As suspected, improvement in relationships does seem to be indicated by both spouses reading some or all of the book, or when only the LD spouse reads the book.
It does seem that spouses that have not read most of the book have also not embraced the truth contained therein and made slower or no progress (exceptions noted). It would therefore seem that Michele's arguments are most compelling.
I am now curious as to the reasons some here have not, in a nice way of course, demanded that your spouse read the book. After all, there is trouble in the relationship, otherwise why would you be here. I know that everyone has their own reasons and philosophy, but with something so important, why would you not jump into the fray?
I have maintained from the start, that you have to be willing to get a bit of a bloody nose in order to get what you want out of a relationship. The bloody nose equates to being willing to change when the bad parts of the relationship that YOU are responsible for are brought to your attention. I have watched as Corri has publicly worked through her relationship. I have not been able to be so forthcoming, although our struggles have now born decent fruit. - for those of you still counting frequency as a measure of success, how 'bout 5 to 7 times a week? Sorry, I had to rub that in a bit.
I was hoping that Cemar would answer the questions. Like others have pointed out, there seems to be fear at work, but in greater measure than others have worked through. I do want to encourage you all to be kind to Cemar. The fact that he is here, like all of us, means that he is at least trying to deal with his issues.
As for fear, I think we all need to recognize it for what it is, mostly irrational. Certainly, fools rush in where angels fear to tread, so make sure that the point you push is ultimately good for the both of you, beware of fearlessly pushing the selfish. Like Cemar however, I don't think the desire for affection from ones spouse is selfish, rather normal. I think that withholding affection is cowardly, although understandable in some circumstances (abuse).
It seems to me that being unwilling to work through issues surrounding the withholding of affection stem from mostly either ignorance or fear. Withholding affection as a form of control or manipulation is simply wrong and needs to addressed as any other form of deviant behavior.
Change in a sexually starved relationship comes quickest when the LD spouse decides to change, but change comes when either spouse realizes there is a problem and finally decides to take action (I know I have said that before). Action appears to be the key, as we all know that passive reactions rarely work.
So, I want to expand on Michele's advice to "just do it", to include pressuring your spouse to at least read the book. To tiptoe around an issue that is slowly eroding your relationship is NOT a kindness, rather a walk on gilded splinters.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
