25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

25--

Something to think about. Obviously you have to do what makes you comfortable. When involved in negotiations, I always encourage my clients to have discussions with the other side. You often can learn more by listening in a settlement meeting than you can in all of discovery.

Just for the record, I have negotiated very large settlements for medical malpractice claims. I feel comfortable in negotiations . Obviously this is not typical as I'm personally involved in all disclosures - emotionally struck, (or hidden money) AND it has a huge impact on the rest of my life.

I know how to listen. I also know H won't do well on his own. I know he will not listen for long if it's not what HE wants. And mind you, there were major gaps in his "offer" and the only thing other than the minimum he barked out 10 months ago, was the spousal support and how many years I'd want it. Like it just occurred to him.

(BTW, not sure if his L told him - but I did not say I expected SS the rest of my life. To my knowledge, no one did. Then again, the moment the judge ordered TEMPORARY support, h blurted out he would "not pay that the rest of" his life.

He really does hear what he fears, not what's said. (Why bother using words?)


The risk is him getting crazy mad, & reversing course to stubbornly cling to his original "f- u" approach. Own you have your strategy with your Narkles and I respect that you think it's what works for you. You know your h a lot better than I ever will.

But what I've read and what my T advises is NC. It has protected me immensely, as has FB blocking.
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And he seems to be coming to the table without me having stuck my neck out.



My guess is that you would learn things that you would like to know or would hear things that would help with your closure.

yes I would obviously learn things I want to know, including how much he'll lie. It's intel gathering.

But not sure about how it would help with closure from this. Explain?

And I may not get "closure" from him. I actually do not expect it. In some ways I don't think it often exists in a form we can accept.

My older sister's h left after 22 years and 3 kids (and when I say she was a great wife, I freaking mean it. Still cannot think of a "flaw" in my older sister, other than being a nurse not earning 6 figures...)
HE called her to say he F-- up" about a month before she was to marry her new h.

I guess that is closure but she says 2 things

1) she will always feel some pain about the effect on the kids, and that she also struggles with the injustice of her ex having so much money, but being very detached from their kids. Like a monthly call or text and a weekend a year..."he's close to his kids!"

And 2) she feels much more valued in her present m. Her new (14 years now) h definitely makes her THE priority in his life.

Is that closure? I think it's the closest I have come to see it.




Also, your H will doubtless say things that have meaning to you and that your brother won't quite understand in the same way. A suggestion, set up a three-way call. Arrange in advance with your bro that he will do the talking.


Both of you have access to computers during the call so you can communicate and ask him to ask your H any questions you might have, and then, just sit back and listen.

I would love it if you could get him to walk through the different assets and have him verbally tell you what he thinks should happen to each and what his rationale is. Without you chiming in at all. The longer he talks, the looser his lips will get.

The more you sanitize this through the lawyers (like asking him to send you a lawyer-generated draft out of the gate), the less you learn and the more you are just repeating the same process. There is time for that later.

you mean redundant summaries and more $$ for the L's? When is the later time for it if we are negotiating?

You mean to say to h, "running it by my L's and will get back to you"??



Give him just enough rope to hang himself.


hang himself how so? And what am I doing about it, telling the judge about ex parte communications?

hang himself - The gaps in his proposal MAY be b/c he's just unprepared and jotted down a note

(like the scrap paper he used to mail D20's her "Dear d - good luck being on your own earlier! Btw, there is No money from me coming to you b/c.....b/c I RETIRED!!" -- with patient's notes on the back of the last page. All torn out of a small spiral notebook with words crossed out (that type of preparation??)

He might not be prepped, or he might hide things, and or lie

my guess is all 3 of the above^^^

FYI he originally - way back when-- demanded I give him a number. (Sarcastically?) suggested I take "all the retirement funds! Just give me a number! It's a simple questions!".

Should have said "oh, okay. And some up front cash."

But he was in no mood for that then. I was too foggy.

If we were to get in front of a judge, I think he'd lose.

I also believe he's been confronted with our son's affidavit and the fb posting from a patient thanking him for being such a great doctor (h was wearing the scrubs with the surgery center's name 3 months after he 'retired')

you know this I think. Own, one thing I must do is not want more of the money he is earning and hiding. On principle.

I told the kids we "might be able to settle this soon." no other info.

Then s31 texted me "WIN". And my d's sent thumbs up emojis. They are the wrinkle Own. I cannot cave in to H or my kids will feel let down.

I'm modeling something for them and I cannot be steamrolled. The little things my brother said not to be bogged down in, are very symbolic to me. The life insurance he cancelled, now costs us both more per month - to get survivors benefit, b/c the fool is just that.

Bro said "that's only a few hundred" and he's right. but it's a sticky point (not just to the kids), b/c it was indisputably mean. Kids see that as bullying and me just taking it.

H's L told mine that "h swore up & down he paid for it." And we all know there are the other monies.

The challenge there,^^ will be how to say "oh, hey I found an account that you probably overlooked but we need to divide that too....

as soon as he feels he does not look great, he may bolt. That is a pattern (not to mention how enjoyable it'll be for me).

You gotta wonder what his L thinks -if he's still around.

I did tell my L (and bet she passed it on, which I hoped) that H'sL

"is either suggesting h's dishonesty & contempt of court, or has the least client control of any L I've dealt with." Which is true for civil cases.

Please tell me we are not unicorns who don't actually lie for clients...?





I would just let him talk. And yes, have him give you his proposal. He knows where the proverbial bodies are buried and he is the one that has come forward with an agenda.

For quite some time now, MY L has said 'we need a number" without actually saying "25, YOU have to do all this computing and tell me and I'll tell h's L"

I don't know that she intends that to happen but I DO wonder what they are waiting for.

(To be fair, I have not looked carefully at my emails. Sh1t, maybe their proposals are all in there and I need to STFU.)

I'd like to have a counter (presented by bro or me or my L) number so I can deal with what to expect. I myself have done research and feel I know the range.



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I also think by you sitting it out that you send him a message other than a confident lawyer/wife who will stand up for herself.

Meaning, to look weak for him? Not sure I can do that and I don't mean I'm incapable. I'm a better than average actress. I just don't know why I'd do that.

To address his narc head? yes I hear that but there are 2 reasons I'm not sure of it as a tactic.

H DETESTS paperwork + admin stuff + pressure from an emotional situation + him being on the spot in any situation he's not an expert in + him NOT feeling like a hero (& maybe Schmoopie pressure to get married - or break up)

will either make him lash out - or settle/flee to end it asap. Historically, he has caved into the IRS, authority figures like his parents, to avoid conflict (& hold it against them).

A lashing out of a snarky remark ,sure. But consistently fighting it out like this ---his position with me & the legal quagmire has been new. I'm positive this was worse than h expected.


since his lashing out behavior has Not benefited him (or me), I think he wants it over.

And I can remain calm in the face of a storm.


Just consider it.

I'm not saying to commit to anything without running it by your lawyer, but before anyone puts pen to paper just listen to the guy.

I will and am considering it. This was a surprise (isn't it great he still surprises me??? That's romance!)

I'd never dream of signing off without my L reading it first & getting my CFP;'s thoughts & any other resource.


((( )))