Book Poll

[eyesopened]

NOPkins says:

" I am now curious as to the reasons some here have not, in a nice way of course, demanded that your spouse read the book. "

IMHO, to demand that the LD spouse read the book may sound like an accusation, that something is wrong with her/him as a person, that she/he is completely responsible for all problems in the marriage. I think it's human nature to balk when you feel forced to do something and to become defensive if you feel like you're being blamed.

In my case, I kept giving my husband relationship books to read convinced that he was to blame for problems in our marriage and that if only he would change, things would be better. First, my presumptions were wrong, I blamed him but was blind to my unkind and unloving behaviors. In TSSM, Michele has a chapter that gives step by step suggestions for approaching your partner and changing the relationship, but I don't believe that demanding that your partner read the book is one of them. I can only speak for myself but if my husband had given me the book (BTW, I'm the one who bought it and read it) and demanded that I read it, I would have been hurt and angry and would have become defensive to the point of listing all the ways I thought he failed as a husband.

I now recognize that most of our problems stemmed from my own benign negligence, trust issues, and some active unkindness; but that's a very recent realization for me. I think that if my husband had come to me, without being accusatory or demanding or angry, and simply expressed how he felt unloved and rejected by me, I would have heard him and made my changes earlier. He's not the type to express his feelings verbally, and I heard him through some of the men on this board as they expressed their frustration and pain.

Going back to getting somebody to read a book you want, the only book I was able to persuade my husband to read was Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs. I persuaded him to read that by explaining that I'd read it, found it to be persuasive, and realized that I hadn't met my husband's needs if they were what I thought they were. I asked him to read the book to identify his 5 top emotional needs and to help me meet them. The truth, however, is that I was convinced he wasn't meeting MY needs, that I was in fact meeting HIS needs, and I really wanted him to read the book so that HE would see that HE wasn't meeting MY top 5 emotional needs (which I had listed in order for him) . He read the book and through a series of emails said that he felt he was trying to meet my needs but that I wasn't meeting any of his needs. My initial reaction was shock, I couldn't believe that he thought he was meeting my needs and that I wasn't meeting his. But, something unexpected happened. I got past my emotions and reactions and actually heard him and saw things from his perspective. I saw that he was right; he was trying to meet my needs (not necessarily in the way I thought he should although I'd never let him know what I really wanted) and I was often ignoring his needs.

I'm sure there's some lesson here, but I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that our marriage has become much better in the last couple of weeks because I'm the one changing and I'm putting him first finally and going out of my way to meet his emotional needs including lots of physical affection (ML, foot rubs, back rubs, etc.). I've also apologized repeatedly to him (I do feel true remorse over how I treated him and took him for granted). I'm a great believer in TSSM because I'm seeing what Michele said about how changes made by one spouse can change the entire marriage. The more I make myself available to him and put him first, the more he's doing things I've been wanting. But, even if he didn't, I'd still do what I'm doing now simply because it's the right and loving thing to do, and for me to go back to my old ways would be to knowingly be unloving and unkind.

I hope some of this makes sense. TSSM is a great book, and Michele's premise that one spouse can create change for the better in a marriage is right in our case. My husband's much happier and more relaxed, and he gives me lots of positive reinforcement for the changes I'm making. I also feel more comfortable telling him what I really like. I think most LD spouses would benefit from reading TSSM (and perhaps Harley's His Needs, Her Needs), but I don't know how the HD spouse can effectively persuade the LD spouse to read the book with an open mind.

Michelle (who just finished doing taxes and thinks the IRS, or whoever makes up the tax regulations, is full of sadists)