Lost on how to save my marriage! 2

[joejoe1]

1. You are super impatient. I can sympathize, but if you want to give your marriage the best chance of making it, you have to learn to give things time.

I 100% agree, I have been working on this hard. I don't badger my wife anymore. It has been over a week since I have talked to my wife about the M or R. I haven't initiated really any conversations in over a week. I slowly started to realize that those conversations were making her shut down and move further away from me.

I'm very impatient and being in the Army doesn't help that much. But I have learned to slow down and live in the moment and not days and weeks ahead. I really loving the feeling.

"2. You seem very focused on what individual actions "mean." Your spouse is confused. Things won't make sense. And not every action or mood is directly related to you or even to the situation."

It took me a while to understand this. I now don't pay much attention to her mood. Up until this past week I would ask what's was wrong. Before then I would ask why you are acting like that towards me. But now I have just stop asking. I go about my merry way. Last Thursday she told me she wanted to talk to me after the boys went to bed. I help put them to bed then went to Walmart, she didn't approach me about that night, so I didn't ask. The next day she told me, she wanted to talk and she told me, she told me the words she had the before escaped her today, I said, "what were the words yesterday", and she said, "really". I shut up and went about my way.

"I'd like to see your posts focus less on your wife and what she is doing, or thinking, or how she will react to X, or what Y means, and a lot more about how you are meeting with an IC to work through your issues, specific examples of changing the way you respond to your kids and others in your life, and what activities you are doing with your kids to start building a better relationship with them."

So, I have started reading to my middle son. I bought books for me and my S9 to read together then discuss afterward. I still need to do things with them outside the house. I have planned a trip to the zoo this weekend, and S9, I going to get him to help me with putting up a ceiling fan.

I have seen a few ICs. But I currently not seeing one. I have a DB coach. I figured out early on that I was very pessimistic and had to turn that outlook around, I always envied my wife for that, and I now knew it was time for me to take action on that.

I also have now started helping out around the house more, without being told. I did gripe or complain about it, or expect anything in return, I did it without conditions or expectations.

Those are things you can control. Those are the most significant 180s you can do, but changing a trait like this is hard. Let us support you in that."

Yes it is very hard. I have made a word document of all the positive and helpful things, I have been told on the Forum and all the DB info.

I have really changed a lot since DB. My wife told me one day, that she see changes and I'm helping out more, but she did it for seven years and I have did it for a few months so don't expect me the change the way I feel.

[/quote]Oh, and a note about GAL. It's important. Critical. But if you are just assuming you can leave the house without notice and your wife will watch the kids, you're being kind of a jerk.[/quote]

I have been informing my wife that I'm about to leave before I go and do any GAL. I think I can incorporate asking her if she has any plans instead of telling her I have plans at such and such time and I will be back.