I handle all the finances in the family as well which is another way I lead. A new way I have been leading is by taking my D's to church on Sundays and enrolling them in in choir/children's church on Sunday night from 4:30 to 6.
How is that?
That is awesome.
W always said I should be the spiritual leader in the family.
I have been making sure that I go to church alone on my off weeks, and when I have the kids I make sure their butts are in the pews. I'm sure she is told by D, because W decided she doesn't even want to worship at the same time, and switched when she went.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
My W came to church with us this past Sunday because my D received her first bible. I could tell she felt awkward. She was also late to the service and missed my D on stage.
My w started going to church without me last year so now that I am going every Sunday I assume it probably makes her mad.
I think all those ways are good for leading. But how does that impact your wife? If you are trying to show her you are leading, what is her definition of leading. My wife view things like, paying the bills and handling the finances as things I'm suppose to do. My wife definition of leading is taking control over situations that she feels uncomfortable with. Do you understand what you wife taking the lead means to her?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Nope she never told me nor do I know. When I pressed her on giving more details she got angry and didn't want to have the conversation. She had complaints before she moved out but it was not about me leading, being a $hitty husband or a horrible father. It was things like:
- she hated our dogs and wanted them to die - said I needed to loose weight - she wanted hardwood floors - I needed to get off my computer
Those complaints seems like cop outs. She might not like those things, but they seem like symptoms and not the actual problem. It might be hard to get out of her, but I ask my wife questions to get to the bottom of what she dislike the most. I found ways to ask questions that weren't about what I did wrong but what she saw wrong with the marriage.
I used questions that never started with "I".
Like, "You were unhappy in the marriage what could have been done better?"
Or, "There were days you seemed be down, what made you feel that way?" I also learned how to tell her what I did wrong what saying I.
I use to tell her, before I start DBing,
"You were upset with not feeling love and not feeling secure, that must have made this marriage hard."
I did that with a few questions. The first few she said that's not it, you don't get it. But when I finally did, she just listen and responded with, yes it did. I didn't like feeling that way, and will never allow myself to feel that way again. Now I have and know all the things she was expecting from, me that I didn't provide.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I hear ya but unfortunately it never transpired before she moved out. I asked questions to and heck I am not a yeller so it was just a conversation but she couldn't articulate it.
IMO I got depressed after a position change last year. Grew a beard, got lazy on the couch and instead of supporting me she felt as though I checked out on the marriage. I think during that time she was getting more confident about herself, her looks etc. and started to get attention when she was out with friends. I think a combination of those two things really started the ball rolling.
My hair was grey, beard was grey, gained some weight, sat on the couch on my laptop so I think my W over the period of that year lost her feelings for me.
My IC told me that she could not handle both of us being depressed and it got to emotionally overwhelming for her. She would nag at me, etc I just never took her serious and since we had never spoke about D by the time she mentally got there it was too late.
