JMSTL thread-Part 5-What a beautiful GAL

[Jmstl]

You know, I think this was the first time AS managed to offend me.

I get this sense that you (and others here in their own threads) take everything your W says as meaningless garbage. That's probably how you acted in the M too- you didn't respect her. So now here you are, more convinced than ever that she has nothing valuable to say. LISTEN to what she says. Do 180's on the things you can.

I have never, once ever took anything she said as meaningless garbage. Everything she has/had to say has meaning and value, even when I disagreed with it. I never discounted her opinion, and in fact, as I have come to find out, I overvalued her opinions, to the detriment of my own.

Would I gripe to her about work? Sure, maybe once a week I would complain about something minor. I got dumped on about work stuff almost every day. Nearly every day I would get multiple texts about how she didn't like this person, or her employees weren't performing, etc.

I would always try to validate her frustration and affirm that she was extremely talented at her job and that every office is going to have politics and frustrations.

The reason I asked the question, was this was a question STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK!

Being specific. Drilling down to the exact reason things are the way they are. I asked what my being happy would look like, because SHE said THAT was an Issue. She wants me to be happy. OK, how will YOU know that I am happy?

Will I smile more? Will my tone change? how about my posture.

I am met with, "You can just tell"...That, is a cop out. There must be some sort of external sign (Smiling, hand holding, etc) That indicates to you that a couple is happy, the people are happy.

I know what being happy and healthy looks like to ME. But I want to know how SHE will know.

It had nothing to do with me not taking the lead, and had everything to do with asking for specific answers to one of the problems she laid out.

My attitude has 180'd.

I don't discuss anything negative with her. I am not involved in politics anymore, I don't complain about the price of gas (Things she said I would talk a lot about. I didn't but these were identified, so it must be important to her to have stuck.
Bear in mind, this is also a woman who held on to a comment that I don't even remember from the very first months of our relationship)

Benni. I am not asking her to advise me on anything.

The questions I asked were in the beginning of the S, at the time when she had told me she wanted to rebuild the marriage.

Since I could never get any level of specifics on what I needed to change (I'm not meeting your emotional needs? Can you lay out how I am /not/ doing that so I can be better about it? was met with "I'm not going to list a bunch of things and say you aren't that person") I taking the general vague answers that I got and seeing how they apply to me.

Oh, you think I am a negative person? Let me reflect on what makes me feel negative, and eliminate those things from my life.