anger situation. Do you think your wife can sense the rage in you?

For the most part no. I wore my moods on my sleeve for the first 6 months after BD but I'm slowly getting better. The one thing I still have difficulty with is looking at her in the eyes. I do try to make eye contact when we have a conversation tho.

I looked up the D-Care sessions, you are the second person today on their Sitch that said it was ok. Making me doubt attending one.

I wouldn't doubt it just yet. It's a national program and the facilitators are all volunteers so it may be different (better/worse) where you go. There really isn't anything to lose if so long as you can spare 2 hours a week. There's no fee. There's workbook that's only $20 that you're encouraged to use but it's not mandatory. I think I'll have much better things to say about it after the next couple of weeks.

[joejoe1]

Chris,

Looking her in her eyes, will be a huge confidence booster for you and show her you are getting more confident. You can do it. I had trouble with that at first too. But now, I look my wife square in her eyes when I talk to her. I smile and talk softly and kindly. But most importantly I say what I have to say with confidence.

[joejoe1]

Looking her in her eyes will be a huge 180 for you as well.

[Chris73]

Not for nothing, but floating for 90 minutes in a sensory depravation tank does WONDERS for my anger. I am cool as a cucumber right now and ready for the best night of sleep I've had in a couple months. I will probably float at least once a month now...

[Chris73]

First steps of mediation started today with an hour long consult with the lawyer.

Just once I want to look her in the eye and say:

"Fukc you for doing this to us. You selfish b1tch!"

...just once.

[Holding]

Chris, I'm with ya, man.

My steering wheel has heard that phrase so many times.

[Chris73]

I'm amazed my steering wheel hasn't revolted and run me off the road for all the insults I've hurled at it!