Quote: I would give ANYTHING for my wife to jump into bed and start touching me. I would sell my soul for this.
Okay. Consider your soul bought and paid for. As the new owner of your soul, here is what I'd like you to do with it.
Face that masturbating in bed with your wife is extremely hostile and does not foster trust. If you can accept that and own it, we can move on to step two.
You cannot give ANYTHING to have your wife touch you, because ANYTHING is not clearly defined. It's you waiting for the magic answer to appear. It won't.
So if you are willing to give ANYTHING, you must now give something very specific. Give her your vulnerability and your trust. If you cannot do this, you cannot ask for ANYTHING, because now you have SOMETHING. It is up to you what you do with that SOMETHING.
You cannot ask from your wife that which you are not willing to give. And trust me when I tell you that if the two of you do not have trust between you, you will never break free of the emotional gridlock you have found yourselves in.
Now, it may feel at first like she has taken your vulnerability and trust and thrown it down to the ground and stomped all over it... but here is the kicker. You cannot withdraw. As the owner of your soul now, I command it.
Yes, you must go back into the fray, bloody, broken and torn and offer it up again. I say this because you have to give her the opportunity to understand that what you are offering is in good faith, not another trick to get something from her. You must continue to give this, without asking anything in return.
At some point, you will either crack her shell, and she will wake up, or a 'knowing' will enter your soul, and you will move on without guilt.
You are not in an all or nothing scenario, as much as it feels like it. You and your wife have paralyzed one another into immobility. Someone has to let go first. It takes an enormous amount of courage, and if you can find it in yourself to risk ALL of yourself, you have the perfect opportunity to reap great reward.
If you cannot do this, no biggie. You will stay as you are now, looking for the elusive ANYTHING to solve your problem.
This is a simple matter of choice, CeMar. I'm not saying it isn't scarey, but if you need motivation, look at your mentor, Jesus. You think He wasn't scared? You speak of your faith all the time. But faith is not a dormant thing, a certificate to hang on your wall and polish. It is an active state of being. Faith is facing the fears that appear to be in front of you, and moving through them despite your internal resistance. It is the 'walking through hell,' not to stay in torment forever, but to find your way OUT. Hell is not something to end, it is something to move through.
You, my friend, are in hell right now. You can choose to stay in it, or you can choose to move out of it. If you choose to move out of it, it takes courage, faith, hope, and love. All of that is combined into the deepest essence of you, the most vulnerable but most valuable part of you.
To keep it inside of you is to stay in hell. Take it and GIVE it to your wife, and keep giving it to her until she understands that you are asking NOTHING of her. When she understands that, you can help her get out of hell, too.
