That's cool, at least you got something to work with. I think breaking it down is also a good strategy.
I wish my W would have given me concrete reasons that I could try to attack. Unfortunately she didn't do a lot of communicating with me so I have just tried to attack are things that are good for me but would also appear on her radar screen as well.
That's cool, at least you got something to work with. I think breaking it down is also a good strategy.
I wish my W would have given me concrete reasons that I could try to attack. Unfortunately she didn't do a lot of communicating with me so I have just tried to attack are things that are good for me but would also appear on her radar screen as well.
OH no, I did not really get anything concrete.
I want you to be happy and healthy You are always miserable You don't take the lead We just aren't compatible.
I never got a level of specificity. I tried really hard to get specifics. In the end, I had to determine what that meant to ME.
I asked, what would be the first sign that I was happy and healthy.
Her response was, "I don't know know what that means to you"
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I'm in agreement with J9, those are the typical WW lines. But now you are not miserable and you are taking the lead right. So keep doing what you do. She will get mad that you are improving.
Does she seem healthy and happy now?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
My W does not seem happy or healthy. She seems stressed out, scatterbrained and all over the place. She is having problems keeping track of our parenting schedule and where she needs to be for what. I will send her an email with the information and she either texts me wanting to know or will ask me in person when I just sent her the details earlier in the day. SMH......
So, she said she want3d to be healthy and happy and you have been detaching. So is probably confused as hell. If she thought you were her problems and now you have given her space, she might be wondering why shr still feel the way she does.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
One of our friends asked her a couple months ago if she had any regrets about leaving and she no and that she is reminded of that every time she walks into her apartment.
I am sure she is struggling more than what she lets on but she has shown no cracks in her armor at all.
All of our former couple friends though indicate she doesn't look the same and doesn't seem happy. I would agree.
I'm in agreement with J9, those are the typical WW lines. But now you are not miserable and you are taking the lead right. So keep doing what you do. She will get mad that you are improving.
Does she seem healthy and happy now?
She at least puts on the appearance she is happier and healthier. But she says she doesnt enjoy time away from the kids, doesnt sleep well when they are away from her, and is keeping busy with her free time (vs enjoying it)
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I want you to be happy and healthy You are always miserable You don't take the lead We just aren't compatible.
That sounds pretty concrete to me. Were you always pessimistic and griping to your W about work problems, traffic frustrations, etc.? Really think about that because a lot of us get that way after years and years of being married. We -think- it's OK to dump all our day's crap on our wives, it can be cathartic to us but eventually they start seeing it as us "being miserable all the time". We don't realize that all that negativity is affecting them.
Quote:
I asked, what would be the first sign that I was happy and healthy.
Do you see the irony here, that she tells you that you never "take the lead" and your immediate response is to ask her what SHE thinks the first sign of you being happy & healthy would be? Women want their husbands to be leaders. They don't want to have to tell them everything they need to do, because that makes them feel more like a mother than a wife.
Quote:
Her response was, "I don't know know what that means to you"
She is right. Can you answer that? What is being happy to you? Answer it without referencing your W or your M. Use that as your frame of reference for some goal-setting.
I get this sense that you (and others here in their own threads) take everything your W says as meaningless garbage. That's probably how you acted in the M too- you didn't respect her. So now here you are, more convinced than ever that she has nothing valuable to say. LISTEN to what she says. Do 180's on the things you can.
I think thats half the problem at the minute, your sort of expecting your W to advise you about things your need to do and/or what she needs to see in order to make this situation 'right again'.
That can only come from you. There is no act to put on or certain techniques to follow because you wont be able to keep that up in the long term and the 'old you' will come creeping back in.
One of the biggest changes I made, and had the biggest impact - is this...
Over the weekend, she asked me how my week had gone. Normally before sh*t hit the fan i would say "Oh the usual, (insert name) is being a douche at work, the traffic is terrible, etc.., need to take the car to the garage)etc..etc..
On reflection, I see how negative and whiney that is.
So I started to look at the way I communicated with her. So before I started a rant or a moan, I would ask myself "Is what I am going to say negative or positive? If its negative, can my W sort it out for me? - If not.. then say nothing.
For example after she now asks how was my week has gone, I say "Pretty standard really, few people/situations annoyed me but but nothing worth wasting my time on. I am looking forward to having a rest this weekend and watching football - how did your week go"?
That change in communication when adapted to fit other situations is the singular thing that my W has identified as the main catalyst for change.
I am a much more pleasurable person to be around. Much more positive, address negative situations there and then and accept and deal with quickly and move on, and talk about the future with a spring in your step and having genuine appreciation for the things you do have rather than the things you lack.
Its easy after so many years to dump your issues/moans etc. on your partner. Its a BIG mistake
