Any Advice?

[gw5263]

this is also posted on another forum. Just wanted some different views. see bottom

Ok, here we go. On June 22 I found out my wife was planning on moving out with the kids because she needed some space to think. She even told me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I felt like the bad guy because she said it was because lately I had ignored her emotionally to the point she just disconnected. She said she left signs, but I failed to see them. I bought this bs and felt like the bad guy for two days. I work 12 hour shift, so I have a lot of time off. She went so far as to aske me if I could help her dad watch the kids because work was sending her to training from July27 thru August3. Trying to do whatever I could to ease the situation and show her I cared, I agreed. During the interim, I made several major changes. I told her daily I loved her, kissed her check when she left for work( this was all she would allow) and out notes in her lunch daily, which to my surprise she kept. One night I was sitting up late alone and had the nagging feeling something else was going on. Being ignored for a couple of weeks didn't lead to this, I felt. Surely she would have told me there was a problem before it escalated to this stage.

Going against what I swore I wouldn't do, I got her phone and opened it up. No text history, no call history, nothing amiss in the photos on it. Until I went to her deleted photos. Bang! Pics of the OM blowing kisses and doing teenage selfies in the mirror. In her browser history, I found plane reservations, motel reservations, western union searches, and divorce packets the OM had sent her! When confronted, she admitted that she was indeed going to see himJuly27 thru August 3 to make sure it was "real"
I tried everything, told her how much I loved her, what she meant to me, etc. the day she left, I got some software that allowed me to retrieve deleted texts from her phone. This had gone from friendly innocent how's the family to here's what I want to do to you in two weeks. There was also mention of a sexual meet up inApril as he passed thru town.
Upon her return we had a long talk about the future. I asked if she wanted to be with him, she said I think so. I asked if she was done with me, I think so. If she was moving to him, no he's not ready for that and it will be a long time before he is. I checked on him- he's been married four times and is a serial cheater. His last wife was half his age and he had four partners simultaneously while with her. I verified this with her. She also said he was controlling, and mentally abusive..since her return they now say I love you to each other daily. When asked, she says they had no sex during the trip due to female issues, which I don't buy. I need to end this mess and get my wife back before it's too late. The only real communication they have is text and face time, and have only seen each other twice since February. Since he is in the military, they are both deathly afraid I will report his actions and he will lose his career. He has a top secret clearance and it would ruin him. I asked her several times if she wanted a divorce and she said no. She even said she doesn't know if this will work due to distance. She is afraid to tell our kids about it because I think she knows it won't last. Any ideas on how to proceed? I really love her, which might sound odd given all that's happened, but I can't shut it off. I know deep inside she still feels some love for me or we would not be talking at all and she would have jumped all over the divorce. I feel like I'm being kept on the side lines as a safety net. If this guy wasn't in the picture I know for sure we wouldn't be in the place we are now. Any ideas? BTW, I have a mountain of evidence, texts, photos, call logs etc

I am searching for ways to end the fog and the affair without too much damage. She has, since i originaly posted this , told me she wants to be with OM because he is her " Soulmate" and she has been in love with him since August 3rd. she has refused to end the affair to save our family. I'm having one of those days where i want to save us and get her back.
I dont see this lasting , as it is a LDA and they have only physically seen each other twice in six months.. once for a day and then for a week. Is anything in this salvagable? She did advise that the whole purpose of the trip was to see what daily life with each other would be like and if they would be compatible.