Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Thanks Joseph and Dusty!

Joseph, S10 has been dealing with this behavior from STBXW forever, so I guess he's used to it. But he typically throws a mini fit or argues with her. Both my sons have ADHD - they got it from her. They are a handful and she's not well equipped to deal with them.

Dusty, sorry to hear about your W's outbursts. Like you, I also find myself being calmer than I used to be. I'm much more tolerant of things not going my way and accepting of the bad things life throws at me.

Some randomness:

Last night STBXW tried to discuss the division of assets and child custody with me. I told her I wasn't interested in discussing it without L's. She kept asking why not, and I told her if she kept pushing the issue, the conversation would be over - I now realize I should have ended the conversation at this point. She pried about the house a bit, and I said I'd considered keeping it, but wasn't sure how I could afford it. She pushed some more about the kids and told me she didn't think I would stoop to trying to get more than 50% custody. I reiterated that I wasn't talking about it. She asked me what I wanted from her, and I told her I just want to get on with my life. She said "yeah, me too."

I read through EyeTie's old thread last night - it was very inspirational. The guy wasn't able to save his M, but he saved himself and was a lot happier in the end. He didn't want to save his M once he realized how his W really was. He also seemed to do a much better job than me when it comes to letting go of anger. I'm still working on that.

On Monday I attended my first Divorce Care meeting, and oddly enough the subject was dealing with anger. TBH, it was more religious and spiritual than I expected. It's not specific to any denomination, but I guess I was expecting it to be more of a open-form support group. I'm not sure it's right for me, but I'll definitely give it another week.

One thing the Divorce Care group did make me realize is that this emotional turmoil will continue for years. I've been wondering if I'm lying to myself about where I'm at emotionally. Sometimes I get scared that by the time I fully heal, I'll have lost too much of my life to this process. I get scared about losing the opportunity to meet someone new. Then I get upset for even wanting to meet someone new.